I have realized something and it has been bothering me for a while.
You hear people talk about S.U.V. drivers and how they think they own the road, or semi drivers and the way they expect people to just keep away from them, or clear the way. There are also motorcycle riders who travel in pack making it impossible to pass while they are cruising.
There is a strange new beast emerging though, they are angry, aggressive, fast and ruthless. They are the new breed of Minivan drivers.
When the minivan was first introduced, they were built with little power and little comfort, so they were utilitarian at best. Now, they are mobile homes with full climate control, refrigeration with video games theatre movies and seating rivalling the La-Z-boy. This is not always a good thing, because hockey dad's, soccer mom's and the like are piling into these machines with their 4.0 litre v-6 moving comfort icons and getting to the game (usually in record time) and paying little regard to the other people outside of their utopia-like retreat.
Now, you would think that being surrounded with quiet children watching movies or playing games or sleeping in their equine cocoons would soothe the NASCAR driver within, but it isn't. If you ever pull up to a stop light and a Dodge Caravan pulls up beside you 9 times out of 10, you will be breathing exhaust and eating dust, because they be gone! And occasionally to further prove the manoeuvrability of their van, they'll pull in front of you with evasive (invasive) turning and manoeuvring.
I'm not saying that I drive like a normal human either. I have an SUV that has a good little engine, and can rival most new model cars, but when I'm "sidled" by a Newer minivan, I back off, because that sucker is there to win, and if you try to overtake, you'll get a crazy look before ZOOOM, they're gone; kids, movies, cold sodas and all.
It's not pride that propels the operator, no, and don't try to tell me that it's just because they're in a hurry. These people are motivated by something much greater: Anger. They're pissed off, I can't guess about what, but I have a few ideas about what might send me over the edge if I were them.
1. Kids yelling. When did you ever watch TV next to your brother or sister and not try to get them bawling? Same rules apply when traveling, except dad's too busy to set you straight and mom can't leave her seat, or vice versa. It's the perfect spot to unleash a merciless onslaught of sibling bashing, and the best part is, they are restrained! So, they turn the channel, pause the movie, bait each other with chants about how they suck at video games with the result of screaming crying and idle threats from Mom and Dad of “I’ll stop this van right now!"
2. Driving a minivan. They look back to a time not long ago when they drove a cool car, or truck, and rue the day that they folded and became "van people". So they spend their time in the vehicle proving that their machine is just as ballsy as their 2 door GTP was, and had as much pulling ability as their Dakota (especially with a 20 foot camper in tow). So they use the power of the new breed of minivans to vent their fury.
3. Knowing the next vehicle is either going to be a Lincoln or a hearse. That's it buddy, you are either going to drive the van until you die, or you'll trade it just after the kids are moved away (20 years from now) and you only have enough marbles rolling around to navigate a BIG Car around, because as a rule, the bigger the car, the older the driver, people stay clear. Or maybe you are lucky and will drive an economical Toyota car that will get you from A to B cheap and efficient. The luckier among us will have a toy, or a mid life crisis car that we'll only use for driving on Sundays and cruise to the restaurant with on summer nights. But you'll still be parking it at home, beside that damned van.
Now there are few select people who have resisted the change, they have taken a stand and said: "No way will I ever be caught dead driving one of those." These people are the first to fall. Usually mid way through their 1st year with their first child, they cave, claiming that; they need more room or; it's just way more comfortable to travel in. I think the only chance that you will never become "Van People". Is to get it out of your system, don't deny change and don't make excuses, buy one. This way you aren't pressured into becoming Van People and that is 1/3 of the rage gone. If not? Cling to your coupes, 1/2 tons and 69 Chevelle SS's for as long as you can, but keep in mind you will be one of them soon.
This story is a tribute to the men and women, who transport the masses, take junior to practice in 0:06:53 flat from door to door. Who never need to look over their shoulders to see if someone is creeping up in your desired lane. Who put up with screaming kids and blaring Spongebob. Who tolerate spilled sodas and juice boxes crammed between the seats. And finally who can locate the window open button with so much ease that flipping the rest of us the bird is nothing more than habit.
Go ahead and be an "Angry Minivan Driver" the rest of us now understand.
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