Is this about me?

Junior: Hi, I'm Junior and I live here in Cowtown, with my wife Maria Sharapova. [Maria slides behind Junior, as though on a conveyer belt, holding a laundry basket while on the phone.] She’s great with the kids, the house, everything. Oh, I don’t know how she does it. We’ve got a daughter Ally… [Ally slides behind Junior, holding a doll.] and twin two year old boys. [The twins slide behind him, facing the other way.] It’s not really about the kids. My parents live across the street. [Mommy and Daddy slide behind Junior – Mommy is stirring a bowl, and Daddy is shaving.] That’s right, and my brother lives with them. Now not every family would go by on a conveyer belt for you, but mine would because… [Jim slides by.]

Jim: Everybody Loves Junior.

Junior: Yea, yea, yea.

[Jim is sat at the kitchen table at Mommy’s house. There are cartons and cartons of Chinese food on the table. He is miserable. Junior enters.]

Junior: Hey.

Jim: Hey.

Junior: Is mom here?

Jim: She’s upstairs hitting my speed bag. How’s the team?

Junior: Oh, well, we really missed you out there, Jim…

Jim: Oh?

Junior: Yea. Yea, you wanna come back.

Jim: You guys want me back?

Junior: Yea, sure, come on, you’re the best player out there. We need you.

Jim: So, you’re asking me to be captain?

Junior: [sits down] No, no. I’m still gonna be captain.

Jim: You are a piece of work.

Junior: Look, come on, don’t you see? It’s still in the family. It’s just like you’re captain, only I’m captain.

Jim: Won’t that be cosy.

Junior: Look, just think about it. You come back and you help us win the championship. The whole team will be happy. And you won’t be mad anymore, so ma’ll be happy. And you can help me. You can help me with some of the lesser captaining responsibilities, and I can spend more time with my family. Then they’ll be happy.

Jim: So, once again, you get everything.

Junior: No, no, it’s not everything. That’s like.... four things.

Jim: Well, thanks for thinking of me Junior, but I’m just gonna have to pass.

Junior: What, pass? You can’t pass Jim. We can’t do it without you. Come on. You’re the missing link.

Jim: I’ve heard that before.

Junior: I’ll tell you what. Just come back. Come back for the playoffs and next year I’ll make sure you’re captain. I promise.

Jim: Well, I appreciate it, but I’m just gonna have to pursue another option.

Junior: Another option? With who?

Jim: Wo Hop’s Chinese takeout. [indicates the Chinese food] They put a very lovely offer on the table. Kung pao.

Jim is happy with a moral victory over Junior, who seems to get everything while Jim is left with the spoils.

The characters and incidents portrayed and the names used herein are fictitious and any resemblance to the names, character, or history of any person is coincidental and unintentional.

Rest assured, I was a very happy and loved child. Junior's just a freak.