300

This is my 300th post, so it's sort of a landmark.

I would like to dedicate it to my Family.

Dad,
You raised a fine young man. He is confident, successful, and smart and has learned so much from you. Yup, Den is the man. The rest of us are horse's arses... c'mon guys admit it. From the time we spent in the woods, to the visits to the local CDO's I got my love for the outdoors and technology from you. Do you think we could have spent some extra time on grooming though? I'm kind of a train wreck pop.

Mom,
We had tough times through my childhood. You might even say my red headedness got me into more trouble than my actions. I was never really that mad, but I will never forget that you used to dress me in sweater vests at age 4 to age 10. I looked like a miniature pasty Cosby kid. I mean really, I never stood a chance with the other kids! Glad I got that off my chest.

Les,
We've had our differences to be sure. And I'm sorry that we weren't closer when I was growing up. But did you find it absolutely necessary to wheel around the corner at a speed that ejected my fat ass from the rear seat of the car into the opposing ditch? I'll admit however, when I came to, the look on your face was priceless. We have since grown up, and you have become a very important role model for me. I wear my seatbelt pretty much without fail. Or I am at least promptly reminded by a loved one that knows I'm prone to injury.

Den,
I looked up to you the most through my teen years. I even tried to follow in your footsteps, though your footsteps were more of a half foot step because of your shortened Achilles tendon. Thanks to you, my calf muscles are huge. I'll never forget it, man. From chuffle shuffle to pink belly, I learned that there is a limit to what I'll take in the way of ribbing. I also apologize for any revenge I exacted... unbeknownst to you.

Jeff,
You were less of a little brother and more of a best friend and still are. And I swear dude, I'll get that 50 bucks to you like next week... promise. Living together chowing down on beer and chicken nuggets and KD oh and… milkshakes... It was the summer of George baby! And looking back I know you didn't mind sharing my bed even though you made me wear underwear while you wore pants and long sleeve shirts. Man, I don't know how you did that, it was like 100 degrees in there!

Kimmy and Rach,
My sisters from other mothers, you were both there when times were toughest. You took me in, gave me a place to stay, fed me and lent an ear wherever you could. In return I slept, ate, and babbled on. Really, no need to thank me, it's what any freeloading brother in law would have done. Wow, I really DID live with my whole family at one point or another... Hahaha I rule. (Note to Junior, if you get hitched, make sure she has a pool, or at the very least a hot tub or Jacuzzi... in the interest of keeping the streak alive!)

Caleb and Sophie,
I promise that the stories you will hear about Mon Oncle Jeremy through your lives are grossly over exaggerated. That donkey got what he had coming.

Au-Secours!

A very dear and very close person in my life is having a bit of a problem but doesn’t know it. His e-mail signature is lame, lame, lame.

For your mocking pleasure:

"Beauty without grace is the hook without the bait."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

So I have decided to use my resourcefulness to aid in his search for something NOT so lame.

“Won't you be my neighbor?”
-Mr. Rogers

“A grain of sand on it’s own is insignificant, Many grains of sand makes a beach>”
-The HappyGapper

“Come spit off a bridge with me.”
-Fallout Boy

“If I could be a bird I would be a flying purple people eater, because I could swoop down and eat people because I hate that song.”
-Jack Handy

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
-Jack Handy

Those dogs call to me day and night, thought Arf.
-Unknown

Nothing beats a good steak, unless you mean that literally, because you could physically beat it with literally anything, except another steak.
-HappyGapper

I’m turning it over here, put your favorites in, winner will at the very least go on my banner at the top with My pa’s Quote: “Shit Happens”. Maybe they will even appear as "my friends'" new signature.

Mouth

As a successful writer, Terrence had the opportunity to use many words that are not common among the population... for instance he could call somebody a minging minger and not get punched in the face... it was these types of games that pleased him most... on occasion he would approach an obese person and exclaim that their “penumbra was most welcome on this searing summer day", which would garner him gratitude and a smile… but, to those who knew him; Terrence was a contemptibly foolish person… or jerk.

The machine

Why I hate franchises, but still go.

Wal-Mart is at the peak of the evil empire of chain retail stores. The bloodsucking community pillaging kingdom of roll back prices and one-stop shopping are popping up everywhere, and not only that, in some cases they do it twice. They level an area, build a store, then in a few years decide to level another spot and build the “Super” version of the same store.

Here’s what bothers me. You get to a place and you ask an employee where something is, like let’s say a travel bag for a small pet. To which they reply… ummm if it’s anywhere it will be in pet supplies, otherwise we don’t have any… duh. Sometimes, they will scour the aisle for 33 seconds and then turn to you shoulders shrugged and palms facing upwards. “Sorry I guess we don’t have one”. Then the conference calls and a gathering ensue. The manager of the department is present and in a very certain and believable tone says: “Sorry, we don’t carry that type of carrier, only the rigid plastic travel carriers like these ones here”.

Disappointed but not whipped by any means I watch the group disperse. But one thing about me… I think I’m smarter than pretty much every one on the planet, yup, a real Einstein. So I start MY search. Expanding into other aisles and looking on the shelves below and above eye level. Then, there in a display box are about 20 Samsonite luggage style pet carriers for dogs of each size from 12-15 ponds, 15 to 25 and so on. And I smile because my description to the “specialists” was exactly what was written on the labels.

So in my blissful state I make sure to walk past at least 3 of the 5 people that were “helping” and smile whilst thinking “morons”.

“Oh where did you find that?”

“One aisle over near the doggy sweaters.”

“Hmm, funny because I’ve never seen those before!”

“likely because they were one aisle over near the doggy sweaters.”

“Hmm, well glad you found it!”

As much as I complain, though, I will go back to these places and stand in gargantuan lines for a tube of toothpaste, sock tape and a clock, because going to a pharmacy, sports and jewellery store has become far too involved for my taste, or ambition level. Hypocritical Putz.

My team

"Red Mile Mayhem"

Also known as the

"Cowtown Crumb-bums)

The Happy Gapper's Newly aquired Fisticuff brawlers (Red Mile Meyhem)

Left to right: (the guy with the fro in the very back wandered into the shot. and was severely beaten soon after)

Ray Churles (specialties include kung fu talky talk, followed by the tuck and run), brothers Face and Fun Boy Flannigan (speacialize individually in throwing air punches and doing "crazy legs" to instill fear into opponents (like Muhamad Ali but on speed) current record is 0 wins, 0 losses and 0 knockouts but 20 forefeits (would you fight em?)), Blake "looked the same since I was 8" Sooter (nobody knows what this crazy arsehole will do), Knuckles McGee (specialty is bare knuckle boxing, he is the most feared person at the old age center where he works), Nashville Noodle (never a punch thrown, because you can't help but love this guy).

Front second row: Mugsy Malone (more likely to steal your girl than fight you), Krazy eyes Kel (he'll drink you under the table and you'll wake up with him spooning you, he'll likely pee on himself too), Angus Rutherford (this guy is a pure fighter, no rules, no holds barred, he'll kick a pregnant woman in the stomach (taking trade offers)),

Front all alone due to flatulance issues: Mugsy MacGregor (pure talent, acquired from the Indiana Pacers for Ron Artest (that worked out really well for us)).

Happy Gapper goes Buffett

This weekend there was a Jimmy Buffett tribute band playing at the racetrack. Eeyore and Polo are the biggest Buffett fans there are, so we were going.

Well after spending the afternoon with the gang and tiring the children out (and maybe putting down a beer or two) we were off to the show. It was about ½ way through the concert when we discovered a deal where you get a bucket of Corona’s for what seemed very reasonable prices. Well after the group collected about 8 buckets (which were proudly displayed on the heads of the group), we decided to hit a local bar… buckets in hand (or on head), we called them Jimmy Buckets… clever eh?

The rest of the night was filled with Jimmy Bucket giveaways and a solid sleep. The next day was Steve-O’s kids’ first communion, so I went to church. Sins forgiven.

I also realized this weekend that even a putz like me sometimes gets a lucky break and a second chance. Yup, I’m one lucky Putz.

Booty is in the eye of the.... nevermind

She strutted into the room callipygian, which was not the first thing noted by the bystanders… it was her beauty, rather, that commanded the attention of all attending the Rump shaker’s ball… until she dropped an ear ring.

Nealon's Gone

Nealon is gone... and I can only suspect the Shotgun draw is going with him.

I was a staunch supporter of Nealon while he was with Saskatchewan, not because I thought he was the best Quarterback in the CFL or anythinbg, but I support my team. With all of the action this month with the Roughriders picking up Joseph, Armstead and uloading Holmes and Greene, it's tough to not feel excited about the season.

My fellow Ridervillians would tell a tale of near panic on the message boards as we awaited any kind of news from November to March end. It was looking like we were going to attempt a winning season with changing very little. Luckily the recent moves have prevented my hair from falling out and introduced some much needed optimism.

Did I mention I'm going to Grey Cup this year?

My darkest hour

My greatest disappointment in life was my last year at summer Bible camp.

I was one of the older boys there, and I was looked up to by the younger campers. I was a helper to the counselors and well known. In the evenings the children gathered around me to hear my latest spin on “koombayah”. Or the immortalized “germs my invisible dog” which was re-worded to reflect the private parts of Jake (Boner’s friend… at least they were before “Germs, Germs, Jakes invisible” …. Anyway). Keep in mind that we were just kids.

The day of my disenchantment I was sad, knowing this was my last day at camp, Mom and dad were on their way to pick us up after the usual awards ceremony. I was pretty sure I had them all locked up, I was an expert marksman, canoe specialist, a singing angel, crafts whiz and with my sheer stubbornness as my drive, I was also a favorite to win the relay races.

The awards ceremony came along and the show went on, we did a parody of our counselors and of course Father Banga (not joking). Then the awards were handed out. Arhery… Jim…. Marksmanship… Jim… Canoeing… Jim… Swimming… Jim… Singing… Jim… I cleaned up.

Then came the final award of the night. The stage was set, I was anxious, but confident… silence…

“And the Cutie Pie Award goes to…

Suspense…

Junior…”

WHAT? That punk rode my back to the top, all that work, all that determination… all that ass kissing… He wasn’t even that cute, sure he was like 7 with long eyelashes and a chubby hamster like face and big brown eyes, but c’mon man!

This scarred me deeply, and I only tell you as my friends hoping that I might unburden myself of this recollection that until now was buried deep inside.

Damn you Junior…. Damn you.

Gapper family jawin'

I stole this from another blog I contribute to because of the second part. In short, we all entered a hockey pool, and though I'm unsure where I ended up, these guys were in a dogfight the whole way through. The back and forth has been much more entertaining than the pool... for me anyway.

Pokey posted this:

At first, when I looked at the pool results, I thought I must be drunk.Then I read through my previous comments and realized that the dispatch of the Evil 'Streak' and the vanquishing of his equally malevolent spawn was foretold in a post. I'll call it the Prophecies of 3/28:

"First, I'll reel in 'Streak'. It'll be quiet, stealthy. He won't even know it's happened until it's too late. With five games left in the season, I'll be eight points behind 'Boner'. The smell of panic will hang in the air like a shitbag on fire. He'll sweat, he'll cry, he'll make farting noises, but not on purpose. He'll spend his last move dumping a four-point man with a cold in favour of a bag of pucks. Then, he too will be mine."

Ta dah!
Pokey

Well Pokey managed a second place finish while Junior schooled us all, but did sweat a little at the end. Boner got schooled, Streak surprised. I.... don't know what happened.

MRI day

I had both knees x-rayed and MRI’d today I get to go and “discuss” the results with my Doctor. Here’s a few glimpses on what she might tell me.

“Both knees are screwed, here’s a brochure on wheelchairs.”

“Both knees are dangerously close to becoming a chew toy for your pet, here’s a brochure.”

“Your knees are fine, the pain you are feeling is normal for a man your age, you may want to also start thinking about Viagra. Here’s a brochure.”

“Here’s a brochure to read while you turn and cough.”

“The cartilage in your knees has left you and is never coming back, accept it. Here’s a brochure on Accepting Abandonment.”

“Your knees are blown because you’re too fat, we’ve scheduled a physical, bring some running shoes. Here’s a flyer from Sport check.”

“Your left testicle has to be removed or you’ll die…. Oops wrong file! Wanna see?”

“You car is double parked and is being towed, but if I were you I wouldn’t run after them, those suckers could give out any minute.”

“Your knees are… whoa, what the hell happened to your hand?”

Either way I’m coming back with some reading material and maybe one less nut. My doctor is Newfie.

Marcy's fall

And there suspended dag-like from the bungee platform, Marcy wondered if maybe a change of underwear prior to her jump was necesarry, given her current state.

Homestead Part Three

As was the norm when I was younger, the end of October, more often than not, came with snow and cold. Halloween was normally a trudge through the snow with a skidoo suit and a skidoo mask over your face and a Halloween mask over that. Only the bravest children would appear in Princess or Incredible Hulk costumes.

The Halloweens that came with “normal” fall weather were ideal for the preparation of pranks. The garden product had turned to mush and anything that was not harvested was fair game. The cucumbers, tomatoes and undersized pumpkins made the best ammunition. These things were collected immediately after school, before Mom and Dad returned home from work. The box was then transported to town via grocery bag and bicycle, then hidden on the side of the rink where no one would venture until the weather turned for the creation of the ice surface.

In the evening we were dropped in town and given a time limit, I was free to roam with my friends who lived directly within the Hamlet. We made a hurried dash through town stopping at each of the houses that were known for the best treats. We wasted no time on Mrs. Pettit’s homemade cellophane wrapped cookies and the like. We opted for anything Hershey, Cadbury, Old Dutch and on special occasions even Pepsi. We loaded out bags and began to scheme.

Since we were the younger group of ghouls making our way through town, there was always a sense of uncertainty. The big kids could be seen propped up on each others’ shoulders soaping the windows of the school, or toilet papering a teacher’s home. We were small timers.

We gathered the ammunition and made our way to the outside of the school yard. Our plan was to pelt these at the old school turned museum that was located on the main drag. Old man Gervais was always a thorn in our sides and the crotchety old museum caretaker garnered no respect from the younger population of the town. We decided our assault would be best exacted from within the walls of the relic. We tried the usual infiltration points that had been used on several previous occasions. We were in.

The vegetables were placed strategically throughout the structure which was at least 4 large levels above ground. We made our way to the rooftop and with rotten tomatoes and cucumbers in hand the assault on anyone walking on the street near the nest was bombed.

We made one mistake. One of the victims of our Anola Gay drop assault was a Magotiaux who, surrounded by a group of the most feared teenagers around, spotted us and uttered less of a threat and more of a prophecy. They knew the entry points and knew how to tactically surround us on every floor that we might get to before they got to the rooftop. We hid. They found us.

I returned home that night with my Ninja costume stained by the putrid juice of many tomatoes, and the humiliation that is only familiar to the little dog that takes on the big dog and loses.

Jake's times past

Jake's past was shady at best... maybe it was less shady than it was edged with a dull crayon, then smeared under a slightly moist finger, probably due to humidity or digit perspiration caused by a long bout of holding a smooth surfaced crayon... regardless, his past was pretty shady, or dappled at the very least.

All kinds of funny

This is a little late, but as funny now as it would have been SAturday night.

Any last words?

As the day drew to a close, James peeled the last row of peas from their pod and slung them into his mouth, the sweet taste was enough to make him consider returning to the garden and retrieve more, but as the white light came back into focus it was apparent that James would not be eating any peas tonight. And as his teeth clinched down on the bite plate, he wished that he had removed himself from this scary place to somewhere electricity didn’t exist. I mean vegetables? C’mon.

The HappyGapper talks to telemarketers

Ring...

J. Hello?

TM. Good day sir, are Mr. or Mrs. Perreaux home?

pause....

Jim turns away from the phone and says: "Get a shot of the spatter pattern on the wall, with reference to the body"...

J. Who am I speaking to?

TM. Hello sir, I am calling you on behalf of MBNA Canada and I would like to speak to you about...

Telemarketer is cutoff by Jim who is obviously annoyed and once again turned away from the phone: "People could we please try not to step in the evidence!"...

TM. Umm sir sorry to bother you I can call back another time.

J. Excuse me son, what's your name?

TM. Umm, Ramir, sir.

J. Ramir I'm going to have to ask you a few questions... While we trace the call, it's standard procedure after a murder.

TM. Murder? Umm I don't know anything abou....

J. Son, what's your relationship to the deceased?

TM. I have no relationship to them sir.

J. Wait a second, I never told you there were two bodies.

TM. Sir, I don't...

J. Ok, Ramir, here's what's going to happen, we have located you and a couple of Officers are just going to come over there and ask you a few questions, can you stay on the line with me for a bit?

TM. But sir I have to go.

J. Why are you so nervous, son?

Telemarketer is obviously upset and his voice is trembling.

TM. I just want to get back to work.

J. So do I son, So do I, but you see my problem here is I have two bodies, and you obviously have some connection to the couple since you know their names, that there are two of them here at my feet and you called them at home at 8 PM, now I want what you want, but we need to get a few questions answered.

TM. Ok

J. Ramir, where were you between the hours of 0500 and 0630 this morning?

Ramir is obviously flustered and doesn't want to be involved becasue he rudely hangs up. Can you believe the lack of phone etiquette by some people? Sheeesh!

Circling the carcass

Looks like my Riders are making some pretty significant moves, losing Corey Holmes and Scott Gordon along with a College pick for the first pick in today's draft. This means we get 1st and 3rd pick... pretty sweet deal considering we were ready to stick with two less than proven QB's. Not that Joseph is terrific, but I think he has potential, and our Offensive coach was pilfered from Ottawa this season anyway.

Armstead will add some more options to our Receiving Corps, which is excellent after losing Thurmon to the Stampeders. Now the Question, can Kenton Keith step into the role of running back, and try to fill in the shoes of the best of the best in RB? If not Joseph will handle it, the man rushed for 1006 yards while still tossing up 4000 yards... looks like this was almost planned.

Now as for all you Boo Bombers fans who are undoubtedly going to chirp to the tune of "you still won't win because of (fill in lame ass excuse here)", I would say we're a whole world closer than Winnipeg in their 5th consecutive "rebuilding" season. Bahahaha! See you on the turf!

Jim is a happy happy boy today, good stuff happening all around me!

Cruisin for a Bruisin

Kids these days...

I hear Tom Cruise wants his pregnant wife to deliver their child with no screaming. You may remember a previous post where I elaborated on the nature of Mr. Cruise's religion. This is all tied together. Aparently a child would be scarred for life if born into a world of screams of anguish. I for one say: "Good for you Tom".

I think he got this one right, I mean maybe I'm no expert, but what's the big deal? A little pain can seem a lot more tolerable if taken with a smile. Sure, I understand that the sheer mechanics are frightening, what with the ratio of what I call "Burger to Bun". In this case the burger is far more substantial than the bun... It's like a Quarter pounder sitting between two Mini Ritz.

But I mean couldn't Katie (Tom's wife) stifle it for a few hours, then maybe later on, when the child and Tom are far from earshot she could have a good scream. That would be best for the child.

Some of you may be surprised by my stand on this issue, but really, I think birth can be traumatic enough without hering your mommy screaming: "Tom I swear to Zenu if you ever touch me I'll bitch slap the thetans right out of you!" Now that's graphic.

Now for Tom's part I think there is a simple solution so he can understand and show Katie that he can do it himself.

1. He can pass a large marble through his Penis. I mean it shouldn't be too bad, it's only about 5 times the diameter of the passage at it's most dialated state. And besides, once the stitches come out, there's barely any scar. Just no screaming, Tom.

So there you have it, a simple quiet way to birth a child so that they never be traumatized. I'm sure growing up in a house where Mommy and Daddy talk about disembodied souls of the billions of space aliens brought to Earth and blown up by nuclear bombs by evil galactic overlord Xenu that are waiting to take over their free will, is going to make for a very happy and trauma free upbringing, Thetan free of course!

Homestead Part Two

The driveway came from the access road and ended deep in the yard. The Gravel was met by a small patch of grass that led to the extra wide steel tubing and large rectangular sectioned wire. once through this you were standing in the pasture that held our livestock. Three cows, and a horse. We named our cows Blinky, Peter and Paul... at least that's how I remember it. As for the horse "Gypsy", well, it was less of a horse and more of a hate filled equine version of Satan. I never had the pleasure of trying to ride this animal, but my brother had many a brush with it... Littereally, Gypsy did not like to be transportation, so once someone was on board, if he couldn't be shaken off, the barn would be used as a scraper to remove the nuisance (Pokey).

To the back section a man made water "dugout" provided water to out massive herd. I would spend quite a bit of time here Hunting for the evasice gopher. This was a common passtime for kids my age, and never involved more than a snare or pellet gun.

I was never a cold blooded killer, not even for rodents. My brothers were far more seasoned than me and they were allowed to trap gophers. I tagged along once, and once only, this day we were on the side of the hill in the pasture that was made by the soil that was removed for the creation of our dugout. This was a perfect place for a gopher to make it's home with the soft ground and elevation, this kept them free of flooded basements and the like I guess. The traps were set at the mouth of their holes. Later we returned to collect the carnage.

I'm not sure what I was expecting to see when I arrived to the first trap, but there trapped by it's legs was victim #1. He was still alive, and I was horrified. My brothers were preparing to put it out if it's misery. I lost it, I begged for his life to be spared, I remember feeling so ashamed for purposely doing this to (what looked like) a harmless adorable furry animal (they are acually the equivalent of rats, only not in sewers, and not as ugly). I bawled and bawled, and though my brothers assured me it was best for both the animal and the farmers whose crops he would ravage, I didn't agree.

I sobbed all the way back to the house, knowing no doubt that the fate of the gopher was decided. That would be the last time I tagged along on a hunt for gophers. However, playing "Rambo" or loyally enlisting into the Corporal Boner and Sargeant Pokey reserves to decimate entire imaginary armies, was never a problem.

The Donkey's gone!

Eeyore and the family are in their new place. I like the new place, but the way I felt Sunday, there are way too many stairs. All in all the move was good, except for the driving rain and late key aquisition. But you can hardly blame Eryore for that... but I will anyway!

The beer was, as always, cold and effective.

GONG GONG GONG, get off the stage!

The Glieberman's managed to keep this pathetic display afloat for 4 years, and never managed a playoff game. A loss to the tune of 4 Million dollars, fans don't want to be blamed, and I don't blame the all, just the ones from Ottawa, the ones who only go to games if the team is winning.

So I guess I know who I won't be watching at Grey Cup in November, did I mention I will be going to my first ever Grey Cup this November? Right, only every second damn day!

Best of the best

I thought in case there are some among you with no time to go through my entire archive to catch the good stuff, that I should make a quick list of my favorite posts so far. And if you haven't read them in a while, you might enjoy it aswell. Or you can jsut get back to work and stop wasting the company's time! Jokes.

When Hawks attack

Valentine's day letter

Fun and games

Quebec Spa (hanz)

Quebec Spa Pt. 2

Quebec Spa Pt. 3

Party Foul

Funnies from Geo and Wheels

Mom's least favorite (don't re-read Ma!)

Letter to my Liver

29th birthday fun!

Okay, so those are my favorites up to August. I'm tired of looking through the archives!

Polygamy, thou hath no home here

Sure, you could get away with it, until you marry off the 16 year old daughter of a farmer.

Good weekend

Back at my desk after a fabulous weekend. It's hard staying at work today, not because it's exceptionally taxing, but my weekend was so good, that today is like coming down.

Eeyore and S.O.L. are well on their way to being completely ready to move to their home in the North end of town, beautiful spot! So many boxes!

Outside my window the sun is shining, and I have a real desire to get out there and get the clubs ready for the innagural round. I'm not going to set my sights so high this year, (silly me trying to break 90) instead I plan on focusing on my golf attire, that's right, if I can't play worth a damn (and I can't) I might as well look good! Or at the very least blend in so as not to draw attention to my awful golf skills.