Here are ten ways for a teenager to screw their lives up but good, list built from experience and guesstimation.
10. Fist fight a fully grown Boar in heat. (Suweee! You may not have to worry about adulthood after all!)
9. Speak in the third person at all times. (“Jim would like a coke, but Jim don’t know maybe Jim would prefer egg nog… Can you give Jim a minute?”)
8. Resist arrest after getting caught stealing a road work sign. (Hmmmm)
7. Pee on a park bench while the nice Officer tries to enjoy his lunch on a sunny day. (“So here’s where all the (blanks) hang out!”)
6. Experiment with home made drugs. (“Dude it’s kinda like X but I just caked some comet cleaning powder with a spot of Drano, the old man’s Grey Goose and mom’s birth control pills.”)
5. Wear a Dora the Explorer t-shirt to Metallica mosh pit. (Pretty sure your map ain’t gonna get you outa this one)
4. Get a job outside of a truck stop for a guy with a feather in his hat. (No one wants to be called a lot lizard, not even a lot lizard)
3. Tattooing your sweethearts’ name on your forehead. (Need I Elaborate?)
2. Piercing your privates. (Sorry son, but those holes ain't going to fill in)
1. Visit Never Land and spend the weekend in Michaels room. (Thriller indeed)
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Barely believable
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water
Jack fell down and broke his crown
And Jill came tumbling after.
Up got Jack, and home did trot
As fast as he could caper
He went to bed and bound his head
With vinegar and brown paper.
Permit me to dissect this, if you please.
On what planet would a body of water be at the top of a hill? Are we talking a little lake or a stream? Where does it lead? If it leads somewhere then chances are there is something closer on the bottom of the hill that would prevent what comes next.
Broke his crown? Is Jack royalty? If so what’s he doing fetching anything? Was he just trying to meld with the “people”? Maybe he should have taken his high fluting crown off then.
Jill never should have been following so closely, especially to a nut who fetches water with a crown.
So now our boy Jack is up again “trotting” home at top speed. What’s up with Jill at this point? Did Jacky boy leave her to rot in a ditch?
So now he’s home safe and sound and he does what anyone who hurt their heads would do, dump the leftover fries out of the condiment soaked bag and put it on your head.
What passed for writing in 1795? Now Barney? That lizard's got soul.
Jack fell down and broke his crown
And Jill came tumbling after.
Up got Jack, and home did trot
As fast as he could caper
He went to bed and bound his head
With vinegar and brown paper.
Permit me to dissect this, if you please.
On what planet would a body of water be at the top of a hill? Are we talking a little lake or a stream? Where does it lead? If it leads somewhere then chances are there is something closer on the bottom of the hill that would prevent what comes next.
Broke his crown? Is Jack royalty? If so what’s he doing fetching anything? Was he just trying to meld with the “people”? Maybe he should have taken his high fluting crown off then.
Jill never should have been following so closely, especially to a nut who fetches water with a crown.
So now our boy Jack is up again “trotting” home at top speed. What’s up with Jill at this point? Did Jacky boy leave her to rot in a ditch?
So now he’s home safe and sound and he does what anyone who hurt their heads would do, dump the leftover fries out of the condiment soaked bag and put it on your head.
What passed for writing in 1795? Now Barney? That lizard's got soul.
Monday, May 29, 2006
Hot hot heat
Yesterday was our first taste of the heat that Southern Ontario can only provide. Humidity and little to no wind. The apartment was hot and sticky and the South end of the house was smouldering. I actually impulse bought a window air conditioner from an on line classified ad and installed it at 9:00 at night.
We never had an air conditioner during my childhood, our cooling was provided through cool summer evenings and a light breeze through the windows. The luxury of manufactured coolness was never a passing thought. Mom’s system was fool proof and the house always felt cool throughout the day no matter what it was like outside. Humidity was never a factor like it is here and that was half the battle in my opinion.
Now I have grown accustomed to the gentle whiz of a GE 6000 BTU window buddy, and to be without one in these parts would mean many a sleepless night. I try to imagine life without it and on a day like today when you are starting a new job with new people around you, the last thing you want is to show up to work sweating profusely with pit stains on your slick office guy outfit.
Happy Gapper is off to his new job now; I hope I don’t get beat up for my lunch money. I used to be the cool kid!
We never had an air conditioner during my childhood, our cooling was provided through cool summer evenings and a light breeze through the windows. The luxury of manufactured coolness was never a passing thought. Mom’s system was fool proof and the house always felt cool throughout the day no matter what it was like outside. Humidity was never a factor like it is here and that was half the battle in my opinion.
Now I have grown accustomed to the gentle whiz of a GE 6000 BTU window buddy, and to be without one in these parts would mean many a sleepless night. I try to imagine life without it and on a day like today when you are starting a new job with new people around you, the last thing you want is to show up to work sweating profusely with pit stains on your slick office guy outfit.
Happy Gapper is off to his new job now; I hope I don’t get beat up for my lunch money. I used to be the cool kid!
Sunday, May 28, 2006
Dance Monkey
I’m not one to brag about the stupid things I do in the name of humour or a good time, but I took the proverbial cake last night.
A good friend’s father turned 70 and they hosted a party for him last night, they wanted to do something different for him and needed a lackey, well guess which clown they came to…no, not him…me!
So at 4:30 yesterday afternoon the Gapper strapped on a costume and strip teased the crowd with moves that could only parallel a bowl of Jell-O. I will remain surreptitious on the specifics of the costume pending receipt of the photo proof. Otherwise I’ll own up to nothing!
Later that evening was a good visit and a drive all around town piloted by yours truly, I was D.D. (not my stripping outfit, Designated Driver you sillies), Uncle Jim is a barrel of fun, no doubt.
A good friend’s father turned 70 and they hosted a party for him last night, they wanted to do something different for him and needed a lackey, well guess which clown they came to…no, not him…me!
So at 4:30 yesterday afternoon the Gapper strapped on a costume and strip teased the crowd with moves that could only parallel a bowl of Jell-O. I will remain surreptitious on the specifics of the costume pending receipt of the photo proof. Otherwise I’ll own up to nothing!
Later that evening was a good visit and a drive all around town piloted by yours truly, I was D.D. (not my stripping outfit, Designated Driver you sillies), Uncle Jim is a barrel of fun, no doubt.
Saturday, May 27, 2006
A few notes on a Saturday morning
I got to get up to speed on the what's what of Saturday morning cartoons. I can't believe some of the cartoons that entrap a 5-year-old mind. A show about a Brother and sister rabbit that go through the twist and turns of daily life, with one exception, the little brother rabbit is a half-wit. This is one dumb, dumb bunny. Any seemingly straightforward task is jumbled and turned into a calamity only for big sister to clean up the chaos.
Next was a cartoon about some super villain cheerleaders who are trying to run amuck in some futuristic city. Their fighting style is some ancient form of teen PMS cheerleader kick style. In the end the “good” cheerleaders win and some goofy four-eyed boy makes the cheerleading squad as head cheerleader because his competition is incarcerated for their indiscretions.
Next is a classic, Scooby Doo where super villains are trying to scare people. For some reason the team (who for the most part look quite capable and intelligent) continually pairs the two biggest screw-ups in the posse to try and solve whatever crime they are assigned to. But by some half assed coincidence these hapless morons manage to foil the rogues.
I miss Bugs Bunny, there was a certain genius behind an anvil crushing every cast member at one point or another in their series.
A theme seems to run constant throughout; boys are dumb, except for the good-looking one on Scooby. I guess that may be why I have such esteem problems…sigh; I don’t remember Saturday morning cartoons being so depressing.
Friday, May 26, 2006
Madness
It was the summer of love, not to be mistaken with the summer of discovery or the summer of truth because imagine those all taking place the same summer, that would just be silly.
Thursday, May 25, 2006
Life and times and the cars that got me there
The first vehicle I drove was a nineteen seventy something Ford Courrier. It was a sun faded red with a shredded interior with a bench seat and 4 speeds. In my younger days it was used to commute to the nearby hamlet and back to the farm we lived on outside of town. My greatest thrill was when Dad would set me on his lap and let me steer.
This vehicle was the pride of each of the Gapper boys, we all took turns repairing and modifying it in one capacity or another. We all dreamed of the day that this truck would be our own and how cool we would be screaming down the correction line in it.
The truck was never registered or insured because it never took a trip more than 4 or 5 miles, it was used to haul garbage to the dump, transport wood and do other light duty things around home. Nobody ever took ownership of little red, but we all had fun tearing around in it as soon as we could reach the clutch.
The car I got my license with was a 1983 Pontiac Parisienne, this was a massive car by today’s standards. My Dad bought it new from a dealership 40 miles from home. This car saw 4 teenagers a few dead deer (though they were only dead after the encounter), countless miles and road trips to hockey, vacations, boarding school drop-offs, in city and cross province relocations (looked funny screaming down the streets of Saskatoon with a Queen size bed on the roof) and the like.
I don’t know the exact numbers but what we affectionately referred to as “Le Pontiac”, was retired about 3 years ago in Alberta, it was donated and likely became a gross of pop cans or I beams, by guestimation I’d say it had 300,000 kilometres on it and what was left of the body. At the end several interior parts had been pitched from the car while on the road because it was no longer possible to keep it whole. Parts of the Pontiac are scattered and buried all over Saskatchewan where her soul shall rest for ever, or until some farmer gets it stuck in his tire.
The next car I drove was the Mercury Capri my eldest brother bought and handed down. This was my first “cool” car. It got me to many a party and the scent of vanilla pine tree air fresheners sill takes me back. The Capri died near Richardson Saskatchewan when the engine overheated and spewed scalding antifreeze over the right side of my torso leaving me with significant burns and discomfort. Luckily we flagged down a bus bound for home and found $250.00 in the seat. The bus driver said to keep it since this bus was out of service for a year before this trip. I don’t remember the evening for obvious reasons.
The last of my most memorable vehicles was the 1986 Chevrolet Cavalier or “Kadoo”, it was named this because it spent more time in the snow bank than the road but never by accident, I had a E. Knievel thing going for a while. I’ll retain further stories due to the fact that my Mother reads this occasionally. Two words: Wet Bar.
I’ve had about another 6 or 7 cars since that are gone for various reasons but they mostly served me well or were dispatched by mine own hand.
So in honor of the cars that got us around life and near misses, I take one sip of a 40 for me and pour one to the earth for my homeys.
This vehicle was the pride of each of the Gapper boys, we all took turns repairing and modifying it in one capacity or another. We all dreamed of the day that this truck would be our own and how cool we would be screaming down the correction line in it.
The truck was never registered or insured because it never took a trip more than 4 or 5 miles, it was used to haul garbage to the dump, transport wood and do other light duty things around home. Nobody ever took ownership of little red, but we all had fun tearing around in it as soon as we could reach the clutch.
The car I got my license with was a 1983 Pontiac Parisienne, this was a massive car by today’s standards. My Dad bought it new from a dealership 40 miles from home. This car saw 4 teenagers a few dead deer (though they were only dead after the encounter), countless miles and road trips to hockey, vacations, boarding school drop-offs, in city and cross province relocations (looked funny screaming down the streets of Saskatoon with a Queen size bed on the roof) and the like.
I don’t know the exact numbers but what we affectionately referred to as “Le Pontiac”, was retired about 3 years ago in Alberta, it was donated and likely became a gross of pop cans or I beams, by guestimation I’d say it had 300,000 kilometres on it and what was left of the body. At the end several interior parts had been pitched from the car while on the road because it was no longer possible to keep it whole. Parts of the Pontiac are scattered and buried all over Saskatchewan where her soul shall rest for ever, or until some farmer gets it stuck in his tire.
The next car I drove was the Mercury Capri my eldest brother bought and handed down. This was my first “cool” car. It got me to many a party and the scent of vanilla pine tree air fresheners sill takes me back. The Capri died near Richardson Saskatchewan when the engine overheated and spewed scalding antifreeze over the right side of my torso leaving me with significant burns and discomfort. Luckily we flagged down a bus bound for home and found $250.00 in the seat. The bus driver said to keep it since this bus was out of service for a year before this trip. I don’t remember the evening for obvious reasons.
The last of my most memorable vehicles was the 1986 Chevrolet Cavalier or “Kadoo”, it was named this because it spent more time in the snow bank than the road but never by accident, I had a E. Knievel thing going for a while. I’ll retain further stories due to the fact that my Mother reads this occasionally. Two words: Wet Bar.
I’ve had about another 6 or 7 cars since that are gone for various reasons but they mostly served me well or were dispatched by mine own hand.
So in honor of the cars that got us around life and near misses, I take one sip of a 40 for me and pour one to the earth for my homeys.
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
Black cats, spilled salt and a rabbit foot.
Superstitions are silly, right? I mean you can’t seriously believe that talking to your goal posts is going to prevent the puck from entering as often as if you had not had a heart to heart.
I may be a little superstitious. When I watch a Saskatchewan Roughriders game I sit down with me #33 authentic jersey on. I can not listen to the national anthem; I change the channel until I am sure the sound waves have receded. Once I am watching the game I sit in suspense as I await what should be my team’s sure win, given that I ignored the anthem, unfortunately at times that's not enough. Can you believe that sometimes Saskatchewan falls behind anyway? If at the half we are down by 10 points or more, the jersey comes off and occupies the seat next to me until our inevitable triumph.
That is some weird stuff I guess, I actually told my little brother to stop watching the games because last season they went on a losing skid and it just so happened that he was watching every one. As soon as he stopped tuning in, poof! We went on a winning streak.
Superstitious or way out of line?
Last night I was watching the Edmonton Oilers beat the Anaheim Mighty Ducks. It was 4 – 0 in the third period which is normally a lock. I was speaking to my girlfriend on the phone and she just happened to tune in. Then things went bad for the Oilers… 4-1, wow, what bad luck, oh well, they’ll be fine…4-2, eesh still a lot of the game to play what might have changed to make the Oilers luck turn bad?… 4-3 Sue, sweetie, can you change the channel? After convincing her that I was serious she stopped laughing at me and clicked away.
I kid you not, 2 minutes after the channel was changed Oilers score… 5-3. I was a little shocked.
In the dying minutes of the game, Anaheim mustered another goal to come within one. I’m convinced that she must have been channel surfing or something and come across the game momentarily. In the last minute of play the Ducks pulled the goalie and there was an onslaught but Rolie the Goalie prevailed and Edmonton took a 3-0 series lead; one win away from the Stanley Cup Final.
If you think that’s weird, you should see my ritual before a hockey game that I play in…I’ve tried everything and I still suck, wonder if maybe I should change the sacrificed chicken for some KFC or something…
So now I'd like to ask the Oiler faithful (if there are any who read my blog) to drop a note of thanks to the one person who carried the team and ensured the "W" for the good guys. Thanks for taking one for the team, they couldn't have done it with you. I suddenly feel and piercing pain in my posterior...but I don't believe in Voodoo.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Funnier than thou
Okay, so for those of you who read the comments section of my Blog, you see that Mariann Simms has been commenting for a while now, whe pointed me in the direction of her own web-site that pits the funnier writers on the web in a no holds barred yuk yuk fest. There are an assortment of contest and even some prizes. For appearances as winner or mention of your submission you gather RA (Rat's Ass) points, there are different amounts for different placements. I've managed to amass 40 for 3 mentions in 3 contests since I started.
There are some pretty clever contests there and some extra funny writers there, I'd encourage you to check it out, it updates occasionally and you never know j_perreaux may appear as a winner someday, I will then cash my RA's for something large and tacky for all who know me to see.
So without further intro, here is Humor Me Online, enjoy! And feel free to compete, if you dare.
****Update, I just noticed I now have 60 RA's because I got 2 mentions in Photo Laughs for my SpongeGoth comments... 4 contests 5 mentions... much fun.
There are some pretty clever contests there and some extra funny writers there, I'd encourage you to check it out, it updates occasionally and you never know j_perreaux may appear as a winner someday, I will then cash my RA's for something large and tacky for all who know me to see.
So without further intro, here is Humor Me Online, enjoy! And feel free to compete, if you dare.
****Update, I just noticed I now have 60 RA's because I got 2 mentions in Photo Laughs for my SpongeGoth comments... 4 contests 5 mentions... much fun.
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Cuz I lve you maaaann *hic*
Miller Brewing Company,
I have just become legal drinking age and I would like to bring certain concerns to you for your action as you see fit.
On the day of my birthday I purchased 24 Miller Genuine Draft bottles from the local CONOCO service station. Upon my return home I proceeded to drink them in succession.
Once completed the first 6, I was feeling light headed and dizzy, my judgement was impaired. After 6 more bottles, I found that my normally crisp and well enunciated english had become incoherent and pointless.
I attempted to drink one more from the next 12 only to fall asleep near the toilet.
I woke the next afternoon with the following side-effects: Nausea, vomiting, dizziness, diahrea, dehydration, bad taste in mouth, perspiration and I was unable to walk or operate a motor vehicle for 24 hours.
I am therefore returning the unused portion of my purchase for refund in the hopes that your testing facilities may isolate the problem and correct the deficiency.
Sincerely
Bob Maher
I have just become legal drinking age and I would like to bring certain concerns to you for your action as you see fit.
On the day of my birthday I purchased 24 Miller Genuine Draft bottles from the local CONOCO service station. Upon my return home I proceeded to drink them in succession.
Once completed the first 6, I was feeling light headed and dizzy, my judgement was impaired. After 6 more bottles, I found that my normally crisp and well enunciated english had become incoherent and pointless.
I attempted to drink one more from the next 12 only to fall asleep near the toilet.
I woke the next afternoon with the following side-effects: Nausea, vomiting, dizziness, diahrea, dehydration, bad taste in mouth, perspiration and I was unable to walk or operate a motor vehicle for 24 hours.
I am therefore returning the unused portion of my purchase for refund in the hopes that your testing facilities may isolate the problem and correct the deficiency.
Sincerely
Bob Maher
How often has my little dog gone?
Dear Purina,
As one of your newest customers I felt it necessary to alert you to a potential problem with your product.
I puchased a Large bag of Purina Beneful for my Yellow Labrador Retriever, Jackal. After using a veterinarian brand for years, I was pleased to see the cost difference alone but to add to my excitement, my dog took to your brand of dog food with gusto. I even followed the suggestion on your web-site:
“Also, keep in mind that while there are appropriate times to change a dog’s diet, frequent changes are not necessary or recommended. It can contribute to finicky eating habits and increase the potential for stomach upsets. Consistency in pet foods is more important than variety.”
This was great information however there was a development later in the evening where Jackal had uncontrolable explosive diahrea and messed my house up something awful. Stomach upset may be something of an understatement.
It has been 32 days and there is still no sign of consistency in his feces, should I change his food to something different and mix it with your brand to see if he’ll recover?
Thank you for your time, I look forward to your prompt response.
As one of your newest customers I felt it necessary to alert you to a potential problem with your product.
I puchased a Large bag of Purina Beneful for my Yellow Labrador Retriever, Jackal. After using a veterinarian brand for years, I was pleased to see the cost difference alone but to add to my excitement, my dog took to your brand of dog food with gusto. I even followed the suggestion on your web-site:
“Also, keep in mind that while there are appropriate times to change a dog’s diet, frequent changes are not necessary or recommended. It can contribute to finicky eating habits and increase the potential for stomach upsets. Consistency in pet foods is more important than variety.”
This was great information however there was a development later in the evening where Jackal had uncontrolable explosive diahrea and messed my house up something awful. Stomach upset may be something of an understatement.
It has been 32 days and there is still no sign of consistency in his feces, should I change his food to something different and mix it with your brand to see if he’ll recover?
Thank you for your time, I look forward to your prompt response.
Oh boo yourself!
Here's a story about the boo birds in San Jose and the retalliation of Canada's team during the singing of our neighbor's National anthem.
What did you expect, them good ol' boys and girls to begin a war protest at Rexall? That's really more of a Montreal thing. I was so proud, I could have cried.
What did you expect, them good ol' boys and girls to begin a war protest at Rexall? That's really more of a Montreal thing. I was so proud, I could have cried.
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
West is Best
the-IDE hockey playoff pool is alive and well after another ousting of a Stanley Cup Fave!
Oilers have completed a four game win streak to oust Thornton and the evil Cheechoo thereby assuring that I will not be serving beer at the next family gathering. Now it's a race between Denis (what like 1 player left standing) Junior (what like 1 player standing) and me (STALL and STILLMAN TO THE FINALS!!!!).
Our friendly family pool is taking on a life of its own now that Pokey is BUBB. (Back Up Beer Bitch) should Gil be unable to fulfill his duties.
I can't wait til I go home, but now I have 4 schedules to plan around to make sure I'm not the BUBB designate.
Next year I will prevail as the #1 Hockey pool winner guy and will suckle at the teet of the brethren surpassed by my hockey savy... Yup better save up for the next Texas Mickey...
Oilers have completed a four game win streak to oust Thornton and the evil Cheechoo thereby assuring that I will not be serving beer at the next family gathering. Now it's a race between Denis (what like 1 player left standing) Junior (what like 1 player standing) and me (STALL and STILLMAN TO THE FINALS!!!!).
Our friendly family pool is taking on a life of its own now that Pokey is BUBB. (Back Up Beer Bitch) should Gil be unable to fulfill his duties.
I can't wait til I go home, but now I have 4 schedules to plan around to make sure I'm not the BUBB designate.
Next year I will prevail as the #1 Hockey pool winner guy and will suckle at the teet of the brethren surpassed by my hockey savy... Yup better save up for the next Texas Mickey...
Monday, May 15, 2006
P.O.S. car
It was September 2003, Junior and I had decided to make a pilgrimage west to Regina for a game at Taylor Field. Roughriders against the Argonauts. We planned to attend the game with Geo and his (soon to be) wife.
We had been home to witness the marriage of my brother Les to his wife Kimmy. It was a fabulous weekend and the addition of a Roughrider game would complete the perfect visit home. Junior had driven his 1990 Honda Civic from Alberta, so we were driving to Regina in it.
We had driven about an hour and a halfwith music cranked and windows down when we lost power and stalled. We got out of the car to investigate, and under the hood was the melted mess that was identified as a blown engine. The Civic's innauguration into yet another family horror story of good cars gone bad.
We remained on the side of the road contemplating options. As is always the case in Saskatchewan, a good samaritan wasn't long rescuing us from our roadside quandary.
We abandoned ship and made plans to have a friend meet us outside of town at a local watering hole traditionally frequented by our group before Roughrider games. Junior was decidedly upset, but I filled him with beer so he felt a litle better by half time.
Saskatchewan won the gameand as it happened my good friend T-BO was at the game about 10 rows up from us with his daughter. We secured our ride home and proceeded to get schnockered. The ride home was fun and we arranged for a tow to get the car to the city for...Whatever. Engine was seized, so it needed to be replaced. After some searching and phone calls we found the best deal and the engine was replaced in time to get Junior back to Cowtown and work.
This weekend marked the end of that era. Junior has a new(er) car and we are trying to name it. It';s a 1994 Cavalier (not even Z24), it's Purple.
Names suggested by Junior:
Purple People Eater
Barney
Purple Nurple
I suggested Brokeback Bangole, it's a play on a movie that explores (western) homosexuality, along with a french translation of car. I think it's a winner, but I'll turn it over to my loyal staff of proof-readers and witaholics to populate a list. Given the history of car ownership, our family has always had at least one lemon in their possesion, but none of us paid 6000 for it. This new addition came with the hefty price tag equivalent to a two week Economy car rental and a bag of Spitz.
Cue Adam Sandler "Ode to my car" now. Just for you buddy.
We had been home to witness the marriage of my brother Les to his wife Kimmy. It was a fabulous weekend and the addition of a Roughrider game would complete the perfect visit home. Junior had driven his 1990 Honda Civic from Alberta, so we were driving to Regina in it.
We had driven about an hour and a halfwith music cranked and windows down when we lost power and stalled. We got out of the car to investigate, and under the hood was the melted mess that was identified as a blown engine. The Civic's innauguration into yet another family horror story of good cars gone bad.
We remained on the side of the road contemplating options. As is always the case in Saskatchewan, a good samaritan wasn't long rescuing us from our roadside quandary.
We abandoned ship and made plans to have a friend meet us outside of town at a local watering hole traditionally frequented by our group before Roughrider games. Junior was decidedly upset, but I filled him with beer so he felt a litle better by half time.
Saskatchewan won the gameand as it happened my good friend T-BO was at the game about 10 rows up from us with his daughter. We secured our ride home and proceeded to get schnockered. The ride home was fun and we arranged for a tow to get the car to the city for...Whatever. Engine was seized, so it needed to be replaced. After some searching and phone calls we found the best deal and the engine was replaced in time to get Junior back to Cowtown and work.
This weekend marked the end of that era. Junior has a new(er) car and we are trying to name it. It';s a 1994 Cavalier (not even Z24), it's Purple.
Names suggested by Junior:
Purple People Eater
Barney
Purple Nurple
I suggested Brokeback Bangole, it's a play on a movie that explores (western) homosexuality, along with a french translation of car. I think it's a winner, but I'll turn it over to my loyal staff of proof-readers and witaholics to populate a list. Given the history of car ownership, our family has always had at least one lemon in their possesion, but none of us paid 6000 for it. This new addition came with the hefty price tag equivalent to a two week Economy car rental and a bag of Spitz.
Cue Adam Sandler "Ode to my car" now. Just for you buddy.
Friday, May 12, 2006
You dare to challenge?
Last night a reader left me a comment after this post.
It reads:
Anonymous said...
Depending on how our summer goes, we could cut out the middle trip. Instead of jellyfish, it could be a bee sting. Or you could just pee on my leg, y'know, just cuz.
I've decided not to sign my proposal. You can deduce/guess who it is and judge by his reaction whether or not your powers of deduction are up to snuff.
- 12:30
Sounds like fun!
Let's see, witty use of English language, I had someone in mind until the "his reaction" comment. It is not Mom, Rach, Kimmy, Sue, Jan, Siobh, Stace, Krista or Rhonda.
Words like "cuz" and "snuff" used in conjunction with "deduce" and "deduction" in the same sentence tell me the man in question is bright, but does not proofread. It is not Pokey.
"Our summer" suggests either the inclusion of another family member(s) this is not Junior (sorry man, not our fault you can't...y'know...seal the deal).
The time of comment gives little on its own, but in concurrence with the facts I have presented provides a clear picture of my mystery man. It is not Gil, 12:30 is snooze time. There was also a lack of ...'s.
Eeyore wouldn't bother, Polo don't care, K-Man has the quick wit, nevertheless the fact is that 12:30 rules out my Ontarian child toting friends.
So, my wordy, bright, witty friend; who I may or may not see this summer, with your brood, who is up late on the computer (taking into consideration the time differential), who has at one time or another considered letting me pee the pain of a jellyfish or bee bite away. I welcome your challenge and conclude that 'tis none other than Den (boner), whose internet provider is Shaw cable from a location in Northern Edmonton, whose out click was the comments window from 12:25 ish to 12:30ish.
Now for a Shakespearean bitch slap:
Thou tottering spur-galled hedge-pig!
Thou tottering dread-bolted pumpion!
Oh I got a million of 'em.
It reads:
Anonymous said...
Depending on how our summer goes, we could cut out the middle trip. Instead of jellyfish, it could be a bee sting. Or you could just pee on my leg, y'know, just cuz.
I've decided not to sign my proposal. You can deduce/guess who it is and judge by his reaction whether or not your powers of deduction are up to snuff.
- 12:30
Sounds like fun!
Let's see, witty use of English language, I had someone in mind until the "his reaction" comment. It is not Mom, Rach, Kimmy, Sue, Jan, Siobh, Stace, Krista or Rhonda.
Words like "cuz" and "snuff" used in conjunction with "deduce" and "deduction" in the same sentence tell me the man in question is bright, but does not proofread. It is not Pokey.
"Our summer" suggests either the inclusion of another family member(s) this is not Junior (sorry man, not our fault you can't...y'know...seal the deal).
The time of comment gives little on its own, but in concurrence with the facts I have presented provides a clear picture of my mystery man. It is not Gil, 12:30 is snooze time. There was also a lack of ...'s.
Eeyore wouldn't bother, Polo don't care, K-Man has the quick wit, nevertheless the fact is that 12:30 rules out my Ontarian child toting friends.
So, my wordy, bright, witty friend; who I may or may not see this summer, with your brood, who is up late on the computer (taking into consideration the time differential), who has at one time or another considered letting me pee the pain of a jellyfish or bee bite away. I welcome your challenge and conclude that 'tis none other than Den (boner), whose internet provider is Shaw cable from a location in Northern Edmonton, whose out click was the comments window from 12:25 ish to 12:30ish.
Now for a Shakespearean bitch slap:
Thou tottering spur-galled hedge-pig!
Thou tottering dread-bolted pumpion!
Oh I got a million of 'em.
Thursday, May 11, 2006
10 things to do before I die
10. Urinate on a Jelly Fish sting (on someone else), tropical vacation anyone?
9. Wrestle Wheels (we usually do this in a moving vehicle on way to or from bar) and win, wait a second, what's that on your forehead?. Woooo!
8. Buy a Jetski with extra features, like integrated deep sea fishing gear. And go swordfishing.
7. Buy a Motorcycle that is impossible to tip, I'll show them!
6. Forehead slap my boss with a moist hand (moist with what??? See #10). Chromiest dome ever.
5. Stand on my desk and sing partial score to HMS Pinafore, "He remains an English Man!" and be escorted off premises by security.
4. Try to roll a smart car down a hillside by myself with no keys or hydraulics.
3. Intentionally destroy one house (bungalow preferrable) with a Humvee wearing a road hockey mask and Isotoner gloves, oh and maybe these.
2. Go on a tropical vacation with the Eeyores, Polos or Wheels'. (See # 10) Hey, somebody's going to have to save ya buddy! I swear what happens on vacation stays on vacation...PFF!
1. Create and become CEO of HappyGapper Lager. Hilarious surprises at the bottom of each bottle! Imagine the possibilities!
9. Wrestle Wheels (we usually do this in a moving vehicle on way to or from bar) and win, wait a second, what's that on your forehead?. Woooo!
8. Buy a Jetski with extra features, like integrated deep sea fishing gear. And go swordfishing.
7. Buy a Motorcycle that is impossible to tip, I'll show them!
6. Forehead slap my boss with a moist hand (moist with what??? See #10). Chromiest dome ever.
5. Stand on my desk and sing partial score to HMS Pinafore, "He remains an English Man!" and be escorted off premises by security.
4. Try to roll a smart car down a hillside by myself with no keys or hydraulics.
3. Intentionally destroy one house (bungalow preferrable) with a Humvee wearing a road hockey mask and Isotoner gloves, oh and maybe these.
2. Go on a tropical vacation with the Eeyores, Polos or Wheels'. (See # 10) Hey, somebody's going to have to save ya buddy! I swear what happens on vacation stays on vacation...PFF!
1. Create and become CEO of HappyGapper Lager. Hilarious surprises at the bottom of each bottle! Imagine the possibilities!
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Let's talk sports
Edmonton is down 2-0 in their best of 7 series against the Sharks from San Jose.
Prediction: Edmonton will tie the series at 2 and the Roloson will poop his jock and stink up Rexall to lose the series in 6 games.
Carolina is up 2-0 against the New Jersey Devils.
Prediction: The devil's are about to be cast out of Lord Stanley's presence...yet again.
Ottawa is Down 2-0 against the Buffalo Sabres
Prediction: And to steal (and modify) a quote from my dear brother LP:
The smell of panic will hang in the Buffalo Sabres Locker Room like a shitbag on fire. They'll sweat, they'll cry, Ryan Miller will make farting noises, but not on purpose. He'll spend his last game sobbing in the blue ice that preceeds the red line to the cage where so many pucks passed moments before.
Yeah, Ottawa is a lock to come back.
As for the rest? Who cares? They aren't in my pool! Good luck to my opponents, you will be dealt with swiftly and unjustly. Dad! gimme a beer (loser of this pool gets to serve me my whiskey at the next family gathering). Muhaha!
Prediction: Edmonton will tie the series at 2 and the Roloson will poop his jock and stink up Rexall to lose the series in 6 games.
Carolina is up 2-0 against the New Jersey Devils.
Prediction: The devil's are about to be cast out of Lord Stanley's presence...yet again.
Ottawa is Down 2-0 against the Buffalo Sabres
Prediction: And to steal (and modify) a quote from my dear brother LP:
The smell of panic will hang in the Buffalo Sabres Locker Room like a shitbag on fire. They'll sweat, they'll cry, Ryan Miller will make farting noises, but not on purpose. He'll spend his last game sobbing in the blue ice that preceeds the red line to the cage where so many pucks passed moments before.
Yeah, Ottawa is a lock to come back.
As for the rest? Who cares? They aren't in my pool! Good luck to my opponents, you will be dealt with swiftly and unjustly. Dad! gimme a beer (loser of this pool gets to serve me my whiskey at the next family gathering). Muhaha!
I been called up!
My days of pushing paper and tapping the keyboard for peanuts is over
I got an assignment as Crewing officer for 5 months, and I'm going to push paper and tap keyboards for almonds!
Now I have the motivation I need to start Blogging from home, because these people will fire my ass for doing that from work.
I got an assignment as Crewing officer for 5 months, and I'm going to push paper and tap keyboards for almonds!
Now I have the motivation I need to start Blogging from home, because these people will fire my ass for doing that from work.
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
Energy drinks vs. loaded coffee
Something I submitted to a humor site looking for some odd science experiments. Thanks for the invite Mariann! I know (now) the new contests are located at the bottom of the page. I may be out of my league after having leafed through the archives.
Hypothesis: will coffee with sugar or full calorie red bull create the best work environment for me without the use of alcohol. Keeping in mind I don’t drink coffee or energy drinks.
Plan of attack: I will drink one Energy drink every half hour until I reach 6 drinks on Monday, Tuesday I will do the same but with Coffee and compare the two.
What went down:
7:59 AM – begin first energy Drink
8:10 – the drinks taste far less awful than I anticipated
8:18 – Finished first drink, feelin groovy.
8:30 – Begin second drink
8:33 – Begin feeling effects of first drink: alertness, ambition and abundance of energy
8:42 – Half way through second drink. No longer able to pronounce millititers… milililiters…mitillilers…
8:50 – Two down: Woooooo!
8:52 – let’s kick it up a notch, over the lips and past the gums, look out liver here it comes! Feeling light headed and very energetic. A game of Office dodge ball ensues.
9:05 – Next one cracked open, might as well get this over with!
9:10 – Je commence a parler en Français avec mes collègues. C'est bizarre parceque aucun de mes collègues parle français.
9:11 – I’m sweating profusely but haven’t moved from my cubicle since I took out my manager with a dodge (paper) ball. Heart is racing and I’m hot and cold at the same time. Paranoia is setting in.
9:12 – What was that, I swear a cockroach just crawled into my pant legs. I stop shy of pulling my pants off.
9:13 – Half of an energy drink left and I am tossing it. I am a shaking nervous mess.
9:15 – Outlook reminds me I have meeting with the Director of Maritime Services in 15 minutes.
10:30 – 1 gallon of water consumed during meeting, still sweating. Notepad is field of incoherent garbled tosh. Director asked me several times if I needed a break. “Millilitres…Nah I’m good”. A slight glare follows.
11:03 – I have eaten my lunches and am now eyeing the forbidden snack box.
11:45 – Feeling sleepy, I am considering having a pick me up. That half can is still there.
4:00 – Not sure I accomplished anything but I’ll go home and nap for a few hours to restore myself.
Conclusion:
The labels should be read before drinking these, apparently 2 is the maximum recommended daily dose. I opted out of the coffee experiment because I don’t believe any good can come of it. Did I get wings? Not so much wings as an S.C.U.D. missile firmly nestled in my nether region propelling me to the highest of highs, and then drop me (Anola Gay like) to the earth at a speed not yet recorded by man or machine. All that is left is 3 1/2 empty cans as proof that at one time a man existed here.
Hypothesis: will coffee with sugar or full calorie red bull create the best work environment for me without the use of alcohol. Keeping in mind I don’t drink coffee or energy drinks.
Plan of attack: I will drink one Energy drink every half hour until I reach 6 drinks on Monday, Tuesday I will do the same but with Coffee and compare the two.
What went down:
7:59 AM – begin first energy Drink
8:10 – the drinks taste far less awful than I anticipated
8:18 – Finished first drink, feelin groovy.
8:30 – Begin second drink
8:33 – Begin feeling effects of first drink: alertness, ambition and abundance of energy
8:42 – Half way through second drink. No longer able to pronounce millititers… milililiters…mitillilers…
8:50 – Two down: Woooooo!
8:52 – let’s kick it up a notch, over the lips and past the gums, look out liver here it comes! Feeling light headed and very energetic. A game of Office dodge ball ensues.
9:05 – Next one cracked open, might as well get this over with!
9:10 – Je commence a parler en Français avec mes collègues. C'est bizarre parceque aucun de mes collègues parle français.
9:11 – I’m sweating profusely but haven’t moved from my cubicle since I took out my manager with a dodge (paper) ball. Heart is racing and I’m hot and cold at the same time. Paranoia is setting in.
9:12 – What was that, I swear a cockroach just crawled into my pant legs. I stop shy of pulling my pants off.
9:13 – Half of an energy drink left and I am tossing it. I am a shaking nervous mess.
9:15 – Outlook reminds me I have meeting with the Director of Maritime Services in 15 minutes.
10:30 – 1 gallon of water consumed during meeting, still sweating. Notepad is field of incoherent garbled tosh. Director asked me several times if I needed a break. “Millilitres…Nah I’m good”. A slight glare follows.
11:03 – I have eaten my lunches and am now eyeing the forbidden snack box.
11:45 – Feeling sleepy, I am considering having a pick me up. That half can is still there.
4:00 – Not sure I accomplished anything but I’ll go home and nap for a few hours to restore myself.
Conclusion:
The labels should be read before drinking these, apparently 2 is the maximum recommended daily dose. I opted out of the coffee experiment because I don’t believe any good can come of it. Did I get wings? Not so much wings as an S.C.U.D. missile firmly nestled in my nether region propelling me to the highest of highs, and then drop me (Anola Gay like) to the earth at a speed not yet recorded by man or machine. All that is left is 3 1/2 empty cans as proof that at one time a man existed here.
Monday, May 08, 2006
You think your weekend was fun?
Let me tell you about my Saturday night (briefly).
Involved was:
An assortment of import beer, some talk of Mexicans, a stay in a cottage that rivals thoughts of my dream home, chocolate cake eaten from the center by the utensil full (they could have been using butter knives for all I know), Johnny Cash music, three trees worth of firewood (Gary is a pyro.), a set of burnt socks (what was I thinking? Sorry Jan), a bunny trail that may of may not contain one (dead by car) rabbit buried about 6 inches down soaked in beer (one for my homies) and what might have ended up as a midnight quad ride, had the neighbor stayed to visit just a little longer.
The brakes on the car weren’t done because it wasn’t that kind of weekend, but I promise it will next week; just as long as there is nothing better to do! Is there a hockey game this weekend?
Involved was:
An assortment of import beer, some talk of Mexicans, a stay in a cottage that rivals thoughts of my dream home, chocolate cake eaten from the center by the utensil full (they could have been using butter knives for all I know), Johnny Cash music, three trees worth of firewood (Gary is a pyro.), a set of burnt socks (what was I thinking? Sorry Jan), a bunny trail that may of may not contain one (dead by car) rabbit buried about 6 inches down soaked in beer (one for my homies) and what might have ended up as a midnight quad ride, had the neighbor stayed to visit just a little longer.
The brakes on the car weren’t done because it wasn’t that kind of weekend, but I promise it will next week; just as long as there is nothing better to do! Is there a hockey game this weekend?
Friday, May 05, 2006
Do you know how to...
I decided to take this afternoon off to spend some time doing some car maintenance and repair for my new girlfriend (second grade oooooooh, with fingers pointed in ridicule). I'm doing a brake job.
This can go one of two ways: without a hitch or as I am better known, with several complications and spare parts after the job is "done". I can almost see my Dad wincing at the thought of me jacking a motor vehicle into the air to work on something. Don't worry pop, we learned our lesson about blocking up machinery at low low cost of some loss of function to my right hand. Long story.
I've done the research and read the material requirements, and I'm feeling lucky. So for the sake of my readers, you will either read a post over the weekend entitled: "Why we were unable to drive to the cottage this weekend." or maybe: "Greetings from Sarnia General!" or: "The weekend at the cottage!" which means I actually made the repairs and got the vehicle road-worthy.
Let's see here.
Replacement brake pads... Check!
Replacement Rotors... Check!
Brake pad Grease (not for the face)... Check
Step eight: Simply push the piston back to its full open position...
Piston?
Maybe Midas will get a call yet.
Thursday, May 04, 2006
Bill's quandary
He loved her like no other… their romance had developed quickly, like the rapid growth of farm swine, which grow from 2 to 4 pounds daily until they’re fully grown and put to market for slaughter… or like the rapidly growing cells that produce moose antlers until they fall off in early spring… suddenly Bill sensed the imminent doom of his romance lying in wait.
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
Getting to know you...
Okay so I figured I've passed enough of these things around, I'll post it here and send links instead. For your reading pleasure here are a list of...
Four Jobs I’ve Had (before the age of 22)
Oil Rig Roughneck
Long Haul Pig/Cattle Truck Driver (I f'n hate pigs)
Firefighter/First responder (volunteer)
CIBC teller (one of these things just don’t belong here…)
Four Movies I Can Watch Over and Over
Fight Club (The first rule of Fight club…)
Reservoir Dogs (Nice guy Eddie died this year)
Rounders (Because I am a poker superstar, not!)
Dogma (hard to pick only one Kevin Smith movie, but Buddy Christ tipped the scale)
Four TV Shows I Love to Watch
Sports Centre (because I'm always too busy to watch the game... or something)
TSN Friday Night Football (CFL)
Inked (Because I want to get a full body Dragon tattoo, pff)
Survivor ( I would like to live in a society that allows you to kick people off your island ,”you there! Get off my planet!”)
Four Favourite Cities
Saskatoon (Bridge City)
Halifax (Beer City)
Montreal (good memories)
Calgary (Red Mile during Stampede City)
Four Favourite Dishes
Lasagne (Like my Mommy makes)
Shellfish pasta (not for the reason you’re thinking)
Steak (Because I'm grade "A" prairie beef... stop laughing!)
Seafood (I like fish)
Four Websites I Visit Daily (or pretty close)
Savage Chickens
Riderville
Mariann Simms (Bulwer Lytton Winner 2003)
Pedersen Media
Four Places I’d Rather Be
Saskatchewan (it is the land of living skies y’know!)
Ireland (I’m part redhead shit disturber)
Edmonton (playoff time)
Woodstock
Four things I would rather gouge my eyes our than do, but do anyway
Strike (please sir, I want some more...)
Pack moving boxes
Fill out Census forms (I actually poked my eye last night as I filled this out)
clean out triple decking after unloading pigs (filthy f'n animals)
Four things I look forward to
Grey Cup 2006 in Winnipeg
Meeting my first born Child (no, I don't have any that I don't know about)
Grey Cup 2007 in Toronto
Aging gracefully (yeah gracefully and me don't mix)
So there you have it, between profile pics, comments and posts, you must know me pretty well now.
Four Jobs I’ve Had (before the age of 22)
Oil Rig Roughneck
Long Haul Pig/Cattle Truck Driver (I f'n hate pigs)
Firefighter/First responder (volunteer)
CIBC teller (one of these things just don’t belong here…)
Four Movies I Can Watch Over and Over
Fight Club (The first rule of Fight club…)
Reservoir Dogs (Nice guy Eddie died this year)
Rounders (Because I am a poker superstar, not!)
Dogma (hard to pick only one Kevin Smith movie, but Buddy Christ tipped the scale)
Four TV Shows I Love to Watch
Sports Centre (because I'm always too busy to watch the game... or something)
TSN Friday Night Football (CFL)
Inked (Because I want to get a full body Dragon tattoo, pff)
Survivor ( I would like to live in a society that allows you to kick people off your island ,”you there! Get off my planet!”)
Four Favourite Cities
Saskatoon (Bridge City)
Halifax (Beer City)
Montreal (good memories)
Calgary (Red Mile during Stampede City)
Four Favourite Dishes
Lasagne (Like my Mommy makes)
Shellfish pasta (not for the reason you’re thinking)
Steak (Because I'm grade "A" prairie beef... stop laughing!)
Seafood (I like fish)
Four Websites I Visit Daily (or pretty close)
Savage Chickens
Riderville
Mariann Simms (Bulwer Lytton Winner 2003)
Pedersen Media
Four Places I’d Rather Be
Saskatchewan (it is the land of living skies y’know!)
Ireland (I’m part redhead shit disturber)
Edmonton (playoff time)
Woodstock
Four things I would rather gouge my eyes our than do, but do anyway
Strike (please sir, I want some more...)
Pack moving boxes
Fill out Census forms (I actually poked my eye last night as I filled this out)
clean out triple decking after unloading pigs (filthy f'n animals)
Four things I look forward to
Grey Cup 2006 in Winnipeg
Meeting my first born Child (no, I don't have any that I don't know about)
Grey Cup 2007 in Toronto
Aging gracefully (yeah gracefully and me don't mix)
So there you have it, between profile pics, comments and posts, you must know me pretty well now.
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
Happy Gapper talks to Telemarketer
Entertaining me is what they get paid for, so don't judge me.
HG - Hello
TM- Hello sir, I'm calling on behalf of London Free Press to offer you a free subscription for 4 weeks that will be delivered to your door daily.
HG - Hmm? wha... sorry I dozed off there. Who am I speaking with?
TM- Yes sir, my name is Tamara and I'm calling on behalf of London Free Press to offer you....
Tamara is interrupted by the phone being dropped to the hard wood floor. Gapper listens as he picks up the handset, Tamara is puzzled but patient.
HG- hello?
TM- Helllo sir
HG- Sorry I just worked a 16 hour shift I'm a little beat, my girlfriend got mad at me for doing the same thing to her, so you're not alone.
TM- Hahaha, that's okay sir, I just wanted to tell you about out promotional offer...
Gapper lets out a yawn that would intimidate a grizzly.
HG- Wooo that's better, got the blood moving now, sorry Tamara, you got me a little dozy there, I just need to get something to drink so I don't croak at you.
TM- Sir, is there a better time to call you?
HG- well I'm up now we might as well hear what you have to say right?
TM- Yes sir, but if you are occupied I could....
HG (interrupting) Nonesense, just give me a quick second.
Gapper simulates the process of looking through cupboards, drawers slamming and cans rolling. Finally Gapper settles on a beer from the fridge (this is obvious due to all the clinking and so on).
HG- Okay I'm sat down and ready to go, what are you selling?
TM- Alright, I am calling on behalf of the London Free Press to offer you a free subscription for 4 weeks that will be delivered to your door daily. All we need is your full name and address and you should receive your first copy in the next week.
HG- Wow, that is a good deal!
TM- Yes sir, so can you please spell your street name for me?
Hg- Oh I'd love to but see the thing is I can't spell, I never learned.
TM- That's okay sir, if you can pronounce it for me slowly I can figure it out.
Now the part that concerns me is that she is trying to sell someone a News paper that can't read. I become a little caught off guard because I figured she would have caught on and hung up or backed off. Busted.
So I revert to the Seinfeld escape...
HG- Listen Tamara, I'd love to hear some more, but I'm a little pressed for time, I just realized I need to pick my kid up at the neighbor's can I get your number and call you back?
TM-Well sir this is a call center and we can't receive incoming calls.
HG-Oh, what about a home number?
TM- We have to keep our home numbers confidential.
HG-Because you don't want anyone to call you and bother you at home?
Click, Tamara hangs up and likely recounts the hundreds of times she has been duped by some bored ninny like me. In my weaker moments I almost feel sorry for them. Then I remember that they are paid to entertain me.
HG - Hello
TM- Hello sir, I'm calling on behalf of London Free Press to offer you a free subscription for 4 weeks that will be delivered to your door daily.
HG - Hmm? wha... sorry I dozed off there. Who am I speaking with?
TM- Yes sir, my name is Tamara and I'm calling on behalf of London Free Press to offer you....
Tamara is interrupted by the phone being dropped to the hard wood floor. Gapper listens as he picks up the handset, Tamara is puzzled but patient.
HG- hello?
TM- Helllo sir
HG- Sorry I just worked a 16 hour shift I'm a little beat, my girlfriend got mad at me for doing the same thing to her, so you're not alone.
TM- Hahaha, that's okay sir, I just wanted to tell you about out promotional offer...
Gapper lets out a yawn that would intimidate a grizzly.
HG- Wooo that's better, got the blood moving now, sorry Tamara, you got me a little dozy there, I just need to get something to drink so I don't croak at you.
TM- Sir, is there a better time to call you?
HG- well I'm up now we might as well hear what you have to say right?
TM- Yes sir, but if you are occupied I could....
HG (interrupting) Nonesense, just give me a quick second.
Gapper simulates the process of looking through cupboards, drawers slamming and cans rolling. Finally Gapper settles on a beer from the fridge (this is obvious due to all the clinking and so on).
HG- Okay I'm sat down and ready to go, what are you selling?
TM- Alright, I am calling on behalf of the London Free Press to offer you a free subscription for 4 weeks that will be delivered to your door daily. All we need is your full name and address and you should receive your first copy in the next week.
HG- Wow, that is a good deal!
TM- Yes sir, so can you please spell your street name for me?
Hg- Oh I'd love to but see the thing is I can't spell, I never learned.
TM- That's okay sir, if you can pronounce it for me slowly I can figure it out.
Now the part that concerns me is that she is trying to sell someone a News paper that can't read. I become a little caught off guard because I figured she would have caught on and hung up or backed off. Busted.
So I revert to the Seinfeld escape...
HG- Listen Tamara, I'd love to hear some more, but I'm a little pressed for time, I just realized I need to pick my kid up at the neighbor's can I get your number and call you back?
TM-Well sir this is a call center and we can't receive incoming calls.
HG-Oh, what about a home number?
TM- We have to keep our home numbers confidential.
HG-Because you don't want anyone to call you and bother you at home?
Click, Tamara hangs up and likely recounts the hundreds of times she has been duped by some bored ninny like me. In my weaker moments I almost feel sorry for them. Then I remember that they are paid to entertain me.
Oilers Rule
*This just in: I have discovered a "Hetero Man Crush on Dwayne Roloson"
- Courtesy of Junior
So I live an hour from Detroit, where the population generally follows the Leafs or the Red Wings. With the Leafs out, there are a few more Wings fans strutting about. I have an Oiler Jersey. So far there hasn't been so much as an eyebrow raised in my direction, so I'm going to wear this sucker every day until the Oilers win the cup, to remind the locals that West is Best. Or at the very least get into some witty banter with some fellow mouth breathers.
Monday, May 01, 2006
Boys of summer
Ball season starts today. The Preffered Towing 2-pitch team will be re-christened Puck Around. The local sports pub (and I mean local, they are across the streeet from the ball diamonds.... Tuesdays are going to suck) sponsored us with some new shirts and hats, not to mention munchies and beer after the games... Tuesdays are going to suck.
We dropped a few players and added a few, somehow I slid through the process, I think it might be because my buddy runs the team, and I look after the beer fund. The politics in 2-pitch beer league baseball are callous. I'd like to thank...
So a new look team with the same old adage: "We don't have to win them all, but if we lose to the boys from the Jail, we're all doing pushups until we vomit." - Pollo
Or the ever popular: "Anybody who flies out, puts 5$ in the kitty... for beer". - Eeyore
Then there's: "Whatever.": - Steveo
But the most common quote among us fielders: "The lights were right in line with the ball and I lost it." - Jim(that'd be me), Wheels, Garry, J-Rod, SteveO, Bob, L.B., etc...
Things look good this year though, the weather is nicer and we a re playing double-headers all season. I like it a lot.
Check back tommorow for an update, I'll list the injuries I contract, aswell as whether we won or lost... depending on how bad. If nothing else.. I'll write about how many beer we went through... might make a better story after a long offseason (baseball, not beer drinking... never beer drinking).
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