This Is Silly!

13 year old kid, looks like he has a pretty good handle on the hot dog portion of the game!

I want a Hippopotamus for Christmas

Uh, I don’t mean to alarm you all, but Christmas is 7 days away. Somehow the whole thing has snuck up on me. So I haven’t bought any of you anything. I’m saving that for the 24th (Pa taught me well).

Now for the most important blog of the year. The HappyGapper Wish list.

For Christmas I want:

-A sliding 12 inch mitre saw with laser guide and stand.
-18 rolls of various household and industrial adhesive tape.
-A Bullmastif pup name Oggie.
-A pair of black Casual shoes to replace EVERY SINGLE PAIR OF SHOES THAT I EITHER THREW OUT OR LOST DURING MY RECENT RELOCATION!
-A pardon from the Canadian Imperial Bank of Commerce for any outstanding loan or Credit Item in my name.
-A 45 gallon drum to be used as a burning barrel for my place, so I can warm myself near its glow like a New York vagrant.
-A map to the money tree that everyone seems to have access to, except me.
-ONE FRIGGIN HMO VICTORY!
-A Lottery ticket that will be but one number off in each of my 6 picks (admit it, that would be pretty cool).
-A trip to Scotland for research purposes for my next Luau appearance.
-A recipe for mom’s patented butter tarts that won’t take all day or make a mess.
-A car that runs on swear words and hand gestures.

There it is. Shop wisely people. I must warn you that most of these items are somewhat pricey, so take a trek down to the money tree before you hit the mall.

TA

Hi-dilly ho neighborino

So in the past few weeks I moved not only into out new home, but into a new office building. Talk about new beginnings!

I’m not even going to try and promise daily blog updates or anything, but I am going to have much more time to do these sorts of things now that the pace has slowed somewhat, except for hauling, gathering and splitting firewood for my two wood burning stoves…

The Humor Me Online deadline is fast approaching and I need to top up my points in an effort to score some major swag. I have had a significant boost in points so now I am writing with fury to win as many things as I can, and if you’ve seen the prizes and their cost, I may end up with a cork or something.

Christmas is coming soon, look in for “Jim’s wish list” along with a few fresh ideas for funny.
Ta

Looking ahead

In two weeks I will cast off the sheets of my floor-based bed, I will rise to a comfy 2 and a half feet above floor level, I will sleep without a downhill slope that leads to my side of the bed, I will sleep within 4 walls and a door . I will shed one duvet that serves as our only source of heat while the downstairs people try to freeze us out.

I will make my bathroom time my business and mine alone, not all those who traverse the bedroom/hallway near the kitchen.

I will paint the walls to a color of my choosing (who am I kidding, that was all Sue), and watch my Big Screen at a volume level that will only bother the garage mice and people in the immediate vicinity of the speakers. I will set the thermostat to 80, then to 70 then to 72 and so on because I will have a thermostat again. Then just for fun, I will light a fire in the den and one in the living room and sweat.

I will hang Christmas lights and deck the halls, there will be a flag pole carrying the Saskatchewan, Ontario flags. I will do an oil change on the car in my shop.

Needless to say I am more than looking a little forward to my new abode.

I spent the wee hours of the morning mouse hunting and trying to isolate the food that he has been enjoying for far, far too long (judging by all the poop in the cupboard). Tonight Mickey, you will feast on peanut butter, and you and your brethren shall be eliminated. Go figure, my vicious guard dog cowered in the living room and stayed perfectly silent while the mice stirred. He keeps this up I’m going to trade him in on a poodle with an attitude, at least Sue would sleep better.

BOOOOOOOOOONEHEAD

I would like to formally withdraw my support of Roy Shivers.

Day at the Ballpark

I have some very vivid memories of my childhood, but some of the summer memories that I’m sure will stay with me forever are the numerous weekends spent at “Sports Days”. These were weekend long events in which the Men’s baseball teams from in and around the host town entered into a 2 day fastball tournament.

In the early going my Dad played with the Bellegarde Raiders, as did any man old enough to swing a bat at a fastball you could barely see. All of my friends’ fathers were involved with the team, and there was a time that they were very good, and very competitive.

The day started around 8 A.M. on Saturday and used the entire sports grounds. Every person in the community had their jobs and shifts. My grandfather called the play by play from the sound truck. Other men his age handed out quarters to children who retrieved foul balls and homeruns. Tending to the beer garden was obviously the preferred assignment. High school kids were given shifts for burger flipping and snack sales, under the watchful eye of someone’s mom as was the norm.

There were several diamonds and they all had different games going on, from Ladies Fastball to slow pitch, the place was buzzing. The grounds were occupied with children covered in spilled pop, sticky candy all over their faces, always with ball gloves in hand.

My role in the sports days was to collect foul balls and collect the rewards until I could buy junk. And buy junk I did. Any one from Bellegarde would tell you that that young Perreaux kid sported an orange moustache (from orange pop) just about the entire summer. It was kind of my trademark I guess.

When Bellegarde hosted the event it was always a full community effort to implement everything from the entry gates, to the horse rides, to the vending shack or even the sound booths for the diamonds. The regular contributors could always be counted on; the fathers of many of my best friends from childhood always answered the call. It was community spirit that put these things on. Looking back I realize how very special it was to be a part of a small town like that.

I feel that I grew up with the community watching me, looking out for me so to speak, there was never a house in the hamlet that I couldn’t knock on the door of and be welcomed by whomever be on the opposite side, though my shy nature hindered it. Me and my pals always pitched in and did our part, usually to little reward other than the fact that we spent the day with our Dad’s and friends helping out where we could. Truth be told; a few refreshments may have been shared among us.

By the time I was 12 years old we lived in the hamlet itself and our house was about 200 feet from the ballpark. It was an easy journey to get there for whatever time we liked and we could usually beat the traffic in. By the time we had arrived the cars were starting to roll in; a few volunteers had arrived and were fussing about with their designated duties. In the excitement I almost didn’t realize that the weather looked far less promising than I had imagined it would be. The rain started about 30 seconds later.

It just so happened that this was my father’s baby, he was the head of the committee that year (the men took turns at the helm organizing and tasking the duties), and I remember the look of disappointment on his face when the local radio news announced it: “The Bellegarde Sports day has been cancelled due to rain”.

Little Jeremy’s orange moustache would not develop that day, and of all the sports days ever held in Bellegarde; this one I remember most, because it never happened.

Yeah that's me

I had an interview with the Sarnia Observer about my Bulwer-Lytton dishonourable mention (about half way down the page after 'Purple Prose'). It was on the front page of the paper right underneath the John G. Munson collision story. What's surprising is that some of my sweethearts' co-workers noticed it almost immediately, and here I thought nobody read that paper! Here's a look, I scanned a photocopy of the paper, I'll just type out page A2 rather than scanning etc...
the last part of it reads:

In his Working life he is employed as a project officer with environmental response at the Canadian Coast Guard in Sarnia.

"I guess I was always the class clown, the entertainer with a quirky sense of humour," he said. "I find it really enjoyable."

Rice, a professor at San Jose State University in California intends to publish his sixth collection of Bulwer-Lytton Fiction winners soon.

Perreaux was asked to sign a waiver to allow his submission to be published in the book so he hopes Rice is serious - but it's hard to know.

For now he's basking in the glory of his first big win for bad writing. He's so proud, it only took him three months to tell anyone about it.

I made no mention of my blog in the piece but I did refer to Marianne and her influence on my writing, as well as the humour site I write to frequently, (HMO).

All in all the interview was good with a few discrepancies, Marianne was the first prize winner for her 2003 entry, and Scott Rice never told me I was wasting his time. His words were: "I have received your latest infliction" and "your latest submission will receive the attention it deserves". I was attempting to allude to the fact that you never quite know how to take the guy, given the nature of his comedic influence (sarcasm).

I wish they had included the stuff I said about dad introducing me to this competition he follows religiously and how when my name appeared that it was a thing of pride for him and I (I assume).

All in all it was a kick, and it sort of broadened my search for an outlet of my comedic genius... or at the very least some carrots to pursue while I make a name for myself on Leno and Letterman (did I just use both their names simultaneously in a sentence? vocational suicide...), failing that I will settle for a guest spot on the "Rick Mercer Show" as a johnny on the spot or something, but judging by the photo that "made the cut" in the article, I'd best stick to the shadows.

1000 words

If a picture is worth a thousand words, tell me; what is Hanky Poo thinking of saying?
Yes, this game was in Calagary, I pointed out the fact (several times) that the reason there looked like so much more red was because the stands are painted that color, with 3 minutes left of the game it was far more obvious to see who was "there", while the stampeder faithful gave up, took their balls and went home.

Even with the score of 21 to 5 as we approached the half I was confident there wouldn't be a problem, a few blown calls and some butter fingers were the difference to that point. It was obvious despite the score that the Riders were far and away beating the Stamps in every aspect except the score. But that soon changed with a fantastic throw into the Stampeders end zone for sure handed Matt Dominguez, then after the half Kenton Keith broke out and went 75 yards for the 6. I was losing it.

7 turnovers to our defence and Danny Barrett saluting the Rider Nation in Calgary after the game. I got a fuzzy, no kidding.

Next week the kitty cats are at home to welcome the Roughriders, I welcome all of you to wear a little green and cheer on the "good guys".

For any Bomber fans who may read this, I was convinced that they had the win, until gutt-less coaching and bad qb-ing prevailed.

It's on, the big game is Sunday at 4:00 PM ET. I will be glued to the tv awaiting the playoff fate of my beloved Roughriders and possibly my own. I have 2 tickets to Grey Cup and my move to the new house coincides with that time, needless to say if the Riders make it through BC I will have some hard decisions and explanations to make.

For the upcoming game in Calgary I expect we will win by about 10 points and that Kenton Keith and Armstead will carry most of the load with a few exeptional plays by Fantuz and Dominguez.

Hopefully Schultz will break through for 10 sacks but I would be satisfied with one that ends Burris' playoff run. Not because he is good, but just for spite... smiling bastard.

Otherwise I look forward to a quiet weekend packing up the "unnecessaries" for the big move in 3 weeks. Oh and maybe a beer somewhere in between.

Let's Go Riders!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Best Blog In The World

No this is not the best blog in the world, it is only a tribute...

I wrote the best blog in the world the other day, it had humor, litterary wit, highs and lows that would take the reader on a journey of biblical proportions. I just can't remember how it went.

You see I was challenged by the devil to provide him with the best blog in the world at the ransom of my own soul. And with the fear of hell itself coarsing through me, I turned my focus to the page and my fingers began to wail.

The devil scoffed as he began to read but his look of distaind soon turned to horror as he realized: it was the best blog in the world.

With a mighty swipe of his hand he tossed my pages aside and they burned to ashes from the contact of his firey hand. He looked somewhat disapointed. Because it was the best blog in the world.

He said I will leave now and your soul will remain in-tact, because you truly have written the best blog in the world.

In a cloud of smoke he disapeared and the smell of char hung heavy and I was left with the charred remains of what was the best blog in the world.

I wish you could have seen it, or read a solo line but I don't have any evidence that it was the best blog in the world.

This is not the best blog in the world, it is a tribute, because I can't remember how it goes.

Yabba Dabba Dead

It is with a heavy heart that I inform you of the passing of the animator of Fred, Barney and the Flinstones characters.

Wait a second, age 94??? Suddenly I feel less remorse for this prolonged existence, not his death. With Cousins and relatives taking seriously ill at ages from 36 to 80 I can honestly state that this man had a good run.

Now morbidly looking at the funeral arrangements, Magilla, Yogi and Booboo were selected as pallbearers along with Bam Bam who is now 78 and can barely manage to bicep curl a cement truck. His memorial stone (which was carved by a hard beaked, tetchy prehistoric fowl) reads:

Here lies a man who knew that value of the environment (foot powered cars), friends (dimwit Barney), and quitting time (Yabba Dabba Doo). Punch your card, dear angel.

The funeral was musically endowed with several original scores from Quick Draw McGraw. It was estimated that as many as 7 guitars were annihilated on the stone casket.

Huckleberry Hound stood out as the most devastated, obviously unable to come to grips with the passing of his creator stating simply: Who? I thought I was here for a taping of "The Surreal Life"...

Burrial will be at Hollyrock's "Stone dead" cemetary. Donations can be made on behalf of the departed to the University of Hollyrock Geology department.

Where you been?

Happy Gapper battles the Norther Frontier



Jim steps up to protect the local travelers at the Inuvik Airport.

Well, I’m back from the end of the world, at least the end of the road… actually there is no road to Tuktoyaktuk (Tuk) so I guess I went beyond. Here is a pictometary with some comment of my adventures where the sun don’t shine (go ahead and make fun).

Before leaving I had an opportunity to spens some time with my Beloved brother, Sis-in law, my God Son and Niece, aren’t they cute!



It was unusual arriving at these remote locations, what was most shocking to me during my first 5 minutes in the Northwest Territories was the similarities between the cab drivers of Inuvik and Toronto. $40.00 for a 5 minute cab ride? Get outa here!

This is an Igloo that is built as a sphere, from what I gathered it was built this way to avoid damage to the foundation when the shifting from the temperature change occurs. It is anchored by a single tie down and rotates as the earth beneath it shifts.



From Inuvik it was off to “Tuk” where the landscape changes from tree lines and different elevations to somewhat flat and treeless with lakes dabbed all across the plains.



There was plenty of rain and gloomy sunless days, but this odd thing appeared beside the base the first day we were there, I guess it was a look at the last bit of natural color we would see for a while. Trust me there was NO RAINBOW in Tuk.


This is the bed I stayed (almost) in, my feet stuck out the bottom and when I shifted at night I almost always nailed the wall. This must have scared the sasquatch looking woman on the other side because it was not uncommon for her to shit her pants (or al least sound like it) when I would move to another position.



Here is the beautiful town of Tuk taken from the end of the Trans Canada Trail.



This monument was dedicated by Queen Elizabeth during a visit to the NWT to mark the end of the trail.



This is a sort of hut used to keep such things as Caribou and Musk ox refrigerated, there is a tunnel that leads below the perma-frost line and provides cold temperatures year round. It is still used today by the local townspeople.



I followed the noise of a pack of dogs to this spot where a local dog sled racer keeps his animals separate from civilization. They were generally quite calm but none had the eyes of a dog I would approach for a cuddle.








As mentioned there are no roads to Tuk until the complete freeze up, this is when a winter road is erected on the ice of the Mackenzie river and serves as a lifeline for the community after the last of the shipping is done. This is a tug and barge returning to Inuvik for a last run before the rivers become to treacherous to navigate. Everything gets here by plane or on a boat such as these. Vehicles are purchased from the south and shipped to the new owner at the reasonable price of nearly 1500.00, after the warranty is voided because of the cost to the manufacturer to service a vehicle with problems so far north.



The Coast Guard Ship Nahidik and Eckaloo arrived a few days before we left and we boarded for coffee and cookies with the Captain. This vessel was actually more impressive than I had imagines from pictures I had seen.



Go figure, the nicest day we had in Tuk was the day we left, here are some various shots from land and air.







PS I never got a picture of the Sasquatch but I assure you that the beast could pass air at a rate that most Men will never know and few that were in captivity could ever survive. Keep watching the Enquirer, they do exist!

A little news

The Puck Around team will be taking to the field Friday evening at 6:00 PM to try and establish dominance over whoever stands between us and the championship.

The playoffs started Monday and we pulled out a convincing 19 to 9 win over the Jail. We meet the best team in the league Saturday morning and history would suggest we are dead meat. But we are hopeful… that the team gets a bad case of diarrhoea and is unable to “contain” itself. Failing that we will just have to play solid ball.

More importantly there will be the post season banquet consisting of the best cabbage rolls ever and a well stocked bar. We usually follow the night up with a trip to a tavern and a few nightcaps.

Found out that I will be travelling to Tuktoyaktuk on the 23rd until Beginning October. Great chance to see some of the country that I would never otherwise visit. My new job is a lot of fun… if you like deeking polar bears and flight schedules.

N. Drew has nothing on me

As a wave or fear passed through his very core, Anthony decided it was time to come clean:
"I did it, I killed the girl and her lover; I'm sorry, I never intended for it to happen." Anthony's sudden valiant effort at honesty was of little consequence though, since before he could take a breath to refill his lungs after his confession, 1760 Volts were passed through his body. It seems the video, fingerprints and testimony of 14 eye witnesses was enough to "sink" him.

From the front

Brother Les is in Afghanistan once again things are a little intense as you have likely read/heard/seen. Here is a section of a letter to the family I received today:

"Had a great uneventful sleepful night, crashed in a cot near the warmembrace of a Light armoured vehicle inside our little fort. Sporadicartillery kaboom and rat tat tat off in the distance, but nothing that keptme up. The soldiers have had 24 hours without anyone getting hurt, so that'sgreat news. Woke up this morning and actually remembered to brush my teeth. Made use ofthe portapotty. Ah, the small comforts. It's looking pretty quiet for us here today.

Not sure what will be on tap,but I wouldnt' be against hangin' out here and recharging a bit.Looks like i"m getting some major pickup on a picture I took. Fronts ofseveral papers out west so far. Cool. Pretty happy with the work so far.

I've got a Sept. 11 feature coming up that I'm pretty pleased with, too.

It's always a relief on these assignments when you get a few good stories onthe go right away. Takes the pressure (self-imposed, naturally) off. Graeme Smith, my Globe and Mail colleague and great friend, is the onlyother reporter up here. He must have worked until 5 a.m. (compared to my 1a.m.), so I'll be curious to see what he did.

On the living front, we're eating rations with the soldiers. I've actuallygot quite a lot of experience with that now. They're much better than youmight expect. Basically every kind of food you can imagine canned in tinpackets. Lots of stews, omlets for breakfast, with rice or this weirddesicated bread that lasts 200 years. And always a canned fruit to go withit. Then a myriad of goodies besides, chocolate bars, candies and such. Anyway, I see the coffee is on. Think I'll go help myself. All is well, andI'm thinking about you all. especially poor dad and his war with the BusNazis. Take care, Les"

Well brother we are all thinking of you too,I now have a new awesome computer so anything you send can and will be used to entertain the millions that read my blog daily... or at least my 5 buddies...

Reporting from room 126 in Gananoque Ontario, HappyGapper Signing off... more on what I've beenup to tommorow... WITH PICS!

Ta

Dirty Thirty

Well folks my life as I know it is over, I am 30 years old.

The joy of receiving messages and e-mails with “old fart” in the subject line is fading and I look back on what was my “lucky year” and think about what a change my life has taken in just one year. I am far happier now, I like my job better, I have possibly the perfect girlfriend.

Perfect indeed, she threw me a birthday party 2 weeks ago and the surprises never seem to stop coming. We went to the Tiger-Cats vs. Roughriders game last Saturday and who should I get to shake hands and meet? Chris Szarka, my idol fullback for the Riders that my dear Schmue and good buddy Mark arranged weeks prior. It was a trip.

(in case you weren't sure that's me on the left...yeah.. right)

He’s not so big, I wasn’t even flexing… Besides, who wants to look like that guy anyway... Note the elevation of his footwear versus mine??? I'm huge.

It was the best football experience ever; we got more autographs from Kenton Keith and the rookie running back Shermar Bracey on the sidelines.


The Ti-Cats fans were terrific, a little grumpy but for the most part they were great, the stadium was great, seats were fantastic and the whole trip was surreal.

The past few weeks have been a real eye opener as to how great my friends and family are, I am a Lucky Gapper. Can’t wait to see what I get when I turn 40!

Here are a few more shots of the day:

Shivers, I ain't talkin' thermic people!

Hey dude,

You need to blog your reaction to the Shivers’ shuffle and Barrett’s shelf life.

Den

Alrighty, here’s my take on this thing.

Seven seasons of mediocre performance by what was slated each year as being a contender for the Grey Cup. Granted the record pre-Shivers was far worse, but seven years is long enough to turn any team into a winning machine.

Shivers brought some of the best talent in the CFL to our little organization in the flatlands but the mob is fickle, dear brother; they are calling for Jim Hopson’s head on a spit and I can’t disagree.

I think the problems with this organization are far more than a stubborn GM, it’s a board of old out of date curmudgeons that like their spot on top of the food chain and the more they try to control the game side of things the less we manage to win. With Jim Hopson in any position of power we are less likely to crawl out of our funk and more likely to plunge into a darker place.

Let’s visit the timing of this, after an uplifting and convincing win (46-15) last week, we face the same team this week (which I will be attending (row 15 section E)) with…. You guessed it, off the field controversy. It happens every year and the timing is always brutal. Where does it all stem from? Do you believe the old expression “shit doesn’t flow uphill”? I think the gravity in the prairie province of Saskatchewan allows accountability to be assigned to the top positions, but stops just shy of the puppet masters (the Roughriders Board of Directors).

Danny Barrett is safe for the season; he will likely be cut next year either way. With him gone I doubt we will field a team that consists of some of their talent findings. When contracts come due Calgary is likely to sweep up most of our guys and we will be facing another rebuilding year.

I’m not saying that Roy was the answer, nor is Danny (7 seasons say so) but I can tell you that the way this thing transpired will leave a sour taste in everyone’s mouth, inside and out of the organization.

And with the rumours swirling around the possible hiring of Eric Tillman, I am a saaaaaaaaad Panda.

So look for me this weekend on the television, I will be donning green #33 and waving my Pilsner Roughrider flag atop a tent pole.

That’s hot…

So I don’t turn thirty for a little more than a week, but Saturday all my friends here put together a little get together for me. The mastermind behind it was my dear girlfriend Sue and her sneaky daughter Julie. They managed to pull the proverbial wool over my eyes for weeks as they schemed and planned. The biggest surprise of the night was the arrival of my brother and his wife Kim who made the trip from Montreal to be here.

The next biggest surprise was the Saskatchewan Roughrider theme and the appearance of the finest of the Trailblazers:
I still get flashbacks to the “Simply Irresistible” music video.
Yeah, pretty hot stuff. I was shocked; I hope this doesn’t mean I’ll have to dress up like the cast of Rockstar for my lady! Thanks Stace for the pic.

I got gifts (way too many) that tell a lot about my personality.
A ring /horseshoe style yard game (way too much fun when drinking – which I do occasionally)
A Money clip that can hold a single bill snugly (because I am always broke)
Rob Rainford Cook book and BBQ cook book (what has two thumbs and loves to BBQ? – This guy right here!)
A bottle of liquor (See ring toss game notes)
Tickets to the Roughriders vs. Hamilton at Ivor Wynne stadium (Because I’m wearing the cheerleader outfit next week!)
A pair of tank tops (because I’m huge)
Lotto tickets (because I’m broke and the are the 1 million dollar winners)
A bicycle (because some spineless waste of skin stole mine)
A new shiny Baseball bat (Shut up Trevor)

So it was a long Sunday as you can imagine, the night came complete with a kidnapping and another bout of “In car Wrestling” (I totally won) with Wheels.

So look for me on CBC’s football coverage next week, I’ll be there with a few of my cheerleader friends and maybe I can convince them to garb up for the occasion and get us on TV… Nah, nobody wants to see that twice in a lifetime.

Shits and Giggles

Here's a joke that was forwarded to me via e-mail with a reply with the Happy Gapper spin...


I have a dog & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting "The Purina Diet" again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but That I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two Every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me. I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack as he staggered out the door laughing!!

HG SAYS:

In light of this revelation I must advise you that Purina is generally compiled of sawdust and livestock horns with a saucy blend of Chicken remains (generally the stuff even McDonalds wouldn't try to pass off as food). I must also advise you that the reason you found it necessary to "lick your balls" was to dispel the taste that is left from the pellets which are slightly more offensive than said balls.

Please reconsider your decisions to both consume the pellets for weight control and lick yourself in public.

Cheers

Let's play a game

Okay, at my own peril I have decided to get a game going today. Here is a headline (for all of you CFL or NFL fans), I'll give you a real news headline and you can make whatever comments you like in the comments section below.

We all know Ricky Williams' affinity for the "herbal" smoky oxygen, so... what do you make of this?

WILLIAMS TURNS TO OXYGEN TANK TO HEAL ARM

Now to get you started:

Doctors also believe that by allowing a hash brownie during each session will reduce Ricky's boredom 75% while increasing long lasting paranoia by 80%.

A whale sized pain in the @$$

Call it a summer vacation, call it a temporary lapse in intelligence. I personally would call it the sudden alignment of Family responsibility, extra curricular activities and the simultaneous break down of my dictation plank (keyboard)… I have been neglecting my brainchild, I apologize.

So now I need a new computer, any donations can be forwarded directly to me, otherwise please bare with me while I limp through getting whatever time I can to write a blurb.

So recently I went to Marine Land, it was a good experience… once… prices are ridiculous and there is really only one show worth the time it takes. The rides are for the strong stomached and fearless. Ellie Mae would roll her eyes and laugh at me.

One thing that I noticed was that the population of this park in Niagara Falls was less like a community and more of a crayon box of origins cultures and languages. I was the minority – but so was every one else. It was interesting to watch a pair on Mennonite ladies in full dress ripping along on the “Dragon” roller coaster at top speed. It was even funnier to see (or not see) a 40 pound 4 foot tall child on the same ride. Her head was barely visible.

Of course I have to mention Ontario driving abilities here. Barrelling down the 402, 401 and 403 sandwiched by the masses in anything from a BMW to a 1981 Topaz all going 145 kilometres per… lane changes catch you by surprise like the absence of that last step as you climb a set of stairs in the dark.

As I made my innocuous manoeuvres along the way it became obvious to me that no ride at marine land gets my stress levels and heart-rate up like a romp along the highway side by side with the ignorance that comes with a fast car, or a car that you simply don’t care about, or a car with “Dale Earnhardt Junior” decals all over it. Oddly enough it is the minivan that I fear most, because they have all the characteristics of a race car: The above mentioned decals, a large motor, and manoeuvrability (somewhat anyway). Most importantly the pilot of this road rocket is a middle aged man with children screaming in the back that has lost his will to live, thus the lack of self preservation instinct that most of us still cling to.

I finally arrived home, knuckles white and back aching head drowsy because of a 1 and ¾ hour detour into the worst traffic in the area (my fault… ahem). Man is it nice to be at work today, maybe later I will beat my head against a wall so that I may relive the entire Marine Land experience, and save 250 bucks.

Proud Papa

Is it just me or are the Saskatchewan Roughriders a much more exciting team to watch? I credit Condell for the new Offense that has tricks up its sleeve, like a quarterback receiver.

It has been a long time since the Riders tried something more than an onside kick. It has been much fun to watch (win and lose). How about coming out the second half and stumping the Stamps with a sudden succession of running plays that got us somewhere in the neighbourhood of 30 or 40 yards. Shovel passes? That is nothing that is expected. What about Armstead changing an apparent deep route to scurry behind Joseph for an apparent hand-off? I foresee that one making another appearance this year.

Congi was pretty solid and Fantuz even got some play. All in all, My Rider love is more of an obsession now that our QB can throw a ball, and our receivers can catch. Let’s hope Burris changes his smile for another pout session this weekend.

Cash or Charge?

It seems the Europeans have “one upped” us again, the time honoured classic board game “monopoly has taken a turn for the worst. The paper money is being replaced by a card and a swiping machine to act as the bank. It is a Visa.

The values once learned from Monopoly will be muted by the endless revolving debt caused by credit, forever increasing the limit of your purchase power and instilling the values that are more common these days…how can I get the most cash in my pocket for the smallest monthly payment.

Rainy day stowing of your money to fool opponents will be much easier since nobody will be privy to your limit or balance, but as a student of real life, I’ll bet little Billy has maxed his card out on a house he can’t afford and a car he doesn’t need because he has reasoned with himself that he is wasting money on rent and that the bus is not practical in the long run. Then he’ll get a plasma T.V. and all the tricks and wires to make absolutely no difference to the enrichment of his life but actually cause him ulcers and an irregular heart-beat, and on his death bed he will swipe it once more to make sure the pine box he is to spend eternity in, is air tight….as if it matters.

Parker brothers… you clever bastards.

Pa, get Momma some Zantac

My globetrotting brother is off to yet another place on the planet that nobody wants to be, as a matter of fact the Canadian government is evacuating it's own nationals by the hundreds. This is the kind of guy my brother is, though he will tell you that he is sipping champagne by the pool in a 5 star hotel far from danger, we know he craves the proximity that is slightly more volatile all for the sake of a good story. He has been to Afghanistan twice, Pakistan (though not under siege my malevolent human forces) and now we find dear "Pokey" in Lebanon.

Worried though I may be, I know the instinct to stay safe and return home is strong, because after all, I live near him and... well... I'm not quite sure how to tell you this, but..... I'm kind of a big deal.

And I know the instinct is alive and well, because I saw him in the thick of the Saskatchewan brush searching for a golfball that would have been more rare to find therein than a burmese python; and I'm pretty sure he didn't find either.

Take care bother-man.

Hot Hot Hot

It’s so hot here today that it’s hard to breathe, and being the stupid ass that I am, I get to bike in work clothes for 10 minutes then go play a double header of baseball. I can’t imagine the collective sweating that will occur tonight seeing as how 90% of us are overweight and out of shape.

So my evening will consist of a massive amount of pit stained men running around bases and huffing and puffing what little oxygen is out there for us all. Something tells me that I had better stock the beer cooler well for this one.

Did any of you catch the Rider game Saturday? Now how many of you believe that we will ever beat the Stampeders? I loathe the toothy one.

I realized this weekend that I will buy a house someday with a pool because spending all day and night in the recycled air of the frost spewing cold box is bad for your health and tolerance, I’m becoming a pansy.

Hype

A budding talent…. Brilliant…. The next “One”….
These were the pressures that David had lived with his entire life, living up to expectations and fulfilling them each day. Spending every waking moment modeling his life in the likeness to the collective anticipation of his peers took its toll, however; for being a understudy for the entire cast of the Dora Live In Concert came with pressure unparalleled by his previous employ as a Water boy for “The Smurfs On Ice”.

Prodigal son?

Well I’m back and on a positive note to boot, I had toyed with the idea of nixing my blog entirely and had all but pulled the plug, then I got a word from my writing confidant Mariann Simms and her Humor Me site (also see links under “Stomping Grounds”) that one of my Bulwer Lytton entries made the cut and secured a “Dishonourable Mention” in the Romance category. You can check it out here.

So for the following few days while I ease into a steady pace of work, gym and relaxation time, I will take time to put forth the witticisms for which you long, like the salivating dogs that you are… talk about a nice way to make my return!

PS, I appreciate all the support during my “off time” to get the HG up and at it again. Thanks Mariann for giving me the e-kick in the pants I needed.

Only 365 days until next BL contest closure, better get cracking!

If a picture was ever worth a thousand words, Peter was certain that his was worth much more, and the photograph - if seen by some sort of “Idiom Appraisal specialist” would surely have set the value beyond the meagre 1000 words that the slogan suggests, And in Peter’s mind a still of the 18th page of his 1973 encyclopaedia was sheer genius.

Who's it gonna be?

I would like to boldly a Edmonton Comeback Saturday night to tie the series at 3 games each.

Also, the Roughriders will blow the BC Kitties away tonight with some Offence not seen since in Saskatchewan for nearly 7 years.

Enjoy your weekend folks!

Is it beer time yet?

Man sometimes I amaze myself with my wordiness, especially when I know nothing of a subject.

The concersation was like this:

"I was going to ask you something."

JIM:"was it about the advantage of pressed cardboard versus corrugated?"

"No but of course I want to hear your opinion."

Jim:
"I find the overall strength of corrugated cardboard is far superior to that of pressed cardboard. Though pressed cardboard has its advantage, it is not in manageability or cost effectiveness, in fact, a 12 gauge corrugated box uses less material for a superior strength.

Pressed cardboard has its own specialized applications, mostly for cost effectiveness and space management when a high degree of strength is not mandatory.

Overall both productions serve their purposes successfully therefore I conclude that their comparable qualities are best left for specific comparison rather than a droning ramble on a Friday afternoon."

Can you believe I've never worked in a box factory? Or read about cardboard manufacturing? Only if you have. Somehow I continue to amaze my self with my proficiency at Bullhooey.

Let me tell you...

Even through the thorniest of times, I cling to the fondest memories that developed from them.

I remember the fury that stemmed from a sibling harmed. To this day, none has earned the right to exact contempt (for any flouting) on my family.

When I went through the horror of losing my best friend, my brother who had experienced the same thing years before was my support. I remember vividly the moments leading up to the news and the moments after, I remember how good it felt to have a friend who was my brother.

When I went through the dreadfulness of responding to an accident that saw some people very close to me and my family depart this life, I remember being the same person as there had been for me for the one who needed it most. I recollect the way we bonded in a way that most people will never have the prospect to experience.

When I went through the many failures of my life, it was these people who were there to support and love me unconditionally, and optimistically look ahead to what I could accomplish and know that all of the success in my life, somehow stemmed from their guidance.

But the thing I remember clearest of all the things in my life, was when my own personal injury (stay with me here it was an actual physical injury) saw both my parents in a capacity that no parent ever anticipates. I recall the look on their face when they saw me immediately after the incident; one, the look of horror that their baby had been hurt, like the mother of a newborn after baby’s first fall. And the other; the calm collected look of reassurance that nothing could be so bad that you ever gave up. I remember to this day the sight of the headlights following the ambulance 300 kilometres to the hospital where I would undergo 8 hours of surgery. I know not a wink of sleep was had that night.

I know that this is uncharacteristically “un-funny” but some things just have to be put to paper. Besides, not everything is a joke.

This is less of a Father’s day tribute and more of a family tribute. I have a great life and I couldn’t have asked for better.

Told you I can write more than dick and fart jokes.

Closure

***REMOVED***

Great Caesar's Toga!

Is it just me or is everything way overpriced?

I bought a 3 piece BBQ set over the weekend and paid 20 bucks, then got a grill brush, some kebab skewers and it ran me well over 35. Then I go to a liquidation place and it had a set (complete with all of that stuff) for 15 bucks... I am not a savvy shopper.

I don't buy gas, but let me tell you if I did I'd whine about it too! Over a dollar per litre is the norm (more than 4.00/gallon my US friends). Now and anytime we are graced with 95 cent/litre fuel a collective sigh rises towards the heavens...Thank god it's not 1.05 anymore!

Are you people crazy? A year ago 75 cents was barely acceptable, we actually cruised around the 60's for a while, then wham, 85 cents a litre - then people were pissed, so it went up more -90 cents... then down it came to rest at 75, whew what a relief, it's the same pattern each time, make people comfortable with the gouging by overcharging way too much then dropping it at a hike that's still noticeable, like people didn't notice the ten cent hike that will never subside..."but at least it ain't a buck!", Well guess what? It's about an average of over a dollar and you're all getting screwed!

Man am I glad I decided to be smart and earth concious - you know protect the environment and drive my bicycle around - yeah that's what I did...

Get off my planet

The disease that had run rampant through the United States, had at last conquered the further reaches of the planet. The Malady did not discriminate on gender, language or class. It was a whisper in your ear everywhere you went and at times it was a strident violation of your intellect and graciousness. Let this day forever mark the end of Oversized glasses because Jay Manuel said so. Besides they look ridiculous.

Idiots

I want to put a shock collar on certain people in this world, you know the kind that comes with a long range remote for behaviour training dogs. I could make everyone behave to my liking. And if they didn’t? ZZZZAPPO. Littering? Zap. Loitering? Zap. Talking loud? Zap. Talking too soft? Zap. Driving slowly? Zap.

I could arrange a whole series for attitude adjustments like for deadbeat parents: The collar would detect poor parenting in its early stages and shock the pectoral, shoulder and bicep muscle in unison causing them to contract and slap the offenders face as often as it takes to correct their behaviour.

Men who abuse their spouses would be perfectly matched for the “Blinky 2k7” at the first sign of aggression this little darling will both deliver an electrical shock to the anus while a small hydraulic “clapper” would compress the genitals until the aggression subsides.

Nobel prize here I come!! Just remember you saw them here first! Patent pending.

They are the future

Here are ten ways for a teenager to screw their lives up but good, list built from experience and guesstimation.

10. Fist fight a fully grown Boar in heat. (Suweee! You may not have to worry about adulthood after all!)

9. Speak in the third person at all times. (“Jim would like a coke, but Jim don’t know maybe Jim would prefer egg nog… Can you give Jim a minute?”)

8. Resist arrest after getting caught stealing a road work sign. (Hmmmm)

7. Pee on a park bench while the nice Officer tries to enjoy his lunch on a sunny day. (“So here’s where all the (blanks) hang out!”)

6. Experiment with home made drugs. (“Dude it’s kinda like X but I just caked some comet cleaning powder with a spot of Drano, the old man’s Grey Goose and mom’s birth control pills.”)

5. Wear a Dora the Explorer t-shirt to Metallica mosh pit. (Pretty sure your map ain’t gonna get you outa this one)

4. Get a job outside of a truck stop for a guy with a feather in his hat. (No one wants to be called a lot lizard, not even a lot lizard)

3. Tattooing your sweethearts’ name on your forehead. (Need I Elaborate?)

2. Piercing your privates. (Sorry son, but those holes ain't going to fill in)

1. Visit Never Land and spend the weekend in Michaels room. (Thriller indeed)

Barely believable

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water
Jack fell down and broke his crown
And Jill came tumbling after.
Up got Jack, and home did trot
As fast as he could caper
He went to bed and bound his head
With vinegar and brown paper.

Permit me to dissect this, if you please.
On what planet would a body of water be at the top of a hill? Are we talking a little lake or a stream? Where does it lead? If it leads somewhere then chances are there is something closer on the bottom of the hill that would prevent what comes next.

Broke his crown? Is Jack royalty? If so what’s he doing fetching anything? Was he just trying to meld with the “people”? Maybe he should have taken his high fluting crown off then.
Jill never should have been following so closely, especially to a nut who fetches water with a crown.

So now our boy Jack is up again “trotting” home at top speed. What’s up with Jill at this point? Did Jacky boy leave her to rot in a ditch?

So now he’s home safe and sound and he does what anyone who hurt their heads would do, dump the leftover fries out of the condiment soaked bag and put it on your head.

What passed for writing in 1795? Now Barney? That lizard's got soul.

Hot hot heat

Yesterday was our first taste of the heat that Southern Ontario can only provide. Humidity and little to no wind. The apartment was hot and sticky and the South end of the house was smouldering. I actually impulse bought a window air conditioner from an on line classified ad and installed it at 9:00 at night.

We never had an air conditioner during my childhood, our cooling was provided through cool summer evenings and a light breeze through the windows. The luxury of manufactured coolness was never a passing thought. Mom’s system was fool proof and the house always felt cool throughout the day no matter what it was like outside. Humidity was never a factor like it is here and that was half the battle in my opinion.

Now I have grown accustomed to the gentle whiz of a GE 6000 BTU window buddy, and to be without one in these parts would mean many a sleepless night. I try to imagine life without it and on a day like today when you are starting a new job with new people around you, the last thing you want is to show up to work sweating profusely with pit stains on your slick office guy outfit.

Happy Gapper is off to his new job now; I hope I don’t get beat up for my lunch money. I used to be the cool kid!

Dance Monkey

I’m not one to brag about the stupid things I do in the name of humour or a good time, but I took the proverbial cake last night.

A good friend’s father turned 70 and they hosted a party for him last night, they wanted to do something different for him and needed a lackey, well guess which clown they came to…no, not him…me!

So at 4:30 yesterday afternoon the Gapper strapped on a costume and strip teased the crowd with moves that could only parallel a bowl of Jell-O. I will remain surreptitious on the specifics of the costume pending receipt of the photo proof. Otherwise I’ll own up to nothing!

Later that evening was a good visit and a drive all around town piloted by yours truly, I was D.D. (not my stripping outfit, Designated Driver you sillies), Uncle Jim is a barrel of fun, no doubt.

A few notes on a Saturday morning

I got to get up to speed on the what's what of Saturday morning cartoons. I can't believe some of the cartoons that entrap a 5-year-old mind. A show about a Brother and sister rabbit that go through the twist and turns of daily life, with one exception, the little brother rabbit is a half-wit. This is one dumb, dumb bunny. Any seemingly straightforward task is jumbled and turned into a calamity only for big sister to clean up the chaos.

Next was a cartoon about some super villain cheerleaders who are trying to run amuck in some futuristic city. Their fighting style is some ancient form of teen PMS cheerleader kick style. In the end the “good” cheerleaders win and some goofy four-eyed boy makes the cheerleading squad as head cheerleader because his competition is incarcerated for their indiscretions.

Next is a classic, Scooby Doo where super villains are trying to scare people. For some reason the team (who for the most part look quite capable and intelligent) continually pairs the two biggest screw-ups in the posse to try and solve whatever crime they are assigned to. But by some half assed coincidence these hapless morons manage to foil the rogues.

I miss Bugs Bunny, there was a certain genius behind an anvil crushing every cast member at one point or another in their series.

A theme seems to run constant throughout; boys are dumb, except for the good-looking one on Scooby. I guess that may be why I have such esteem problems…sigh; I don’t remember Saturday morning cartoons being so depressing.

Madness

It was the summer of love, not to be mistaken with the summer of discovery or the summer of truth because imagine those all taking place the same summer, that would just be silly.

Life and times and the cars that got me there

The first vehicle I drove was a nineteen seventy something Ford Courrier. It was a sun faded red with a shredded interior with a bench seat and 4 speeds. In my younger days it was used to commute to the nearby hamlet and back to the farm we lived on outside of town. My greatest thrill was when Dad would set me on his lap and let me steer.

This vehicle was the pride of each of the Gapper boys, we all took turns repairing and modifying it in one capacity or another. We all dreamed of the day that this truck would be our own and how cool we would be screaming down the correction line in it.

The truck was never registered or insured because it never took a trip more than 4 or 5 miles, it was used to haul garbage to the dump, transport wood and do other light duty things around home. Nobody ever took ownership of little red, but we all had fun tearing around in it as soon as we could reach the clutch.

The car I got my license with was a 1983 Pontiac Parisienne, this was a massive car by today’s standards. My Dad bought it new from a dealership 40 miles from home. This car saw 4 teenagers a few dead deer (though they were only dead after the encounter), countless miles and road trips to hockey, vacations, boarding school drop-offs, in city and cross province relocations (looked funny screaming down the streets of Saskatoon with a Queen size bed on the roof) and the like.

I don’t know the exact numbers but what we affectionately referred to as “Le Pontiac”, was retired about 3 years ago in Alberta, it was donated and likely became a gross of pop cans or I beams, by guestimation I’d say it had 300,000 kilometres on it and what was left of the body. At the end several interior parts had been pitched from the car while on the road because it was no longer possible to keep it whole. Parts of the Pontiac are scattered and buried all over Saskatchewan where her soul shall rest for ever, or until some farmer gets it stuck in his tire.

The next car I drove was the Mercury Capri my eldest brother bought and handed down. This was my first “cool” car. It got me to many a party and the scent of vanilla pine tree air fresheners sill takes me back. The Capri died near Richardson Saskatchewan when the engine overheated and spewed scalding antifreeze over the right side of my torso leaving me with significant burns and discomfort. Luckily we flagged down a bus bound for home and found $250.00 in the seat. The bus driver said to keep it since this bus was out of service for a year before this trip. I don’t remember the evening for obvious reasons.

The last of my most memorable vehicles was the 1986 Chevrolet Cavalier or “Kadoo”, it was named this because it spent more time in the snow bank than the road but never by accident, I had a E. Knievel thing going for a while. I’ll retain further stories due to the fact that my Mother reads this occasionally. Two words: Wet Bar.

I’ve had about another 6 or 7 cars since that are gone for various reasons but they mostly served me well or were dispatched by mine own hand.

So in honor of the cars that got us around life and near misses, I take one sip of a 40 for me and pour one to the earth for my homeys.

Black cats, spilled salt and a rabbit foot.

Superstitions are silly, right? I mean you can’t seriously believe that talking to your goal posts is going to prevent the puck from entering as often as if you had not had a heart to heart.

I may be a little superstitious. When I watch a Saskatchewan Roughriders game I sit down with me #33 authentic jersey on. I can not listen to the national anthem; I change the channel until I am sure the sound waves have receded. Once I am watching the game I sit in suspense as I await what should be my team’s sure win, given that I ignored the anthem, unfortunately at times that's not enough. Can you believe that sometimes Saskatchewan falls behind anyway? If at the half we are down by 10 points or more, the jersey comes off and occupies the seat next to me until our inevitable triumph.

That is some weird stuff I guess, I actually told my little brother to stop watching the games because last season they went on a losing skid and it just so happened that he was watching every one. As soon as he stopped tuning in, poof! We went on a winning streak.

Superstitious or way out of line?

Last night I was watching the Edmonton Oilers beat the Anaheim Mighty Ducks. It was 4 – 0 in the third period which is normally a lock. I was speaking to my girlfriend on the phone and she just happened to tune in. Then things went bad for the Oilers… 4-1, wow, what bad luck, oh well, they’ll be fine…4-2, eesh still a lot of the game to play what might have changed to make the Oilers luck turn bad?… 4-3 Sue, sweetie, can you change the channel? After convincing her that I was serious she stopped laughing at me and clicked away.

I kid you not, 2 minutes after the channel was changed Oilers score… 5-3. I was a little shocked.

In the dying minutes of the game, Anaheim mustered another goal to come within one. I’m convinced that she must have been channel surfing or something and come across the game momentarily. In the last minute of play the Ducks pulled the goalie and there was an onslaught but Rolie the Goalie prevailed and Edmonton took a 3-0 series lead; one win away from the Stanley Cup Final.

If you think that’s weird, you should see my ritual before a hockey game that I play in…I’ve tried everything and I still suck, wonder if maybe I should change the sacrificed chicken for some KFC or something…

So now I'd like to ask the Oiler faithful (if there are any who read my blog) to drop a note of thanks to the one person who carried the team and ensured the "W" for the good guys. Thanks for taking one for the team, they couldn't have done it with you. I suddenly feel and piercing pain in my posterior...but I don't believe in Voodoo.

Funnier than thou

Okay, so for those of you who read the comments section of my Blog, you see that Mariann Simms has been commenting for a while now, whe pointed me in the direction of her own web-site that pits the funnier writers on the web in a no holds barred yuk yuk fest. There are an assortment of contest and even some prizes. For appearances as winner or mention of your submission you gather RA (Rat's Ass) points, there are different amounts for different placements. I've managed to amass 40 for 3 mentions in 3 contests since I started.

There are some pretty clever contests there and some extra funny writers there, I'd encourage you to check it out, it updates occasionally and you never know j_perreaux may appear as a winner someday, I will then cash my RA's for something large and tacky for all who know me to see.

So without further intro, here is Humor Me Online, enjoy! And feel free to compete, if you dare.

****Update, I just noticed I now have 60 RA's because I got 2 mentions in Photo Laughs for my SpongeGoth comments... 4 contests 5 mentions... much fun.

Cuz I lve you maaaann *hic*

Miller Brewing Company,

I have just become legal drinking age and I would like to bring certain concerns to you for your action as you see fit.

On the day of my birthday I purchased 24 Miller Genuine Draft bottles from the local CONOCO service station. Upon my return home I proceeded to drink them in succession.

Once completed the first 6, I was feeling light headed and dizzy, my judgement was impaired. After 6 more bottles, I found that my normally crisp and well enunciated english had become incoherent and pointless.

I attempted to drink one more from the next 12 only to fall asleep near the toilet.

I woke the next afternoon with the following side-effects: Nausea, vomiting, dizziness, diahrea, dehydration, bad taste in mouth, perspiration and I was unable to walk or operate a motor vehicle for 24 hours.

I am therefore returning the unused portion of my purchase for refund in the hopes that your testing facilities may isolate the problem and correct the deficiency.

Sincerely
Bob Maher

How often has my little dog gone?

Dear Purina,

As one of your newest customers I felt it necessary to alert you to a potential problem with your product.

I puchased a Large bag of Purina Beneful for my Yellow Labrador Retriever, Jackal. After using a veterinarian brand for years, I was pleased to see the cost difference alone but to add to my excitement, my dog took to your brand of dog food with gusto. I even followed the suggestion on your web-site:

“Also, keep in mind that while there are appropriate times to change a dog’s diet, frequent changes are not necessary or recommended. It can contribute to finicky eating habits and increase the potential for stomach upsets. Consistency in pet foods is more important than variety.”

This was great information however there was a development later in the evening where Jackal had uncontrolable explosive diahrea and messed my house up something awful. Stomach upset may be something of an understatement.

It has been 32 days and there is still no sign of consistency in his feces, should I change his food to something different and mix it with your brand to see if he’ll recover?

Thank you for your time, I look forward to your prompt response.

Oh boo yourself!

Here's a story about the boo birds in San Jose and the retalliation of Canada's team during the singing of our neighbor's National anthem.

What did you expect, them good ol' boys and girls to begin a war protest at Rexall? That's really more of a Montreal thing. I was so proud, I could have cried.

West is Best

the-IDE hockey playoff pool is alive and well after another ousting of a Stanley Cup Fave!

Oilers have completed a four game win streak to oust Thornton and the evil Cheechoo thereby assuring that I will not be serving beer at the next family gathering. Now it's a race between Denis (what like 1 player left standing) Junior (what like 1 player standing) and me (STALL and STILLMAN TO THE FINALS!!!!).

Our friendly family pool is taking on a life of its own now that Pokey is BUBB. (Back Up Beer Bitch) should Gil be unable to fulfill his duties.

I can't wait til I go home, but now I have 4 schedules to plan around to make sure I'm not the BUBB designate.

Next year I will prevail as the #1 Hockey pool winner guy and will suckle at the teet of the brethren surpassed by my hockey savy... Yup better save up for the next Texas Mickey...

P.O.S. car

It was September 2003, Junior and I had decided to make a pilgrimage west to Regina for a game at Taylor Field. Roughriders against the Argonauts. We planned to attend the game with Geo and his (soon to be) wife.

We had been home to witness the marriage of my brother Les to his wife Kimmy. It was a fabulous weekend and the addition of a Roughrider game would complete the perfect visit home. Junior had driven his 1990 Honda Civic from Alberta, so we were driving to Regina in it.

We had driven about an hour and a halfwith music cranked and windows down when we lost power and stalled. We got out of the car to investigate, and under the hood was the melted mess that was identified as a blown engine. The Civic's innauguration into yet another family horror story of good cars gone bad.

We remained on the side of the road contemplating options. As is always the case in Saskatchewan, a good samaritan wasn't long rescuing us from our roadside quandary.

We abandoned ship and made plans to have a friend meet us outside of town at a local watering hole traditionally frequented by our group before Roughrider games. Junior was decidedly upset, but I filled him with beer so he felt a litle better by half time.

Saskatchewan won the gameand as it happened my good friend T-BO was at the game about 10 rows up from us with his daughter. We secured our ride home and proceeded to get schnockered. The ride home was fun and we arranged for a tow to get the car to the city for...Whatever. Engine was seized, so it needed to be replaced. After some searching and phone calls we found the best deal and the engine was replaced in time to get Junior back to Cowtown and work.

This weekend marked the end of that era. Junior has a new(er) car and we are trying to name it. It';s a 1994 Cavalier (not even Z24), it's Purple.

Names suggested by Junior:
Purple People Eater
Barney
Purple Nurple

I suggested Brokeback Bangole, it's a play on a movie that explores (western) homosexuality, along with a french translation of car. I think it's a winner, but I'll turn it over to my loyal staff of proof-readers and witaholics to populate a list. Given the history of car ownership, our family has always had at least one lemon in their possesion, but none of us paid 6000 for it. This new addition came with the hefty price tag equivalent to a two week Economy car rental and a bag of Spitz.

Cue Adam Sandler "Ode to my car" now. Just for you buddy.

You dare to challenge?

Last night a reader left me a comment after this post.

It reads:

Anonymous said...
Depending on how our summer goes, we could cut out the middle trip. Instead of jellyfish, it could be a bee sting. Or you could just pee on my leg, y'know, just cuz.

I've decided not to sign my proposal. You can deduce/guess who it is and judge by his reaction whether or not your powers of deduction are up to snuff.
- 12:30

Sounds like fun!

Let's see, witty use of English language, I had someone in mind until the "his reaction" comment. It is not Mom, Rach, Kimmy, Sue, Jan, Siobh, Stace, Krista or Rhonda.

Words like "cuz" and "snuff" used in conjunction with "deduce" and "deduction" in the same sentence tell me the man in question is bright, but does not proofread. It is not Pokey.

"Our summer" suggests either the inclusion of another family member(s) this is not Junior (sorry man, not our fault you can't...y'know...seal the deal).

The time of comment gives little on its own, but in concurrence with the facts I have presented provides a clear picture of my mystery man. It is not Gil, 12:30 is snooze time. There was also a lack of ...'s.

Eeyore wouldn't bother, Polo don't care, K-Man has the quick wit, nevertheless the fact is that 12:30 rules out my Ontarian child toting friends.

So, my wordy, bright, witty friend; who I may or may not see this summer, with your brood, who is up late on the computer (taking into consideration the time differential), who has at one time or another considered letting me pee the pain of a jellyfish or bee bite away. I welcome your challenge and conclude that 'tis none other than Den (boner), whose internet provider is Shaw cable from a location in Northern Edmonton, whose out click was the comments window from 12:25 ish to 12:30ish.

Now for a Shakespearean bitch slap:

Thou tottering spur-galled hedge-pig!

Thou tottering dread-bolted pumpion!

Oh I got a million of 'em.

10 things to do before I die

10. Urinate on a Jelly Fish sting (on someone else), tropical vacation anyone?

9. Wrestle Wheels (we usually do this in a moving vehicle on way to or from bar) and win, wait a second, what's that on your forehead?. Woooo!

8. Buy a Jetski with extra features, like integrated deep sea fishing gear. And go swordfishing.

7. Buy a Motorcycle that is impossible to tip, I'll show them!

6. Forehead slap my boss with a moist hand (moist with what??? See #10). Chromiest dome ever.

5. Stand on my desk and sing partial score to HMS Pinafore, "He remains an English Man!" and be escorted off premises by security.

4. Try to roll a smart car down a hillside by myself with no keys or hydraulics.

3. Intentionally destroy one house (bungalow preferrable) with a Humvee wearing a road hockey mask and Isotoner gloves, oh and maybe these.

2. Go on a tropical vacation with the Eeyores, Polos or Wheels'. (See # 10) Hey, somebody's going to have to save ya buddy! I swear what happens on vacation stays on vacation...PFF!

1. Create and become CEO of HappyGapper Lager. Hilarious surprises at the bottom of each bottle! Imagine the possibilities!

Let's talk sports

Edmonton is down 2-0 in their best of 7 series against the Sharks from San Jose.

Prediction: Edmonton will tie the series at 2 and the Roloson will poop his jock and stink up Rexall to lose the series in 6 games.

Carolina is up 2-0 against the New Jersey Devils.

Prediction: The devil's are about to be cast out of Lord Stanley's presence...yet again.

Ottawa is Down 2-0 against the Buffalo Sabres

Prediction: And to steal (and modify) a quote from my dear brother LP:

The smell of panic will hang in the Buffalo Sabres Locker Room like a shitbag on fire. They'll sweat, they'll cry, Ryan Miller will make farting noises, but not on purpose. He'll spend his last game sobbing in the blue ice that preceeds the red line to the cage where so many pucks passed moments before.

Yeah, Ottawa is a lock to come back.

As for the rest? Who cares? They aren't in my pool! Good luck to my opponents, you will be dealt with swiftly and unjustly. Dad! gimme a beer (loser of this pool gets to serve me my whiskey at the next family gathering). Muhaha!

I been called up!

My days of pushing paper and tapping the keyboard for peanuts is over

I got an assignment as Crewing officer for 5 months, and I'm going to push paper and tap keyboards for almonds!

Now I have the motivation I need to start Blogging from home, because these people will fire my ass for doing that from work.

Energy drinks vs. loaded coffee

Something I submitted to a humor site looking for some odd science experiments. Thanks for the invite Mariann! I know (now) the new contests are located at the bottom of the page. I may be out of my league after having leafed through the archives.

Hypothesis: will coffee with sugar or full calorie red bull create the best work environment for me without the use of alcohol. Keeping in mind I don’t drink coffee or energy drinks.

Plan of attack: I will drink one Energy drink every half hour until I reach 6 drinks on Monday, Tuesday I will do the same but with Coffee and compare the two.

What went down:

7:59 AM – begin first energy Drink

8:10 – the drinks taste far less awful than I anticipated

8:18 – Finished first drink, feelin groovy.

8:30 – Begin second drink

8:33 – Begin feeling effects of first drink: alertness, ambition and abundance of energy

8:42 – Half way through second drink. No longer able to pronounce millititers… milililiters…mitillilers…

8:50 – Two down: Woooooo!

8:52 – let’s kick it up a notch, over the lips and past the gums, look out liver here it comes! Feeling light headed and very energetic. A game of Office dodge ball ensues.

9:05 – Next one cracked open, might as well get this over with!

9:10 – Je commence a parler en Français avec mes collègues. C'est bizarre parceque aucun de mes collègues parle français.

9:11 – I’m sweating profusely but haven’t moved from my cubicle since I took out my manager with a dodge (paper) ball. Heart is racing and I’m hot and cold at the same time. Paranoia is setting in.

9:12 – What was that, I swear a cockroach just crawled into my pant legs. I stop shy of pulling my pants off.

9:13 – Half of an energy drink left and I am tossing it. I am a shaking nervous mess.

9:15 – Outlook reminds me I have meeting with the Director of Maritime Services in 15 minutes.

10:30 – 1 gallon of water consumed during meeting, still sweating. Notepad is field of incoherent garbled tosh. Director asked me several times if I needed a break. “Millilitres…Nah I’m good”. A slight glare follows.

11:03 – I have eaten my lunches and am now eyeing the forbidden snack box.

11:45 – Feeling sleepy, I am considering having a pick me up. That half can is still there.

4:00 – Not sure I accomplished anything but I’ll go home and nap for a few hours to restore myself.

Conclusion:
The labels should be read before drinking these, apparently 2 is the maximum recommended daily dose. I opted out of the coffee experiment because I don’t believe any good can come of it. Did I get wings? Not so much wings as an S.C.U.D. missile firmly nestled in my nether region propelling me to the highest of highs, and then drop me (Anola Gay like) to the earth at a speed not yet recorded by man or machine. All that is left is 3 1/2 empty cans as proof that at one time a man existed here.

You think your weekend was fun?

Let me tell you about my Saturday night (briefly).

Involved was:
An assortment of import beer, some talk of Mexicans, a stay in a cottage that rivals thoughts of my dream home, chocolate cake eaten from the center by the utensil full (they could have been using butter knives for all I know), Johnny Cash music, three trees worth of firewood (Gary is a pyro.), a set of burnt socks (what was I thinking? Sorry Jan), a bunny trail that may of may not contain one (dead by car) rabbit buried about 6 inches down soaked in beer (one for my homies) and what might have ended up as a midnight quad ride, had the neighbor stayed to visit just a little longer.

The brakes on the car weren’t done because it wasn’t that kind of weekend, but I promise it will next week; just as long as there is nothing better to do! Is there a hockey game this weekend?

Do you know how to...

I decided to take this afternoon off to spend some time doing some car maintenance and repair for my new girlfriend (second grade oooooooh, with fingers pointed in ridicule). I'm doing a brake job.

This can go one of two ways: without a hitch or as I am better known, with several complications and spare parts after the job is "done". I can almost see my Dad wincing at the thought of me jacking a motor vehicle into the air to work on something. Don't worry pop, we learned our lesson about blocking up machinery at low low cost of some loss of function to my right hand. Long story.

I've done the research and read the material requirements, and I'm feeling lucky. So for the sake of my readers, you will either read a post over the weekend entitled: "Why we were unable to drive to the cottage this weekend." or maybe: "Greetings from Sarnia General!" or: "The weekend at the cottage!" which means I actually made the repairs and got the vehicle road-worthy.

Let's see here.

Replacement brake pads... Check!
Replacement Rotors... Check!
Brake pad Grease (not for the face)... Check

Step eight: Simply push the piston back to its full open position...

Piston?

Maybe Midas will get a call yet.

Bill's quandary

He loved her like no other… their romance had developed quickly, like the rapid growth of farm swine, which grow from 2 to 4 pounds daily until they’re fully grown and put to market for slaughter… or like the rapidly growing cells that produce moose antlers until they fall off in early spring… suddenly Bill sensed the imminent doom of his romance lying in wait.

Getting to know you...

Okay so I figured I've passed enough of these things around, I'll post it here and send links instead. For your reading pleasure here are a list of...

Four Jobs I’ve Had (before the age of 22)

Oil Rig Roughneck
Long Haul Pig/Cattle Truck Driver (I f'n hate pigs)
Firefighter/First responder (volunteer)
CIBC teller (one of these things just don’t belong here…)

Four Movies I Can Watch Over and Over

Fight Club (The first rule of Fight club…)
Reservoir Dogs (Nice guy Eddie died this year)
Rounders (Because I am a poker superstar, not!)
Dogma (hard to pick only one Kevin Smith movie, but Buddy Christ tipped the scale)

Four TV Shows I Love to Watch

Sports Centre (because I'm always too busy to watch the game... or something)
TSN Friday Night Football (CFL)
Inked (Because I want to get a full body Dragon tattoo, pff)
Survivor ( I would like to live in a society that allows you to kick people off your island ,”you there! Get off my planet!”)

Four Favourite Cities

Saskatoon (Bridge City)
Halifax (Beer City)
Montreal (good memories)
Calgary (Red Mile during Stampede City)

Four Favourite Dishes

Lasagne (Like my Mommy makes)
Shellfish pasta (not for the reason you’re thinking)
Steak (Because I'm grade "A" prairie beef... stop laughing!)
Seafood (I like fish)

Four Websites I Visit Daily (or pretty close)

Savage Chickens

Riderville

Mariann Simms (Bulwer Lytton Winner 2003)

Pedersen Media

Four Places I’d Rather Be

Saskatchewan (it is the land of living skies y’know!)
Ireland (I’m part redhead shit disturber)
Edmonton (playoff time)
Woodstock

Four things I would rather gouge my eyes our than do, but do anyway

Strike (please sir, I want some more...)
Pack moving boxes
Fill out Census forms (I actually poked my eye last night as I filled this out)
clean out triple decking after unloading pigs (filthy f'n animals)

Four things I look forward to

Grey Cup 2006 in Winnipeg
Meeting my first born Child (no, I don't have any that I don't know about)
Grey Cup 2007 in Toronto
Aging gracefully (yeah gracefully and me don't mix)

So there you have it, between profile pics, comments and posts, you must know me pretty well now.

Happy Gapper talks to Telemarketer

Entertaining me is what they get paid for, so don't judge me.

HG - Hello

TM- Hello sir, I'm calling on behalf of London Free Press to offer you a free subscription for 4 weeks that will be delivered to your door daily.

HG - Hmm? wha... sorry I dozed off there. Who am I speaking with?

TM- Yes sir, my name is Tamara and I'm calling on behalf of London Free Press to offer you....

Tamara is interrupted by the phone being dropped to the hard wood floor. Gapper listens as he picks up the handset, Tamara is puzzled but patient.

HG- hello?

TM- Helllo sir

HG- Sorry I just worked a 16 hour shift I'm a little beat, my girlfriend got mad at me for doing the same thing to her, so you're not alone.

TM- Hahaha, that's okay sir, I just wanted to tell you about out promotional offer...

Gapper lets out a yawn that would intimidate a grizzly.

HG- Wooo that's better, got the blood moving now, sorry Tamara, you got me a little dozy there, I just need to get something to drink so I don't croak at you.

TM- Sir, is there a better time to call you?

HG- well I'm up now we might as well hear what you have to say right?

TM- Yes sir, but if you are occupied I could....

HG (interrupting) Nonesense, just give me a quick second.

Gapper simulates the process of looking through cupboards, drawers slamming and cans rolling. Finally Gapper settles on a beer from the fridge (this is obvious due to all the clinking and so on).

HG- Okay I'm sat down and ready to go, what are you selling?

TM- Alright, I am calling on behalf of the London Free Press to offer you a free subscription for 4 weeks that will be delivered to your door daily. All we need is your full name and address and you should receive your first copy in the next week.

HG- Wow, that is a good deal!

TM- Yes sir, so can you please spell your street name for me?

Hg- Oh I'd love to but see the thing is I can't spell, I never learned.

TM- That's okay sir, if you can pronounce it for me slowly I can figure it out.

Now the part that concerns me is that she is trying to sell someone a News paper that can't read. I become a little caught off guard because I figured she would have caught on and hung up or backed off. Busted.

So I revert to the Seinfeld escape...

HG- Listen Tamara, I'd love to hear some more, but I'm a little pressed for time, I just realized I need to pick my kid up at the neighbor's can I get your number and call you back?

TM-Well sir this is a call center and we can't receive incoming calls.

HG-Oh, what about a home number?

TM- We have to keep our home numbers confidential.

HG-Because you don't want anyone to call you and bother you at home?

Click, Tamara hangs up and likely recounts the hundreds of times she has been duped by some bored ninny like me. In my weaker moments I almost feel sorry for them. Then I remember that they are paid to entertain me.

Oilers Rule

*This just in: I have discovered a "Hetero Man Crush on Dwayne Roloson"

- Courtesy of Junior

So I live an hour from Detroit, where the population generally follows the Leafs or the Red Wings. With the Leafs out, there are a few more Wings fans strutting about. I have an Oiler Jersey. So far there hasn't been so much as an eyebrow raised in my direction, so I'm going to wear this sucker every day until the Oilers win the cup, to remind the locals that West is Best. Or at the very least get into some witty banter with some fellow mouth breathers.

Boys of summer

Ball season starts today. The Preffered Towing 2-pitch team will be re-christened Puck Around. The local sports pub (and I mean local, they are across the streeet from the ball diamonds.... Tuesdays are going to suck) sponsored us with some new shirts and hats, not to mention munchies and beer after the games... Tuesdays are going to suck.

We dropped a few players and added a few, somehow I slid through the process, I think it might be because my buddy runs the team, and I look after the beer fund. The politics in 2-pitch beer league baseball are callous. I'd like to thank...

So a new look team with the same old adage: "We don't have to win them all, but if we lose to the boys from the Jail, we're all doing pushups until we vomit." - Pollo

Or the ever popular: "Anybody who flies out, puts 5$ in the kitty... for beer". - Eeyore

Then there's: "Whatever.": - Steveo

But the most common quote among us fielders: "The lights were right in line with the ball and I lost it." - Jim(that'd be me), Wheels, Garry, J-Rod, SteveO, Bob, L.B., etc...

Things look good this year though, the weather is nicer and we a re playing double-headers all season. I like it a lot.

Check back tommorow for an update, I'll list the injuries I contract, aswell as whether we won or lost... depending on how bad. If nothing else.. I'll write about how many beer we went through... might make a better story after a long offseason (baseball, not beer drinking... never beer drinking).

300

This is my 300th post, so it's sort of a landmark.

I would like to dedicate it to my Family.

Dad,
You raised a fine young man. He is confident, successful, and smart and has learned so much from you. Yup, Den is the man. The rest of us are horse's arses... c'mon guys admit it. From the time we spent in the woods, to the visits to the local CDO's I got my love for the outdoors and technology from you. Do you think we could have spent some extra time on grooming though? I'm kind of a train wreck pop.

Mom,
We had tough times through my childhood. You might even say my red headedness got me into more trouble than my actions. I was never really that mad, but I will never forget that you used to dress me in sweater vests at age 4 to age 10. I looked like a miniature pasty Cosby kid. I mean really, I never stood a chance with the other kids! Glad I got that off my chest.

Les,
We've had our differences to be sure. And I'm sorry that we weren't closer when I was growing up. But did you find it absolutely necessary to wheel around the corner at a speed that ejected my fat ass from the rear seat of the car into the opposing ditch? I'll admit however, when I came to, the look on your face was priceless. We have since grown up, and you have become a very important role model for me. I wear my seatbelt pretty much without fail. Or I am at least promptly reminded by a loved one that knows I'm prone to injury.

Den,
I looked up to you the most through my teen years. I even tried to follow in your footsteps, though your footsteps were more of a half foot step because of your shortened Achilles tendon. Thanks to you, my calf muscles are huge. I'll never forget it, man. From chuffle shuffle to pink belly, I learned that there is a limit to what I'll take in the way of ribbing. I also apologize for any revenge I exacted... unbeknownst to you.

Jeff,
You were less of a little brother and more of a best friend and still are. And I swear dude, I'll get that 50 bucks to you like next week... promise. Living together chowing down on beer and chicken nuggets and KD oh and… milkshakes... It was the summer of George baby! And looking back I know you didn't mind sharing my bed even though you made me wear underwear while you wore pants and long sleeve shirts. Man, I don't know how you did that, it was like 100 degrees in there!

Kimmy and Rach,
My sisters from other mothers, you were both there when times were toughest. You took me in, gave me a place to stay, fed me and lent an ear wherever you could. In return I slept, ate, and babbled on. Really, no need to thank me, it's what any freeloading brother in law would have done. Wow, I really DID live with my whole family at one point or another... Hahaha I rule. (Note to Junior, if you get hitched, make sure she has a pool, or at the very least a hot tub or Jacuzzi... in the interest of keeping the streak alive!)

Caleb and Sophie,
I promise that the stories you will hear about Mon Oncle Jeremy through your lives are grossly over exaggerated. That donkey got what he had coming.

Au-Secours!

A very dear and very close person in my life is having a bit of a problem but doesn’t know it. His e-mail signature is lame, lame, lame.

For your mocking pleasure:

"Beauty without grace is the hook without the bait."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

So I have decided to use my resourcefulness to aid in his search for something NOT so lame.

“Won't you be my neighbor?”
-Mr. Rogers

“A grain of sand on it’s own is insignificant, Many grains of sand makes a beach>”
-The HappyGapper

“Come spit off a bridge with me.”
-Fallout Boy

“If I could be a bird I would be a flying purple people eater, because I could swoop down and eat people because I hate that song.”
-Jack Handy

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
-Jack Handy

Those dogs call to me day and night, thought Arf.
-Unknown

Nothing beats a good steak, unless you mean that literally, because you could physically beat it with literally anything, except another steak.
-HappyGapper

I’m turning it over here, put your favorites in, winner will at the very least go on my banner at the top with My pa’s Quote: “Shit Happens”. Maybe they will even appear as "my friends'" new signature.