Home again

First night home, I went to see t0bo Geo and Sly. The night had everything... Fights between brothers, strangers friends... Whiskey glasses thrown at bartenders, inordinate amounts of vomit in the washroom It was then that I realized... I should have worn my old sweater to the bar.

It was fun and all, but I prefer the Puck Around in Sarnia with Eeyore, Wheels and Polo... But no more of that cheap beer.

Today I'm off to do teh traditional house to house Christmas visits. Uncles and Aunts getting 1:00 AM wake up calls to open their homes and their bottle to a pile of slobbering dumassed Nephews and Nieces. As always the poor sucker that just turned 16 will be obligated to taxi us in order to earn his stripes for next year (or the year after depending on the presence of another 16 year old to relieve you DAN!).

Anyways Have a great day I'll try to get to some high speed and post more, but Ma n Pa'sw dial up make this a real chore!

My family rules

This is my cousin Tomsy beatin the 'slaw outa some poor bugger.

This is my cousin Tomsy (Left) puttin said 'slaw back to good use. (sorry dude, couldn't make you look too tough! especially when we all know better)

St. Anthony's finest

From the front page of the local newpaper.













Two RCMP officers suffered minor injuries when they lost control of their police vehicle on Wednesday and struck a wall on the west side of Curtis Memorial Hospital at St. Anthony (Newfoundland). Both officers were treated for their injuries and later released from hospital. The officers were conducting an investigation at the time of the collision. The police vehicle sustained extensive damage, but there was minimal damage to the hospital. Hospital operations were not affected. Police say road conditions were a contributing factor in the mishap.

Update: A reliable source has come forward (to my wife) and given the story of what transpired in this accident.

It would seem there was an incident at the local school where a youngster was deploying stink bombs. The RCMP were called and pursued the young man through the streets of St. Anthony and ended up losing control of their RCMP SUV and ended up in the position as captured above.

"Lord tunderin' Jaysus. We got no leads so an exhaustive search for de perptraders will continue now de once.... Just as soon as de bye's gets dere machine on 'er feet! Anyone what know de wherebouts of dem youngsters what done dis are asked to contact the RNC, 'cause dem fellers on horseback dunno dey ass from dere shoulders."

Voice of wife: "Why does everyone mock us?"

Home... again

So I am moved into my little place. It boasts a 65 degree temperature, vaulted ceilings (if you see vaulted as in a "V" shape, and a unique flooring design that allows all round objects to gather in the center of the floor for easy cleanup. Let's not poo-poo the window into my shower!

Actually it's not a bad little spot, it's a little drafty but I put some plastic on the windows and that helped a lot. The bathroom window is near the back of the tub and is usually steamed up long before I bare my bear ass. The floors are a little sunken, but only in the kitchen (which is huge), and it's hardwood, so I'm ok with it.

The yard is huge and the dogs are romping like mad. I actually trained Satan to stay in the partially fenced yard off the leash without bolting for the road. All in all: a very nice place to live.

In the next few days there are a few parties to attend, a few whiskeys to drink and a long drive to Saskatchewan. Get them lasagna's and nuts 'n bolts ready Ma!

Scarfed... And I aint talkin neckwear

A Christmas Story

'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little Jerks
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches ‘cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!

Flying through the air...dodging the trees
I’m Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I’m quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.
There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season

I used to believe

I can't remember the moment when I realized that St. Nick was not real. Yes Wheels, he doesn't exist. I do remember however wondering why the guy who travelled the world in one night, made guest appearances at local schools and pageants the weeks before Christmas. Wouldn't it have been easier to just drop the loot then? And we used to get brown paper bags filled with peanuts, and orange, some candy canes and chocolate for going up and sitting on his lap. I knew he was holding out on me.

Another thing that played on my mind was: Why is this fat bastard asking me for what I want when I sent my letter weks ago. Musta been the post office's fault. But the undeniable facts were; that he had the same hand writing as my Mom. I know that dude never made it down our chimney. The poor sonofabitch wouldn't have made it past the damper in the stove pipe. And how would he have made it past Boots without him noticing. This dog could smell an ambush. No racoon ever lived to talk about the time they got away from Boots the dog.

Truth is, I never really believed in Santa. I was far too rational of a person to buy into that stuff. So, as usual I'll wade through droves of people in the malls and pick out gifts for loved ones, and pretend that the old man does exist to those who are still mislead, and long for St. Patrick's day, when Patty the leprechaun will make his usual appearance in my bedroom, perched on my dresser where he rigales me with tales of his home under the earth's crust and instructs me to burn stuff.

Picture worth 1000

This was forwarded to me by S.O.L.; Mommy of the "Lovely lady Lumps" Choir Master and soloist (Ellie Mae).

Nogt funny

Egg Nog + Rum = YUK

Had a xmas ham last night (which was awesome) followed by some cookies (which were awesome) then followed by a little Rummy-Nog... (not awesome). I did however manage to eat too much and feel slightly uncofortable in my sweat pants for the next few hours. I love the holidays.

I have also eaten the traditional meat pies and an array of nuts and snacks that are left on the coffee table all day long.

Moving time is coming soon, so if you plan to be near or around Sarnia in the near future, drop me a line and I'll put you to work!! Actually the move is going to be quite simple, since there will be a lot less stuff.

Hopefully I'll be stable and settled enough to drive by the 21st and make my way to the great plains of Saskatchewan for more meat pie and ham. But NO MORE NOG!!

There's a storm a brewin

Well, by the looks of me Radar, there's gonna be some shovelin to do this evening, which is fine by me. It covers up the dog poop.

Christmas decor

Yup... hic... putting up decorations is a real bitch....hic @#$% 10 bucks... get outa here.

Happy Turkey day neigborinoes

Greatest Thanksgiving moment in television. Send in yours!

Johnny Fever: (intro from music) All right, fellow babies, and now it's time to go to our live man-on-the-scene at the Pinedale Shopping Mall for the big WKRP Turkey Giveaway. So take it away, Les Nessman!

(cut to outside shot at Pinedale Shopping Mall)

Les: This is Les Nessman, your man-on-the-scene at the Pinedale Shopping Mall, where the excitement is mounting. We're here to witness the big WKRP Turkey Giveaway...

Shopowner: Hey...hey you got permission to be out here?

Les: What?

Shopowner: You're blocking my store here, buddy.

Les: Don't you know who I am?

Shopowner: Eh?

Les: I'm Les Nessman. I won the Buckeye Newshawk Award last year.

Shopowner: Good for you, Buckeye. Now get outta my doorway.

Les: I'm sorry. (moves away)

Shopowner: (going back inside) Freak.

(cut back to station, in the booth)
Andy: So far so good, huh?

Les: (broadcasting) I'm here with hundreds of people who have gathered to witness what has been described as perhaps the greatest turkey event in Thanksgiving Day history. All we know for sure is that in a very few moments, there are going to be a lot of happy people out here.(cuts back to live Les outside)

Les: Now the crowd is...the crowd is...(reacting to people staring at him and brushing by) the crowd is curious, but well-behaved. Oh! I think I hear something now. Uh, the crowd is moving out into the parking area, and...oh yes, I can see it now. It's a...it's a helicopter, and it's coming this way.

(cut back to Andy in the booth)
Andy: A helicopter?

(cut back to Les, on scene)
It's flying something behind it...I can't quite make it out. It's a large banner and it says, uh - Happy... Thaaaaanksss... giving! ... From... W.... ... K... ... R... ... P!! (as Les spells the station call letters, cut back to booth, with everyone making hand gestures as if pulling the letters out of Les; then, back to Les, on-scene)

Les: What a sight, ladies and gentlemen, what a sight! The copter seems to be circling the parking lot now, perhaps looking for a place to land...no, something just came out of the back of the helicopter! it's a...a dark object, uh...perhaps a skydiver, plummeting to the earth from only 2000 feet in the air...and a second, and a third! ...No parachutes yet. Those can't be skydivers... I can't tell just yet what they are, but--Oh my God, they're turkeys!!! Oh, no, Johnny, can you get this? Oh, they're crashing to the earth right in front of our eyes! One just went through the windshield of a parked car! Oh, this is terrible. (cut back to Les on-scene) The mob is running around pushing each other...oh my goodness. Oh, the humanity! People are running about...the turkeys are hitting the ground like sacks of wet cement! Folks...I don't know how much longer they're...the crowd is running for their lives. I think I'm going to step inside...I can't stay out here and watch this any longer...(stops short of going into the shopkeeper's store)...no, I can't go in there. (cut back to booth) Children are searching for their mothers, and...oh, not since the Hindenberg tragedy has there been anything like this! I don't know how much longer I can hold my position here, Johnny. The crowd...

Johnny: Les? Les? Les, are you there? (pause) Les isn't there. (composing himself) Thanks for that on-the-spot report, Les. And for those of you who just tuned in, the Pinedale Shopping Mall has just been bombed with live turkeys. Film at eleven.

(Epilogue)

Venus: Les! Are you okay?

Les: (with a vacant, haunted look) I don't know. A man and his two children tried to kill me. After the turkeys hit the pavement, the crowd kind of scattered, but some of them tried to attack me! I had to jam myself into a phone booth! Then Mr. Carlson had the helicopter land in the middle of the parking lot. I guess he thought he could save the day by turning the rest of the turkeys loose...it gets pretty strange after that.

Andy: Aw, Les, c'mon now, tell us the rest.

Les: I really don't know how to describe it. It was...like the turkeys mounted a counterattack! It was almost as if they were ...organized!!

(Mr. Carlson enters with Herb, both bedraggled and covered in turkey feathers)

Mr. Carlson: As God as my witness, I thought turkeys could fly.

Winter Funnies

Post Montreal thoughts

Back from Montreal (actaully for 2 days now) and things are OK. I've played hockey twice, last night I played on Eeyore's mens league team and we won 8 - 3. Felt good to get into real game situations with refs and defencemen and all.

Had a great visit in Montreal, but realized that I would never live there. Too big a pond for a fish like me. The Habs played terrible and lost, but the beer was good. Flights were ok, but only cause they were short trips. The hospitality in Montreal was amazing. My sis in law could stir fry cat poop and make it taste like filet mignon, an amazing chef. The people there didn't make fun of my western rough accent and actually told me that I spoke very well! Not surprising seeing as how I am the man!

Definitely doing it again, maybe in the spring when it's not so friggin cold or windy. Walking 8 hours including climbing Mount-Royal would be much more enjoyable with feeling in my ears.

Sam, the world's uglies dog dead.

Yes.... It IS a dog. And yes, he was put out of his misery (and ours) Friday for a bum ticker. I suppose it could have been worse, I would've set a trap for this lil frigger. Then, I would have likely stomped it into the carpet.

On a simmilar note I saw a dog this weekend that was labelled "The Pet Semetary Dog" by Brother Bone. Kind of a walking dead look going on. Her name is Princess, a 110 year old chihuahua, she doesn't look a day over 250.

In the Montreal Calice!

Got in (finally) last night. Pokey's place is sweet, but I have been wondering where oh where has all his stuff gone???

You need to know that Pokey once lived two years in Regina and never unpacked. So I wonder when he became so domesticated... or where he stowed all them boxes??? More later!

Fun with ELMO!!

The scene opens with The Count noticing a series of clay pots on the stoop to that building where everyone lives along Sesamee Street... Elmo is hiding in the park behind The Count. He doesn't notice him lurking.

"Hello Boys and Girrrrls, would you like to count with me?
OK, ready? 1;1 clay pot on the stoop,
2; 2 clay pots on the stoop
3; 3 clay pots on the stoop.

Elmo energes from his spot and says, "now try this..."
He opens fire obliterating all of the pots on the stoop.

Count sobs and sorrowfully admits...."I never learned to subtract..."

The usual loud lightning after his completion is muted, and a slow rolling thunder is heard as it begins to rain on the now broken and sobbing Count. Sesamee Street, it would seem, is not immune to gun violence.

Fun with Yoga!

From an instructional Yoga guide. Click the pic and read carefully.



I watched my God-daughter perform some cute gymnastics tricks the other night and it spurred some desire to take on yoga. Then I realized I've kinda been doing it for years.

Hey there sexy!

With all the negatives in my life, I can always look at this picture and thank god that: 1. I don't look like Condoleeza Rice (unatractive man and ugly woman), and 2. I don't work for G.W.

I am a fortunate person.

Most exciting man in Pro Football

It’s the time of the year for mid-season replacement shows on all the networks. Coming this week to UPN, from the makers of the Chris Rock bio-hit Everybody Hates Chris, It's Everybody Hates Terrell, chronicling the early years in the life of Terrell Owens. We obtained an advance script:

Scene 1: Hospital Delivery Room:

Doctor: "I see the head! Here it comes! Mrs. Owens you have a beautiful baby boy!"

Baby Terrell: "Damn right I’m beautiful! Did you guys see that move? I juked and jived so bad, that birth canal had no chance to slow me down! Now watch me shake off this placenta!"
(Baby Terrell straight-arms the nurse, leaps to the floor, moonwalks across the room, and back flips into his mothers arms)

Nurse: "Did that…really…just…happen?"

Baby Terrell: "Damn right it happened! You can’t cover T.O lady! Nobody stops Baby T.O!"

Doctor: "But…I thought babies only talked in really bad John Travolta movies?"

Baby Terrell: "Ain’t never been a baby like Baby T.O! So who wants Baby T.O’s first autograph?"

Doctor: "Hey…where did you pull that sharpie out of…Oh Dear God!"

Scene 2: Kindergarten Playground

Teacher: "Timmy, why are you crying?

Timmy (sniffling): "We were playing Duck, Duck, Goose and Terrell told me he was going to make me his bitch!"

Teacher: "Terrell, you get over here! I’ve told you a thousand times, don’t trash-talk the other children!"

Young Terrell: "Hold on teach, it’s my turn. Watch this! Duck…Duck…Duck…Duck…Goose! Just try to catch me sucka! No one catches T.O! See! I win again!"

(Young Terrell proceeds to do his latest Duck Duck Goose victory celebration dance, pulling a pretend rifle from his back and shooting a pretend goose from the sky.)

Teacher: "That’s enough Terrell! No more recess for you this week!"

Young Terrell: "That’s it! I want out! I want to be transferred to a new school! And I want them to cover my milk money!"

Teacher: "Terrell, you are five years old! You aren’t going anywhere except the principal’s office…NOW!

Scene 3: Principal’s Office

Principal: "Umm…Terrell…Who is the kid sitting next to you?"

Young Terrell: "That’s Drew from Grade 3. He can write! He’s my new agent!"

Drew: "Mr. Principal, I have complied a list of demands including new crayons weekly, unlimited Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups at snack time, and exclusive access to the big slide in the playground at lunch and after school."

Principal: "GET OUT!

(Drew runs from the room, screaming something about filing a grievance)

Principal: "Look Terrell. You apologize right now. Or you are suspended."

Young Terrell (sighs): "All right."

(He pulls a crumpled paper from his pocket)

Young Terrell: "I guess T.O is kinda sorry for…"

Principal: "Are you…reading a prepared statement?!?"

Young Terrell: "Hey…I AM! I can read! Another score for T.O! He’s done it again!"

(Young Terrell jumps on the principal’s desk and does his new "I can read" celebration dance: he flips through the pages of an imaginary book, mouthing the words to an imaginary audience, then bows, spikes the pretend book to the floor, and flexes.)

The Principal puts his head on the desk and sobs. Credits roll.

Next week: Young Terrell hold his first news conference after dominating a game of Red Rover. He promises to recreate the scene in a Right Guard commercial some day.

This was taken fromTSN's James Duthie

Long weekend

Neglectful bastard, I know. Forgive my absence.

Another long weekend. Not sure how I'll spend Friday and Saturday, but if Wheels thinks I'm going bowling Sunday at 3 where there is no television he is wrong wrong wrong.

Because:

My team is in Montreal beating up on the frenchmen at the big O for the Eastern semi final. I was hoping the game would be at 7 or 8, but good ol' CFL has screwed me again!

I have 2 more short weeks coming up because I am spoending a 4 day weekend in Montreal for a weekend of hockey, pink bellies and the occasional beverage (if by occasional you mean often and plenty). I am also available to pass along any twaps, smacks or shoulder punches to hockey pool leaders from other participants that may not be able to attend. (Pa, JR?)

Have a good weekend folks! I'll try to keep on top of this thing.

What the Smurf?

Here it is, the haloween costumes that won us nothing and stripped us of what little pride we had left!

Kill em all and let god sort em out

At the CNN web-site there is a poll on how Paris should react to the riots. Guess which one the yankees suggest?

How should French officials handle the continuing violence in Paris suburbs?

Impose curfew
Deploy troops
Withdraw police

U.S.A! U.S.A! U.S.A!

I'll be darned

Try this out,

Go to Google, serch the word "Failure" and click "I'm feeling Lucky".

True definition.

Haloween fun!

It's a Wookie man!, You know; Chewbaca!

Okay, here is the first of a new series I'm going to call Haloween fun. I will cover such things as recipes, costumes and liquor all to the Haloween theme.

Now Chewy may be a bit overboard, but I think we can make it out of a few simple items.

Items list:
52 Brown wigs from the dollar store,
stapler and a box of staples,
Old, long sleeved shirt (pink floyd shirts should be preserved and saved),
old sweats or tights,
your kid or wife's belt with bling bling all over it,
a full face toque and some scisors for trimming.
Wife or kids' mousse or gel, or some kinda goopy stuff to keep the hair outa yer beer!

Directions... staple the hair to the clothing and toque until covered, trim around the eyes and mouth then firm it up with mousse to keep it there. You may want to spray something over the rest of the costume to keep it from getting all static-y. Pull on the belt (over a shoulder) and you're a wookie, man!

ALTERNATIVE:
put on some of them disposable cover-alls and roll around in some syrup or something sticky, run into a hair cutting place and find the dumpster... you get the idea!

Up next mummy sausages and curdled chunk shooters!

Smiling Hank

(Picture removed to make me feel like a big man)Henry Burris, former Saskatchewan Roughriders pivot.

Why did he leave Saskatchewan? Well it would seem that some of Saskatchewans' fans border on fanatical, and after one of their players (Paul McCallum) missed a field goal attempt to cause the loss of the Western Final last year, some mouth breathers went to his home and dumped manure on his front lawn and threatened his family. These people are all either in jail or have been fined. But in the mean time the players (especially play makers like QBs) don't want to run the risk of their families or homes being attacked because of a missed play. Can you blame them?

I love Roughrider football, actually the CFL altogehter. My best time of the weekend is 1 hour before game time when I settle in forthe game with my #33 Szarka jersey on and my football in hand. I watch every minute and break only for bathroom or beer duties.

This weekend is a very important game and I will be in my regular spot on the couch Sunday and my heart will be with the 27000 at Taylor Field. In this neck of the woods, a CFL fan is rare. In this neck of the woods, a CFL superfan is more rare. That's why the West is home to me, and the fans are better than anywhere in Canada. Not because fans take it personally when their team fails. Go Riders!

There's a mug you don't wanna chug

Guess who this person is at Taylor Field! Can you guess?

Fall nostalgia

This was a post on my other blog, but there are a bunch of changes/refinements. Please read!

Mom and Dad picking potatoes for hours on fall weekends with the help of Uncle Mike, Grandpa, Grandma, And the four of us stooges. Little red truck that we all learned to drive in. The pile of brush left after the harvest that we would burn in the middle of the gargantuan garden.

With the fall weather I get all nostalgic. I remember with acuracy, the Saturdays spent in the woods with Dad and sometimes Mom lugging the winter supply of firewood back to the farm. I remember Dad lighting our noon-time campfires with only some flint and a wad of cotton. I remember coming home to take a bath and get ready for Saturday night mass, but only after the traditional Liz speacial Pizza. After church was Hockey Night in Canada, with our classic popcorn and chips. Dad's bowl was the biggest and was deep green in color, Bone's was the red one with handles so he could push his face up out of the bowl after he had passed out in it. It seems popcorn was some sort of sedative to him. One or two mouthfuls and poof. He was done.

If the game wasn't interesting enough, then a few hours looking through the Sears Christmas Wish catalogue would provide adequate entertainment.Sunday morning (if not church time)was the big breakfast and usually an afternoon football game featuring the beloved (by some) Winnipeg Blue Bombers.

Chicken coops and endless space. These are my fondest of memories.Creting a lab to develop potions in the old chick coop, where we put the new yellow chicks. Building forts and treehouses. Playing football or field hockey in the vastness that was our own backyard. A pasture with Blinkey, Peter and Paul, and for a shorter period Gypsy the horse that hated humans.

I can still picture the ditch across from the house that was used as a launch for our bicycles as we came hurdling down the road. The slough just beyond that where I used to hide my most valued treasures inside a hollowed out log near a low spot that never seemed to dry. The moisture ensured that only I would venture into the muck to retrieve my cache.

The hills near the dugout that housed and amazing amount of gophers and served as a ski hill later in the year. The old outhouse right beside the "Gulf" fuel tank where I would go in emergencies to avoid being nabbed by mother because it was "time to come in". I can see the large pasture behind the barn where me and the mechanically inclined would try to play mechanic by stripping the poor old orange harvester to bits.

I remember the old Wood fireplace on the brick corner of the floor. The dining room with the upright piano. The kitchen with the ugly Green and beige flooring tiles arranged in alternating squares. The Co-op green porch with the laundry facilities and basement stairwell. I remember a window over the washer that peered into the kitchen. I remember the veranda that was too hot in summer and too cold in winter and the old freezer full of fire wood.

The old creaky cot that was kept in there and the access to the patio where Dad had his weight bench and Barbeque in the summer. The crawlspace underneath where Pokey found our orange cat frozen stiff.

There are so many things that remind me of home, lucky for me, Fall happens every year and the memories of our youth grow fonder every one.

I hope this kind of rejuvinates some good memories in you all.

I hope some day that I can make these same kinds of memories for my own brood. But I can't imagine for the moment how any place or time on earth would ever compare to that.

Speakin Of Junior...

WANTED

(left to right) "Whiskey Jug Junior"," Killer threads Kelly", "Chick magnet Chad", "Beer Keg Kernie", "TeeTeeCoM Jonassen" and "ol' Yeller"

These men are wanted in a series of mooning incidents along the Trans-Canada highway Northbound. They can be distinguished by the fact that there are 6 of them crammed into a single cab pickup with a string of empty beer cans dragging from the back that lengthens with each mile. Most have no shirts so must be considered as dangerous since they have nothing to lose. It is likely that they will sacrifice Ol' Yeller for their goal.

Their goal as far as we know it is to arrive in Edmonton to support the Roughriders and possibly the local nightlife.

There is no reward for their capture since they will likely be put in "Commonwealth Jail" where authorities will be able to deal with them accordingly.

Look out here comes JR!

My (lucky) little brother is heading to Edmonton to watch a weekend full of sports. Most importantly the Roughriders and Eskimos. This is a significant game and a must win for both teams. The playoffs are happening early this year and Im all choked up!

Omarr Morgan is back in the lineup and Ricky Ray has no cranial damage.... yet. Just ask Dave Dickenson what the odds say in favor of a injury to the starting QB. So far ol Dave is 2 for 2 against my Riders.

So hold your hats and wait for Saturday afternoon people, we are going to the City of Champions and we're taking our 2 points home.


AMEN...

E-Bay shopping fun!

I was browsing the WWW and came across this ad for goalie equipment.

HEATON PRO 60Z GOALIE VEST IN MEN'S MEDIUM. VEST IS A PRO VEST AND OFFERS BETTER PROTECTION THAN CHEAPER VESTS. SLAP SHOTS JUST BOUNCE OFF THE VEST WITHOUT BEING FELT. LOW REBOUND PADDING HELPS CONTROL SHOT. IT IS FULLY ADJUSTABLE IN ARM LENGTH AND ALSO OFFERS EXCELLENT ELBOW PROTECTION. IT IS IN GOOD SHAPE AND HAS MANY GAMES LEFT IN IT.

Now, to pick apart this ad and make fun of the frankenstein looking meat-head inside it.

"MEN'S MEDIUM"... I would guess that maybe this was an item from Frankendudes' childhood but then...

"SLAP SHOTS JUST BOUNCE OFF WITHOUT BEING FELT"... Now, does anyone here think maybe the "BOUNCE" has less to do with protection and more to do with 1. the puck being afraid of him, or 2. the blue surface surrounding the vest filled with some sort of biologigal protection of its own.

"LOW REBOUND PADDING HELPS CONTROL SHOT"... Anyone want to hazard a guess as to the contributing FAcTor in the shock absorption?

"ADJUSTABLE IN ARM LENGTH AND ALSO OFFERS EXCELLENT ELBOW PROTECTION" well at least there's protection for his arms... between his upper elbow and upper forearm.

And though it has "MANY GAMES LEFT IN IT" it may also come with the big fella "LEFT IN IT" since he may not be able to take it off.

To his credit, he likely is a very succesful goal tender... I mean... would you fire a puck at this monster on purpose??

R.I.P.

Mickey 200? to 2005

It is with great sadness that we say farewell to Mickey's younger cousin, mickey. He was found lying peacefully this morning near the trash bag under the sink where he loved to chew and poop. He leaves in mourning his other cousing Jerry who lives on in the area also chewing and pooping under the sink. Funeral services were held this morning in the Sherwood Village Waste Management dumpster. The services were preformed by reverend J.C. Perreaux. Donations can be made on Mickeys' behalf to the Cheese addiction foundation of Sarnia.

Love your mommy... or else

I pitty the fool who don't Love His Momma!

Sorry, I coudn't resist. This is safe for at work viewing. Just watch the volume or you may end up with Vanilla Ice fans swarming your cubicle!

Puck Head

Had to post this because, damnit... it's funny!

GAME ON

Hockey is back and I for one have stood my ground and refuse to give in to the hype. I will not give the players the satisfaction of idolizing them or watching their games. I will not give in to the clever marketing campaigns by soft drink companies, Beer advetisements or Mars bar commercials. I mean what respect do these guys deserve after taking our beloved game from us for a year? It's obscene to think that anything will change if we simply forget about what they did to us last year.

They are placing their hopes on a few rule changes and a couble of young kids to re-energize the league, I mean give me a break, are we that feeble minded that we won't see through it?

It was purely by coincidence that Wednesday I went to a local pub drank Molson products gnawing on a Mars Bar while watching the leafs lose in an exciting, climactic shootout that broke the tie that was caused by last minute desperation penalties for obstruction. I barely noticed the crowd yelling and #88 Eric Lindros missing on a nifty snap shot over Hasek's glove hand. And if you asked me who lined up for the shootout, I'd barely be able to tell you it was:

1.Alfredson (Score)
2.Allison(Missed)
3.Havlat(Missed)
4.Lindros(Missed)
5.Heatley(Score)

Or that Sydney Crosby was seen as some sort of disapointment because he only got One assist on their only goal, while Ovechkin netted 2 for Washington.

So tonight I'll sit on my couch and fondle my Edmonton Oilers jersey and dream of a day when Hockey may again someday mean something to me.

Sorry, I need to cut this short, need to make some roster changes in my Hockey pool. Elias has Hepatitis and Micheal Ryder is still available, and he looked good last night against the Rangers... Not that I'd know.

Misfortunes of Eeyore take ???

More fun with the donkey!!!

S.O.L. wrote:

Well – let me tell you about my night. (Eeyore) finally poured himself into bed around midnight. Everything was good until BANG! I sit up, it is 1am, (He) is sitting on the floor stunned. At first I was relieved it wasn’t (Ellie-mae), then I was pissed. He sat there on the floor in all his drunken naked gracefulness for a few minutes in a daze until I finally convinced him to get up and turn on the light. Blood everywhere. I sent him to the bathroom to check it out, 10 minutes later he finally came out and headed back for bed. I said, (Eeyore) please turn the light on so I can see. He says he is fine. So I get up and turn the light on and his eye is split open. Off to the hospital we go, sleeping 2 year old in arms. Several stitches and a tetanus shot later he still is unclear about what happened. All he remembers is going to bed and then his next memory is looking in the bathroom mirror at his eye wondering how he is going to hide it from me. In reality , his drunk ass fell out of bed and he smacked his face on the cradle. He really is a Treasure…

And I saw him yesterday, that's a boney gash old man! Complete with black eye! S.O.L. doesn't give herself enough credit, she hit him way harder than a fall on a crib ever could!!

This weeks' Hero

Hey, I'd like you all to mee Elijah, you may better recognize him with a football in his hand standing in the B.C. enzone after catching (yet another) Marcus Crandell passes all game long (except that one) to lead the Saskatchewan Roughriders to another victory over a League leading football club.

I watched the game at Wheels' house and barely managed to contain my excitement (while the children slept upstairs) each time we came up with a big play. I did however dance a lot and high five Wheels.

What a game!

It was an all around great relaxing weekend and I played my first hockey game of the season. Not bad, but I am rusty.

Next weekend, Football game early Saturday (got that Wheels?). Planning to have some people over and Monday we feast on turkey and Newfy cooked Dinner... I love fall.

And for after work, I plan on going for a run with my dog and making him too tired to piss me off this evening. Or at least make me too tired to care. Ta!

And I was shocked

I am watching the Eskimo's lose to the Ti-Cats at Eeyore's. Damn, looks like the Rider's will be tied for #2 tommorow night... Believe people, we are almost there...


Amen...

Over the Top

That's my boy Chris Szarka flying over those West coast Kitties.

Big game for my Riders tommorow night, win or lose we have played some serious ball in the past month. So gather up Saturday at 10 PM EST, to watch the Green and White, clip the Columbian kitties. I sound like Jay Onrait from TSN. Sunday is my first game of the year (Hockey) hopefully I'll be back monday with my groin still intact to brag about our big win.

AMEN!

Game on

The challenge is on. The Gapper family men are entering a battle of Hockey knowledge.

We are entering a pool the 5 of us. We each get 10 players. And count points through the season.

The Last place guy supplies a 2 litre jug of whiskey,
4th place supplies 24 beer
3rd supplies a small bottle of tequila (or other shoot-able beverage (get it? Shootable??))
2nd supplies salty snacks
1st gets to laugh at Boner, Pokey Jr and Streak as he consumes it all (with their help) for free!

I expect there to be an abundance of smack talk, so I will include only the finest exchanges on my site... Such as:

Jr wrote:

not in this to cheat
im in this to take ur booze
the real honest way

that's haiku biotch

To which Pokey replied:

Jeff writes poetry
And in his earthly casket
Emerson cries out.

Should be a war of wits, at least until Jr rips off a few good Farrely Brothers' movies and shocks us all again!

Sumo over

Well, that was the funnest office games thing I have ever seen.

Superintendants beating on Admin staff, 4ft tall men being "handled" by 6ft women. Flip slams, body slams, 69 slams (imagine). I got to be the 4th guy in a suit and was so lucky to get to marinade in the gravy left behind by previous competitors. People placed bets and money went to charity. Great fun!

It's Go time

SUMO log:
9:05 Tension mounts as Jim discovers opponent swap... Will be facing the deadly Eeyore... Was supposed to match up with Wife... Prospects for victory fading... Jim remains optimistic...

9:06 Jim discovers Eeyore has had big breakfast... Advantage Eyore...

9:20 Jim helps Diaper Dave (another combatant) unload suits... Jim concern shifts swiftly to lack of sanitation... Imagines hockey equipment Streak wore in 70's and left soaked in sweat for 20 years in hot attic... Slight gag...

9:31 Jim writes blog in hopes that if this is last message, family will carry out request for Bellegarde Funeral and ham sandwiches (made by the loaf with only margarine and white bread) at hall for after "party". Always liked those.

Results to be posted later today... If I make it...

Funny picture, presidents pee too!

Nothing says funny like a president asking permission to go to the can!

















U.S. President George W. Bush writes a note to Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice during a Security Council meeting at the 2005 World Summit and 60th General Assembly of the United Nations in New York September 14, 2005. World leaders are exploring ways to revitalize the United Nations at a summit on Wednesday but their blueprint falls short of Secretary-General Kofi Annan's vision of freedom from want, persecution and war. REUTERS/Rick Wilking

Chillin"

Hey all, writing live from "wheels's'" place, Kids are asleep, Wheels and me are drinkin a Canadian and watchin NFL. By the way Roughriders totally dominated and took it to the Argo's. As for the Bills, well lets just say Eeyore had his way with Polo at the supper table.

Next up... The globalisation of the Canadian economy and the toxic sludge taking over New Orleans, or the sale thereof to the Canadian people as a natural resource.

This message was approved by the Wheels foundation and may not be reproduced... Bah, my finger's broke, type more later.

What the Hell??

I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it for myself.

My final drafts for Bulwer Lytton

Here are two Entries I am sending into the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest: Give me your thoughts.

#1 - Captain Jack was helplessly pinned to the back of his pilot seat spiraling downward, like the tusk of a narwhal, or, like the flight path of an aircraft that had lost its wing while flying too close to the control tower in an attempt to haze the rookie controller with a "fly-by"… unfortunately an inadequate circle check was to blame for his predicament.

#2 - With the shade drawn Bruce reflected to when the sun was welcome, and the purpose of freon was to cool meat and perishables… jingling of keys at the door quickly redirected his focus… he hurriedly returned to the bathroom window and climbed out… the air conditioner he had uninstalled would not submit to the forceful pulling and would be left behind… he leaned inside and stole all the buttons and dials from the unit and forcefully removed the cord and walked away from the mortuary, satisfied that his former co-workers would be slightly uncomfortable; if not for the heat, then for the stench that rose from it.

IF anyone else would like to share some warped prose here, please indulge me!

Meet my cousin

Hey everyone, I have been waiting for the headshots to appear on his team site.
Remember Uncle D?

Well, this is his Baby boy!

Kinda like lookin into the eye of a serial killer, just what you don't want to look up at when crossing center with your head down. Really though he's a pussy cat. 6 foot 200 pound pussy cat.

Rumours or fact?

I just heard that gas prices in Ontario have reached $1.79 CAD FOR A LITRE! I am going to get in line after work to fuel up. Honey, if you read this, aparently I will be in a line up until work tommorow. This would be a good time to conjur up some spam/Balogna/cheap anything caserole for the next few weeks, while the yankees raise our price to met the supply shortage we'll have after the next 5 or six storms (which have been happening since Eden) brush by.

Sumo Wrestling, Rider Pride and Birthdays

Broad topic huh?

I have been signed up by S.O.L. to do a charity thing next week where we dress in inflatable sumo costumes and battle it out with co-workers. It seems I am slated as some sort of a clown or something. I will not be beaten.

My boys won a big game Sundey evening to keep them in the hunt for a home playoff game for the fist time since 1988, keep your fingers crossed people, the season end is always exiting unless you're a Bomber fan...

My wife's birthday is coming soon (yes I know the exact date) thinking of a trip to London on Saturday for some Vietnamese and a Movie, and oh so many innocent misunderstandings... (I'm gonna try cop a feel! Jokes).

Nice quiet week, Baseball over, hockey not started yet, and mating patterns are dormant til spring. Good thing there's football!

Lost the league...

But won the night!

This is the story of what happens when a team that holds 3rd in their softball league loses 7 consecutive games in the playoffs.

I knew Saturday would be an interesting one when the first beer was cracked at 9:00 AM. We were playing our first game of the day against the team that seems to win every year. The usual team has 10 players, we were counting on 9 showing up (not bad)... 7 made an appearance. You need a minimum of 8 to play, so we could have lost by default, but the kids were good enough to lend us a catcher and play on anyways.

We were leading after 4 innings, but then the youngsters woke up and got to batting. We lost, but not as badly as we should have. Our next game was at 11:00 so we set up camp near the pavillion and started into the free beer the beer fund had bought us.

11:00 we make our way to the diamond to meed the hated "Jail" team. This team possesses one of the most obnoxious cigar smoking old men you would ever meet, and since we only had seven players he decided they would take the win, even though it didn't matter to them in the playoffs since they were already out. Gutless. This got Polo, Bish and a few others really pissed, and the verbal chatter started. My favorite was: "Hope you choke on your cigar you old @#$% sucker!"

We packed up our things and headed back to "Camp" and started back into the beer. Around 3:30 it was time to stumble home for a shower and get ready for the banquet that follows the tournament each year where the usual things happen. The trophy is awarded; Each team names an MVP; Eeyore slow dances with Cookie; Wheels eats 13 cabbage rolls (with mashed potatoes, roast beef, bread and salad) and Jim cuts a rug with anyone and everyone.

But first, the shower. I was finished showering and my wife was going to drop me at Steve-o's where some of the team was going to gather, she was supposed to work, so she woudn't be attending, except that, 10 gallons of scalding hot water shot straight from a hole in the wall where the "H" labelled faucet used to be, until Jim slipped and took it down. Jim's back served as a bit of a shield however, but didn't stop the water from covering the bathroom floor. Naked as a newborn Jim streaked down the stairs into the basement where he tried frantically to find the hot water shutoff. Succeeding only to find the water main, Jim had it under control.

Jim joggeed his soggy naked ass back upstairs to where Wife was on all fours soaking up the pool into every towell we owned. Wife was not going to work tonight.

The damage was more severe than Jim knew to fix, so he called landlord for advice, not mentionning that Jims naked drunk self was the cause of the broken fixture. "Get a plumber and send me the bill." I love my new landlord.

Plumber comes right over and after 20 minutes has a temporary fix. Wife drives me to buddy's house where we all gather have one quick one and head out. Wife will join us later after she is ready (has to have a shower).

We get to banquet and have supper and usual visiting. the dance starts and Wife arrives, ready to have some fun now. We dance we drink, having a great time. The party winds down and as usual, we decide to go to overtime. Off to the bar we go. A quick drink and that's it, Jim is done. I wobble outside and make my way to the truck back at the hall to wait for Wife to drive us home. I fall asleep in the back of the truck.

Next vivid memory; it's 4:00 AM and we're moving. Later find out that Vicki was unable to drive (I never noticed she was drunk, that's how bad I was), and actually took a cab home with Wheels and his wife (yet to be niknamed), thinking I went home. The house was locked and guess who had the keys? That's right the fat mess in the back of the X-Terra. Wheels scales the wall to the second storey and makes it through a window. Jim obviously not here, so Vicki calls Eeyore to see if maybe I was there and let them know she was going to see if maybe I was at the truck.

S.O.L. graciously offers to drive Vicki instead of make her cab it and sure enough there I am sound asleep. We all go home and sleep until late morning.

All said, it was a magical evening... I even managed to disapear! Waka waka!

Can't wait til Haloween party!

Pondering Retirement

How long will I be a slave to "The Man" before I get to retire? Can I accelerate it? I'm almost 30 now and I am waiting to retire; golf, grandkids, and world travel... Yup the retired life is for me.

Years of service = 3 years,

Required Years of service for pension = minimum 30 if 55 years or older

So, I started at 25, I will be 55 when I have my full pension (if I manage to continue to work during winter layoffs).

Ugh, long way to go yet isn't it? I guess the best way to gauge one's success in life isn't to see who can cross the "Gold Watch" line first, but to look back once you near the line and see if anything you did while earning your living was worth the time you put in. Family, friends and fun are the most important things to me. But I am still at a very simple version of each.

My family consists of my Wife, Parents, Brothers, Uncles, Aunts, cousins, nephews, Nieces, GodDaughters and Sons (in laws included). Pretty simple stuff. Friends consist of local buddies, their wives, families and all my cronies from youth who I still keep in touch with. Fun is playing baseball games, eating wings at the bar with family and friends, and social events with them all. Still a very simple map.

My father told me recently that he will likely retire soon. I think of his life. Family Friends and fun. Mom and Dad's is much like mine, exept they get into Grandchildren, Nephews, Nieces, Cousins, all numbered exponentially larger than mine. Friends are from far stretches of the world because of work, travels and aquaintances made otherwise. Fun is having the kids and grandkids home, visiting theim, golf, Sports Saturdays and the Bulwer Lytton contest each year, pickling, canning and garden harvest have grown in my father's interest while Mom looks forward to it less and less. She prefers flower beds and as of late; work, only because "they" make her, right mom?

I think of the other things my mother and father used to do like Baseball weekends, Hockey, Coaching, Tennis, Marathon Running, Child Raising, Farming, Mining, Psyche nursing, nursing, Potato hauling, phone pole climbing, and world travelling... I have an awful lot to do before I earn the right to think of retiring.

For now I'm content to wake up mornings (sometimes with a bit of a hangover from Monday night Ball), drag my butt to work and put in my 8, keeping in mind that there is a lot of good stuff to look forward to before I get to call it a career.

Then I'll sit back and enjoy all of the things I did outside and inside of work that made my life worth taking my retirement to enjoy, like kids, grandkids, my wife, friends family and fun.

Looking back on my mere 3 years of service would only take a few minutes, Ma N Pa are going to need the time off to absorb theirs.

Onwards and Upwards

I have made a few modifications to my site to help my readers keep on top of my drivel. A few srolls down and you'll see a subscription service I added to help you stay on top of things. it just sends you a notice when I update, or add a post. I'm sure you were all dying to find out what happened to J-RAG's poop bet, and you'd want to be first to know and all! Hopefully JRAG can answer us, but I assume he won the bet, he's kinda retentive anyways.

Son now by publishing this I should get an alert in my e-mail that I have posted a new blog, htank god for that, now I'll be able to read this at work!!

YAHOO!

Sweet deal, If you go to Yahoo.com and search HappyGapper, or Happy Gapper, or bonnie and clyde pitures.com, you get a link to my little corner of the web universe... Sweet, I exist!

Also, I have noticed a slight bump in my visitor amounts per day, Nice! So how can I hook you people out there and make you come back every few hours?

Hard-core nudity!!!






















So there you have it folks, hope I tickled your fancy!! More in a bit!

We lose again!

2 games last night and we lost both of them. that's 6 in a row, we have 4 playoff games left and in the opinions of some of our players, we have only 4 games to worry about. Downtrodden tired and aching I spoke with YankeeDoodle, Eeyore and Wheels trying to convey the message that; we are not going to give this thing up without a fight.

We lost a slim one last night (1 run with 2 outs bottom of last inning), and the one before that we just failed to produce decent defence on a few occasions allowing them to get the upper hand. We have much tougher opponents to play Friday and Saturday, but we should be able to pull out a few wins, or at the very least finish with some self respect.

In either case we will definitely see Cookie slow dance with Eeyore and Wheels eat about 12 cabbage rolls at the end of year banquet. Hell I might even drink the gravy again this year!

Something stinks in Cowtown

My "friend" in Calgary just informed me of a bet he has taken with his Roomies.

It's common knowledge that after a weekend of drinking that your "system" needs time to recuperate. My "friend" let's call him J-RAG, bet his room mate that he will not poop until 5 today. This is since breakfast yesterday. J-RAG stands to win 50 dollars for this feat. I am however somewhat concerned with the verification methods, to ensure J-RAG didn't "go" while away from him.

The easiest and most obvious verification method would be the streak test; checking the briefs for the racing stripes usually left after improperly wiping one's ass, which I am positive he does, bu failing that, I would like some suggestions to bulletproof this thing so Roomy, doesn't get took for 50.00.

If my concern seems misplaced; it is only because I hate to see a guy lose money over some stupid SHIT! Wakka Wakka.

Poor poor showing, by the boys of Preffered Towing

Brutal, just plain nasty.

I entered our Slow-Pitch team in a tournament for the weekend that just passed. There were 15 teams and it was a double knock out style. We got knocked out.

The first game was brutal. The team we played were obviously good. This was decided as we watched select players put on the tape. Taping ankles an wrists. These boys were here to play ball. I think they stopped trying after their 40th run. We managed 6. The second game wouldn't be until 5, so we returned to our campsite for some eats and a few beer. At 5 we took to the field against a put together team of Native Canadians. In my experience these are always tough teams to play because there is no quit in their play or their mouths.

It was a heated battle and some good ball was played on both sides, but in the end we failed to make up the 4 run deficit with our last at bat. It was a good game though.

Egos bruised and some players walking off injuries (Sidenote: Eeyore sprained an ankle the night before in a non-baseball related tumble down a ditch near our campsite, alcohol may have been a factor), we generally felt we had beaten ourselves... again.

Looking forward... Tonight we start round robin play for our Men's service league playoffs. With the Preferred towing team looking for revenge after losing 4 in a row recently (including weekend debacle). Our first game is against a team we have lost to twice, but really really should not have. The "A" game is also expected to make an appearance.

Choices

Mr. Voice: Hello everyone and welcome to the show that takes every day life and breaks into ups n downs so the guests and you at home can make "Choices".

#1. Today we have our guest Jim. Jim has been offered a 6 1/2 month extension at his current posting through the winter which would ensure him employment through his usual layoff period.

#2. In a week Jim is also supposed to return to his post where he is a factor in the devellopment of a new Coast Guard Notices to Shipping program, which he has contributed to since its inception.

#3. Recently Jim went through a recruitment process for a position that he used to hold that pays well, but is only 9 (pensionable) months of the year, leaving him without employment for three winter months.

Host (Bob): Well Jim, I have to say I don't feel sorry for you at all, these all sound like great oppertunities to better yourself, or adevance in your carreer!

Jim: Well Bob, You are correct in that statement but if you read the first paragraph, I'm not on the show to gain pity, but use your audience in their infinite wisdom as a tool for decision making.

Bob: Ok Jim, you're right. Let's get started!

\\\applause erupts and a giant whiteboard drops from the rafters of the studio///

Bob: Ok Jim let's mark some pros and cons down here and help our viewers see more clearly what "Choices" you have.

Now, Extension in current job, what do you like here Jim?

Jim: Well, The fact that I am expanding my horizons and learning more and more are great reasons to stay, money is good and advancement oppertunities exist ito upper echelons (eventually).

Bob: Whoa, whoa there fella, let's not go nuts, just the facts please!

Jim: Ok Money is better, year round work and chance to move up. But work is a little hum-drum.

Bob: Ok and the second one?

Jim: Software devellopment experience, possibility of spearheading program implementation across Canada as the standard in Coast Guard. But, this project will only last for so long and the money is bad, and this is seasonal work most of the years.

Bob: Ok Jim, what about #3? Too much money and job security? Not enough toilet paper rolls in the handicapped stall? (Bob is smirking at crown and cameras... Jim is getting upset).

Jim: No Bob, This job is very rewarding, it is an operational position instead of Clerical/computer involved. The money is great. But, the year is 9 months, the possibility of advancement is (very very) slim at best and there are some questions about the future of the program. Not to mention attending training (away from home) for 6 months and forfeiting salary for living allowance (not a lot of living allowance).

Bob: (Still egging Jim on) Ok so you have;
#1 Lots of money and oppertunity, but you're bored;
#2 you can get a sense of accomplishment and appear in the credits for a computer program, but the money and seasonality suck;
#3 a job you like (as far as you know) more money, better holidays, but only seasonal work starting from scratch, and you'll be there forever.

Have I got it all?

Jim: Yes Bob.

Bob: Well listen to Mr. Boohoo I want a job with everything waaa, my career is making me choose between good and better, guffaw!

///In the studio silence falls on the audience and Jim gets up and lunges at Bob, the network quickly cuts to commercial and after several minutes of test pattern the gameshow returns with Bob (appearing to be in some discomfort) and Jim with a look of satisfaction.\\\

Bob (meekly): Well audience and you all at home it's time to help Jim out, please enter your choices and we'll see at the end of the show which Jim will choose as his path. Audience... Vote Now.

///Bob rubs his left jaw as the camera wipes into the audience now making their selections.\\
Mr. Voice: That's right Bob, and our home viewers can make their selections by visiting the HappyGapper web-site and making their selections there, If you would like to post a comment please do so in the comments section under this contest's post and include your number selection there.

Back to you Bob!

Members of our audience will receive coupons from Uncle McHallett's Haggis and cabbage, get your fill at Gordy's McGrill!
Also each member will receive a free consultation at the Dr. Kevorkian clinic. Satisfaction the first time is their guarantee, or your money back!

Barry's Blunder

It was finally time for Barry’s revenge… those bastards were about to pay, he laced the team water cooler with a sedative powerful enough to sedate a 175 pound man, such as he was… Soon they’ll all be too sleepy to play in the “Big Game”… “Keep me from playing football will they”… He slinked into the shadows to watch his plan unfold… It was very soon after the first one dropped that Barry realized that, over the past 21 years, since he had been an aspiring “Mite-E-Titan”… that he himself had matured and grown, but the peewee football team had not…

All Apologies

Although many of these items I'm going to list still crack me up as much as when I first did them, I feel a somewhat moral obligation to at least feign an apology. Here for your amusement and my own soul cleansing, are items I'm not so proud of in no particular order.

1) In my college years while taking a “study break” with Mr. Playstation 2, I noticed my friends cat preparing to launch himself from the floor to the window sill where he likes to perch and watch foot traffic go by. Without thinking I swung around in my chair and full out Dikembe Mutumbo style swatted him mid-air sending him sprawling back on the floor. I then taunted him, sorry.

2) Mags, after you finally entrusted me with the operation of your boat, I promptly decided to begin what I defined as "miami vice turns", little did I know that these maneuvers would nearly flip and kill/maim us all. I'd like to blame Don Johnson, but truth is I'm just really really irresponsible, sorry.

3) Sutter, although petite, spunky, and equally drunk as myself, body slamming you onto the hood of a stranger's car outside of the bar a la the Hulk Hogan was probably in ill taste. You took it like a champ though, sorry.

4) Jr. sorry about that ill fated suplex that should have resulted in a cushy respite on your bed, but instead ended with glass raining down upon us as your foot shattered the glass light fixture on the ceiling. You were a little young and impressionable so you took the brunt of blame. For that I apologize.

5) The children of E.B. and surrounding area. Sorry that we got drunk and drove around town taking turns with baseball bats hate criming your snowmen. Some of them must have taken a lot of work, and those only felt more satisfying as we emulated Sammy Sosa and knocked their cute buttons and bike helmets into the next yard. Blame youth, I’m still sorry.

6) To the salamanders of BGRDE (1990), sorry we covered your slimy bodies with salt with the intention of drying you out and exterminating you. In my defence my kindergarten teacher started it by showing us it worked and supplying a box of salt. Sorry guys.

7) To my mother and Flo, It WAS me who ate the apples off her apple tree, not to be mischevious, but because she had an apple tree and I wanted an apple (or 7). Hopefully you can fully appreciate the situation. I think I may have paid for this one during childhood however, day after “green apple splatters” ensured the insolence would not be repeated. I am really sorry.

8) To the Owner Operators of A+M, while driving home to the city when I was attending school, I fueled up at your station. I went in and purchased Spits, Coke and Paid for them. 2 miles out of town I giggled as I realized I hadn’t paid for my 13 dollars of fuel. I should have returned to compensate you, but I was 2 miles down the road. My bad.

9) Principle Peanut, I may have been spinning a yarn when I told you I never meant to throw the football at your head near the sideline during a lunch break in my highschool years. You got up pretty quick for a little guy and never questionned my intentions. Thank you and, I’m sorry.

10) T-bo (tukatuka), I once snuck behind the shooter bar 5 times when I was 19 and prepared shooters (4 to be exact and Fel made me do it) for my table without being seen or caught. I owe you 20 shots sometime. Sorry... By the way, you forgot my birthday, maybe we're even after all.

Dam Spam

Anyone read my comments on yesterdays post? I got picked up on the web somehow and the advertisements flowed in. What a pain in the arse. It seems blogging is becoming a quick way to reach people, here I thought I was the only one interested in my shit!

I think what happens is I get picked up by one of those "most recently updated Blogs" engines and people click in. Parasites and good bloggers alike. Actually I can see where they come from and where they write their stuff, so I drop in for a visit... sometimes. Not when a dude from water purification spends 2 seconds on my site and pastes a message asking me to visit his site and get pop upped to death. The stats are very impressive seing how my traffic ranges from 14 to 20 visits (much to my own shock) on any given day. But somewhere huddledx in the mass blogsphere there are good sites to check out and though I haven't found anyone I'd link to, the more visits the better for the HappyGapper!

Let's hear it for the STREAK

Happy Birthday DAD!

Today marks yet another of a large cluster of birthdays around the end of August and beginning of September, Including mine. It took me a while, but I figured out why there are so many of us who made our debut's into this world around these days of summer.

We are New Years accidents. Sure, Mommy and Daddy were happy to have us and we may even have been planned to an extent, but I'll bet that the exuberance and enthusiasm on New Year's eve (or day) was due at least in part to the consumption of mass quantities of champagne and likely a Rum or two.

So here's to us Dad, The real New Years babies. What a magical thing to be a part of... Just don't ever contemplate the act... ever... ever.

Streaks' worst nightmare

I woke up a little late this morning and didn't have time to have breakfast at home, so I proceed to drive to work. When I arrived at the office I decided to grab a muffin from the cofffee shop across the street. I also got a chocolate milk.

I warmed the muffin in the microwave to make it (seem) more fresh. I sat a tore the top off and took a bite. Great, I love carrot muffins. I opened my milk to take a pull.

I'm not sure at what point I realized it, but my mouth opened and my slightly moistened muffin tumbled to the napkin I had unfolded and spread out like a make-shift picnic blanket, and on it sat a brown gooey mess that smelled of baby vomit and dog farts and looked like cottage cheese on wheat bread.

I had gulped down half of a mouthfull of sour expired milk and muffin. My day is not going to go well.

Truth Hurts

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama this morning when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of the
boy.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and so the judge awarded custody to his aunt. The boy confirmed that his aunt beat him
more than his parents and refused to live there.

When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents the boy cried out that they beat him more than anyone. The judge dramatically allowed
the boy to choose who should have custody of him.

As a result, custody was granted to the Saskatchewan Roughriders this morning as it is believed that they are not capable of beating anyone.

It's me Birthday!!!

I'm 29.

Last night we played baseball and lost, I spent the entire day moving the last of our stuff into the house, and I aggravated both my knee injuries. I'm an old man.

BUT, today I go pick up my new truck (see post below)and spend the rest of my night showing my buddies. I got birthday wishess from all over the dam place and I had tequila for the first time in ages. I wrestled with Wheels in the truck to and from the bar and I will eat my "special" birthday cake tonight. Good times people... Good times. Now I must go to restaurant to get something greasy to coat my stomach... I really drank too much last night.

Tribute to Boobs

Ten years ago today my best friend was killed in a plane crash that was caused by poor weather conditions. I still think of him each day, and look back with fondness on our exploits. Creative writing was a favorite passtime of his and this blog is a tribute to that. I will include some of his writing and some of our earlier comedic stuff that I still have in my posession.

Try this at home

I just laid down another 400 square feet of laminate flooring. Damn I'm good. Our new place had pink carpet and walls throughout, smelled of cigarettes and baby poop and was dirty. a few weeks later we have hardwood throughout, new (nice) wall colors and a beige carpet in the upstairs bedrooms and hallways. This place is very nice.

I have heard that renovating a home can put a lot of strain on a relationship, but with my wife we really come together and seem happier when we're busy with these sorts of projects. SHe has the style and I have power tools. I've learned to trust her insticts on most things because she can visualize the end product, I fumble along and come up with the odd good idea, like laying the pattern of the wood grain opposite in the porch to seperate it from the rest of the main floor. Genius I know.

The place looks fabulous and didn't cost us a thing, the new landlord doesn't mind letting us renovate and we are happy not to live in pink carpet filth and scummy walls. Now if we could get the dogs to leave it be, we'd be laughing.

We got skunked

The team forgot to come to the game last night. It was brutal, down by ten we rallied back to take the lead... briefly, before the oposing team put on a clinic, actually we put on the clinic. "How to not catch a ball". Brutal.

After the game I came home to a pile of torn stuff and dog urine and feces spread from one end of the basement to the other. It seems project "dogs roam free" is not working out. 2 am (after cleaning up) I went to the old place and got the crates. They will never be free again.

As for the rest of my day, I found out that I might get an extension at the job I'm in now through the winter months, which is great because I usually get the big layoff then. I guess we'll see what happens.

New project: Assemble the brothers Gapper for a northern fishing trip in the sping sometime. Actually Pokey will be heading up this project, since he's the only one that has ever done this sort of thing. Hope you read my e-mail before this... Muhahaha

Jus for grins here's a pic of one of my Uncles that I intend to make t-shirts of and pass around next family gathering (great idea JR). Sweet.

Bring the news

Ok, so the damage to the wheels was a little more profound than first thought. Upon some investigation I noticed a ticking noise while engine is running. Mechanic suggests get rid of it before oil pan falls off. Never one to go against Doctor's orders, we sold the poor thing to a dealership for plenty more than it's worth (now). We have gotten the replacement and this time it's dady's kind of truck...









So it's the X-Terra S series, a small SUV with no frills. The base model with a few throw ins from the dealer.

We are moved in and have the place we love. It's cheap and the landlord let us renovate (a la carte blanche), new flooring throughout, new paint and a few other things, he gave us PO numbers and said giver. It is great. No worries, small bills, and plenty of room. My new nighbor (spanish lady) we'll call her Dora, is fantastic, and funny, we have a small backyard and a patio. My hpone number is the same so if you need to make call to me you have the numero. Almost settled in, have to have a garage sale and that will be it. Very happy with our decision thus far.

I have an interview today within the Coast Guard for a job I had but lost. I am in the top 5 for three jobs, not sure if I'll take it, but like a wise Pokey once said, make choices only once you have options. Right now I'm bulding up plenty of options.

That's the news, now the weather.
Hot damn hot, real hot, cook an egg on the sidewaly hot...

And in sports:
The Preferred Towing Pythons are in control tonight as they take on the ____ ____ (poor suckers) at home. the Pythons are on a three game winning streak and have secured a spot in the finals. Fielder JIM has two consecutive Homerun games with a grand slam last week. Returning to the lineup Eeyore will grace short-stop after a two game sojourn while "finding himself" also returning to the lineup Wheels will take his usual spot in Right center.

And now a word from our sponsor....

Stealing the show

After the past few posts my buddy sent an e-mail describing the bad luck he's been having. You decide if he has us beat!

Well Goat, I could't help but notice all you (Gapper Family) trying to hog the glory when it comes to recent mishaps. Well, Let Big Geo show you how it's done properly! Let me tell you the tale of the 98 Blazer from hell!

January 18, 2004 - Purchase of a 1998 Chev Blazer. Black Leather seats, low KM, 4x4. passes my mechanics inspection.

January 19, 2004 - return to dealership when thermostat dies. They're not gonna screw me!! April 2004 - replace door pins and bushings on 2 front doors. $200. Mechanic says pretty common.

June 2004 - replace Signal switch $550. Hmmm. one of those things i guess.

August 2004 - Air conditioner runs out of freon. I have a leak. Oh well Summer is over. It'll wait.

October 2004 - get rear ended in parking lot. Ha ha! only $100 deductible!

January 2005 - repair transfer case so 4x4 still works. $650. this is beginning to hurt.

March 2005 - replace Water Pump and tear apart front differential. $850. Ok here's the first letter."L" April 2005

- Alternator blows. $350. Next up in an "E" June 2005

- Manifold intake gasket is shot. $350. Can i get an "M"!!!!!!!

July 2005 - "Lifters" begin making noise, at least that's what the mechanic says. No worries till it gets louder. Try some Hi mileage oil and an engine flush for now, but eventually about $600. OK that deserves an anticipatory "O"

August 2005 - and for the big finish!!!! that's right! A BLOWN ENGINE!!!!!!

That's it. I am beaten. I am at your mercy of lords of the S.O.B.(SUV). Please put me out of my misery! $2600!!!! Now THAT deserves an "N".

So to Recap. That's "L" "E" "M" "O" "N"!!!

So you see my fellow South Sask Natives, it could always be worse. If your ever in Regina, stop in and say hi! I'm the only with the $5300 repair bill up my a$$. Anyone want to buy a blazer?????

P.S. i fired the mechanic ,

Your humble goverment slug whiskey pete

Poor WHiskey pete, but since he's a public servant, we won't feel too sorry for him, I know he makes too much money anyway!! By the way Geo, how much $ did you pour into the old Torino that you drove for 5 years??

Black cloud looms over Gapper family

From Pokey this morning:

Subject : Don't laff

Last night, in the midst of our move, someone broke into my car trying to steal
it, completely disabling it it in the process. So while I've moved, my wife, my
car and my kayaks have not. It's hard to let go.

Look out kids, there's a storm a brewin'.

It happens to the best of us, no worries honey

My truck is out of service due to a small (large) crack in the aluminum oil pan.

The drive thru at Burger King has a drop off from the passenger side, that is virtually invisible to anyone pulled into it. After Wife made her order she was prompted to pull into a parking spot and the workers would bring the order to her. She made a right turn and WHAMO, belly flopped our SUV onto the unmarked cement curb.

The call:
"JIM, I broke the truck at Burger King Drive Thru.
Are you ok?
Yes.
I'll be right there."

I pulled up to the scene to see a puddle of what must have been 5 litres of oil gathered under the front of my once pristine truck. This is not good.

Vicki gets out and says, "I'm sorry", I stayed silent, investigating the fluid type, clearly it was oil. I looked under the car to see a 4 inch long crack in the oil panwhere the last few drops of 5W30 were creeping into the embrace of 5 litres of departed brethren.

This is going to cost me.

Fortunately, if you can call it that, there was a car load of people behind Wife when it happened and they noticed the oil dumping from the truck and advised Wife to turn the truck off. It so happened that these were the owners of a large truck company and had a garage in town and could fix it for cash, and get the part at cost price for us. You see, this same thing had happened to them years ago and they felt really bad for us. So with my towtruck connections I had it taen to their compound and am in the process of deciding whether to replace or repair the oil pan. the difference between them is 280.00, but there are things to consider like engine warranty and so on.

Otherwise things are great!

June wedding

Sly dog James indeed!

My buddy did it again, and if my math calculations are correct, the bride had a bun in the oven at the wedding! Cool.

Congrats kids! good thing you are moving into a great big house, keep a spare room for me!

Put a label on them mugs

Okay, allow me to introduce you to my posse. The Mickey mouse on skates, is Junior, he also appears in a stylish red jacket saluting with the wrong hand. In the car window is my older brother "Boner", and the big fellow in the costume is "Pokey", I am the adorable (then) red-head, who oozes cuteness and confidence. I am since married and ask permission to choose a hair style. Jokes honey...

One more

Guess, c'mon guess! The first one is easy... Muhahahaha

The good old days

Remember the times? Is it a wonder to anyone else why we survied and lead such normal lives?

Ok, so I'm not all that old, but I have witnessed the arrival of a lot of "new ways" in my (almost) 29 years.

Remember when your mother used one cutting board to cut up a chicken, chop eggs and veggies? Now you need to wash each item seperately in boiling water to make sure that your poor immune system isn't left to fend for you.

Remember a pound of hamburger defrosting on the counter top, or when cooking it medium was even an option?

Sandwiches wrapped in wax paper and put in a brown paper bag, instead of a thermal cooler with ice packs?

Swimming in the creek, with god knows what bacteria and the like?

Gym class was the only thing to look forward to in school? PE keeps a level playing field for the non-athletic kids, so they can read about physical activity. Wonder if they would have considered cutting math for the non-algebraeicly gifted children.

Prayers and National anthems were the norm. Now it's discrimination.

Equality was contemplated when Junior got more pudding than the neighbor girl, not more money.

I used to have to do something before I was able to be proud of it.

Can't remember being bored with no Computer or Nintendo. There musta been something to do...

King of the hill on a gravel pile was a game, not a death wish. When I came home with a scratch it was a iodine bath and a bandaid, not a trip to the hospital and a horse pill.

No acting up at Gramma's, she'd spank my ass... and when I got home, I'd get my ass spanked. Grandma and Mom and Dad would all be in prison today.

How did I make it? Why was I so lucky as to make it to adulthood, without suffering any of the negative effects from the same exploits in today's world?

I blame it on evolution and the ability to move forward in every aspect of life... Shit I just cut myself on a piece of paper... at work... y'know what that means... Long weekend with pay!

Poor showing by the Gapper faithful

Sad people, really sad.

Kurt Cobain

Ozzy Osbourne

Billy Joe (Greenday)

Who Dis?

Hey kids, let's play guess the names...









































It's not a chick, it's a man, man!

I am so smart

I just talked to my Mortgage people, and asked what my penalty was for closing early, it was an astounding amount.

Back when we signed the mortgage, I recalled that there was a "Privilege Payment" clause that allowed us to pay 25% of our total mortgage amount which was applied directly to the principal. I called back armed with this info and the good ol internet and bank sites. Aparrently it's a little known fact out there that you can get your lawyer to pay the Mortgage lender in two checks; one for the Privilege Payment and a second one for the outstanding balance, which reduces the penalty that they base on monthly interest they will lose by closing your mortgage, three months worth actually...

Well, After a little bit of a run-around, I got the answer that they will allow this and therefor, my penalty is reduced by $2,000.00, I ain't just looks folks!

But with the good comes the bad... people are hesitant to rent to dog owners... Shit.