Spring time

You likely noticed I'm counting the days to a few things over the next year. Today feels like spring, warm and sunny, grass smell in the air and my hankering to get outside and throw the ball and get a beer or two in me while grilling a steak. The other countdown I should have there is to the end of work, which is a mere 6 hours away.

If any of my co-Ridervillians stop in, say hi, and welcome!

Well, could be worse!

husbandonstrike.com
(Link removed)

Not that I would take a side in this matter, but a man's house is his castle... Nobody said it wasn't the woman's aswell! Good luck with that buddy! Hahahaha, you're screwed.

Homestead Part One

Growing up in a small farming community in South-Eastern Saskatchewan, You learned to do without certain things. Our house was on the outside of town, a two story almost perfectly cubed 4 bedroom structure that could be seen across the creek from most spots in town, because of the elevation and white color. Bellegarde is a town of about 35 people, but its population lies far beyond the meager “town limits”. There was little available to us immediately, but in this Hamlet we once had a Co-op hardware store, a Grocery store, and to the best of my knowledge, the town still has a Credit Union, a meeting hall (which used to double as the school gymnasium), Church, School, Post Office and Hockey Arena. The next town was Redvers or Antler, and depending on what you needed, both offered different services. Most of what we ate was from the enormous garden my Mother kept, with massive amounts of potatoes, corn, carrots and other items that could be stored, or pickled.

Bellegarde was (and still is) the center for a large number of farm families, it’s the place you traveled to on Sunday for church occasionally followed by a school fundraiser breakfast and/or volleyball tournament, and in winter it was where the general population of able bodied skaters gathered for a game of “shinny”, which would last for hours and would see the teams morph as the fresh legs arrived. The net on the waiting room side was pushed up as far as the home team blue line to ensure a sanctuary for the beginners and non-hockey enthusiast kids (which were rare) to skate.

The windows of the waiting room were most often lined with the images of parents, uncles, aunts and cousins peering through the windows at the action on the ice. There were also those who chose to play tag rather than subject themselves to the cold un-insulated natural ice rink that we have always had.

Monday to Friday was school time for my older brothers and I spent most of my days outdoors playing, building, or much to Dad’s dismay, taking things apart, and discovering new and exciting uses for his tools. He would be quick to point out that I lost more than I used and he would be right, but sometimes I never had the nerve to tell him what fate had befallen his new socket wrench set.

Our farmyard was structurally populated by two garages on the West side of the large gravel driveway which led north past the house and our front yard about ¼ of a mile past the massive garden, to the main road to town, which we referred to as the “correction line”. A little deeper to the West side of the drive was a chicken coop, and a small fenced off portion of yard for the newly hatched chicks to roam until they were big enough to graduate to the Chicken pens located at the South end of the property on the other side of our humble pasture nestled near the pig shed, and a few grain storage bins, which were small sheds converted to serve the purpose of protecting grain and feed from the elements.

On the East side of the drive was the main shed. It was most likely a machinery storage shed in a former life, but being that we weren’t grain farming, our family had no such machinery, so it was mostly used for my entertainment... as far as I can remember anyway.

The farm was one of my favorite memories of childhood, but with the good comes the bizarre, the bad and the funny. Next installment I'll tell you about my favorite spot on the farm.

The perdeh gal made me duit

One of the most notorious drunk drivers in the Ottawa area has been found not criminally responsible on his latest impaired driving charges because of a mental disorder that makes him believe female celebrities are controlling his actions.

I'll be honest, there are a few of MY actions that some celebrities control. None of which will be elaborated upon here, for fear of the discovery of a mental illness.... I've said too much.

Going to the show!

That's right, I'm going to watch the Saskatchewan Roughriders next November in Winnipeg. And I'm bringing Wheels. Section H1 Row 4, who knows we may get to catch an overthrown endzone pass... not by the Riders though, of course. They are down to the bitter last few tickets so If you plan on going I suggest you get those tickets ASAP. Dare I predict and Eastern opponent? (because I must faithfully cheer on my Riders) I boldly predict the Hamilton Ti-Cats to see the Grey cup this year, as they leave the field while the Riders celebrate.

Wanna make your brain hurt?

Try this game, my personal best is a hair over 19 seconds, the best I've heard of is 22 seconds.

Did I mention it is a slow day? Well it is.


*****************UPDATE********************

I rule!!!!! Game on.

My readers

scanning my site meter I see a lot of strange visits. Govenment of Canada logging in for 70 minutes at times, readers from Japan who spend zero time, or the odd Australian cat that checks it out and leaves kudos. Or the fellow Gapper closing down his bar and having a well deserved end of day brew while he guffaws at my satire, or scarfed hilarity.

Or how about that crazy french bastard from somewhere in Quebec reading my stuff at 5:45 AM ET, that's dedication. I tip my hat to you sir or maddam, and hope that it's not some vile stomach flu placing you in front of the computer at the wee hours of the AM. Futhermore I hope the content doesn't cause too much boredom, or, initiate the pondering of questions like: "What the hell am I doing, surfing the net at 5AM? I must be losing my mind, bad enough I'm going to need a nap at lunch, but staying up to read this? C-R-A-Z-Y."

So to all of you who read this, may I say to you, get out of your computer chair, stretch your legs and check back often!

Does this look familliar to you?

I thought it was really well done and very clever.

Debunking the Rookie Race

I was pretty sure Alexander Ovechkin was going to take Rookie of the year honors.... Until I looked a little closer at the stats.

Player / Games Played / Goals / Assists / Game winners

Ovechkin / 66 / 44 / 41 / 4
Crosby / 68 / 31 / 45 / 4

Now at a glance you can make the case for Ovechkin being the top rookie because he has more points. But if this were the rule by which talent is measured, Martin Brodeur would never had been rookie of the year.

Now let's see who's helping the team most. Ovechkin's Capitals are one spot on top of Crosby's Penguins... Not a real clear winner there.

All that aside these are both excellent players. But in my mind Crosby is the better player. Let me explain:

Shots on goal... Ovechkin leads the NHL with 340, he scores on 12.9 % of his shots, 223rd in the NHL.

Crosby has 233 shots and he scores on 13.3% of his shots... not a lot better, but there's also all of those assists.

Recently Ovechkin was benched for not following coache's orders. Crosby is and Alternate Captain. Crosby is 21st in the NHL in assists. The only Penguin in the top 65. This may account for some lack of productivity on the "G" column. Ovechkin is alone for Washington in assists for a lot longer than 65, but with 340 shots on net, I'm not sure anyone else touches the puck! Kolzig might aswell take a shot too.

The Whining factor is my only annoyance with the kid, but he's just that; a kid. Chances are that this will be the last year we see pimply faced tantrums.

On the whole, Ovechkin has proven a more talented rookie. Crosby has proven a franchise player. Who do I pick for rookie of the year?

Henrik Lundqvist of the New York Rangers, and a close second, Deon Phaneuf of the Calgary Flames. Too bad they had to live in the shadows of the "phenoms" this year.

He's a daddy again!

~~~~~~~~Picture removed at the request of Papa Puddytat, but here's another!~~~~~~~~


That poor little girl looks petrified... "Umm dad, if you're going to sneeze this violently, maybe you should put me down!"

Leave it to Sly to send me the goofiest picture he could possibly find... attaboy!

She's a little cutie though, her name is Trinity Nicole. Anoda fine puddytat.

It's on now!

"So, Scientology, you have won THIS battle, but the million-year war for Earth has just begun," the pair wrote.
"Temporarily anozinizing our episode will NOT stop us from keeping Thetans forever trapped in your pitiful man-bodies. Curses and drat! You have obstructed us for now, but your feeble bid to save humanity will fail! Hail Xenu!!!"

This was from a statement released by Trey Parker and Matt Stone reference the re-airing of an episode where the creators of South Park take a poke at this new "religion", that has among its followers such high profile people as Tom Cruise and Isdaac Hayes (the voice for Chef from the show). Aparently Tommy's in a ruffle over it because it pokes fun at his religion, and wants the episode pulled, which it was.

Glad to see the boys took it all very seriously! And now for your reading pleasure and education.... a brief blurb about the "thetan" and "Xenu".... Kind of astonishing really.

In the doctrines of Scientology, a body thetan is a thetan who is 'stuck' in, on or near a body because they have lost their free will as a result of an event in their past. There are many types of events which result in a thetan losing its free will.

They cease being a body thetan when free will is restored. There are several Scientology counselling 'processes' which help a body thetan restore free will.

A body thetan (or group(s) of them) can contribute to a person being sick or having difficulty with a body part.

Body thetans are first addressed in Scientology counselling level OT III (Operating Thetan level 3), as part of the revelations about Xenu. On this level one learns that many body thetans are the disembodied souls of the billions of space aliens brought to Earth and blown up by nuclear bombs by evil galactic overlord Xenu.

A thetan who is just 'hanging around' of their own free will, perhaps to become a woman's next child, is not (necessarily) a body thetan.

Wow and I though Pentecosts were weird.

Ramblings of a not so mad man

Top o the afternoon to ya.

Blogger is experiencing difficulties... again.

Well, news today? An 80 year old lady was just carted out of a Irish style pub downtown by an ambulance.... we watched from our perch here on the 6th floor... I figure she was Pished.

Did laundry last night... got to the laundromat, it was empty.... empty laundromat is like xanadu to Gapper... 2 minutes later, strange, extremely twitchy man stomps in buys 3 bags of chips and 2 hot chocolates from vending machine... has no laundry other than current garb... hoping this does not require wash.... walks close by... it does, but not today I guess... Twitchy eats, reads magazines, nervously paces the floors eyeing anyone who walks near him (fortress of solitude is now populated by many).... I do all my laundry (all I could carry), and leave... Twitchy is still in there grunting and pacing... still no sign of his laundry.

2 hours until quitting time... have a splitting headache... just been informed that S.O.L. has same stomach flu that I just got over... God be with her.... might I suggest bite plate and handlebars near toilet.... also for her... a pony tail elastic or two.... don't forget a bucket near toilet.... yup... good times.

Sting game tonight? Not if Eeyore is holding S.O.L.'s hand through her "ordeal".... maybe Polo is up fer a brew... Haas.... that's Irish enough!... Klassen.... holy shit I'm on roll.... Perreaux.... welll.... the Rutherford in me longs to surface.... pished.

Japanese buddy Meeeeo wife arrives from Japan today... likely some jet lag.... no Meeeeo at the bar tonight.... too bad too, dude can boogie.... see him and wife tommorow...

Just spotted Senior Operations Officer dodging way into pub... know he'll be there for while... or at least til lunch over... or bar runs out of non-green beer.

Pokey hitch-hiking back to Canada from Afghanistan... interesting notion... thumbing across the ocean... will quit while I'm ahead.

Tis the season

As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point in the wrong direction!

Liquor and wh**es...

This should only be viewed by people with Trailer Park Boys sense of humor. Use your volume at your discretion.

The tablature is available on the internet... Nuff said! I got vocals.

You've got to fight... for your right.... To PAR-TEH!

Employees at office parties are considered to be at work until the boss leaves, a German court ruled in the case of an employee seeking damages for a head injury sustained at a company Christmas celebration.

The case came before the social affairs court in Frankfurt after an insurance company refused to pay disability to a man who suffered severe skull damage after slipping on the steps of a restaurant at his office Christmas party.

The court ruled the company's accident insurance would have to pay disability to the man because he was technically still at work, the court said in a statement on Thursday.

"Up until the end of a work-related gathering accident insurance coverage continues until it is officially over. If this time is not fixed, participants can assume it continues as long as the senior employee is present," the court said.

Now what if I'm driving the (hic) boss home and a deer crosses the road (hic) and I shmack em? (hic) what's gonna happen (hic) at court there, huh? Lookin inta the eyes of his mom (hic) "Sorry mama deer, your baby's dead because my boss is a bum an made me drive hims ass (hic) ome." Is the boss buyin my lawyer 'cause i'll git Cochrane... I'm not talkin bout Tom either... (hic), nope, I gonna get that fella what freed Apple juice...... y'know that dude, (hic) that races the cops in his van? You know? You must aquit... (hic) Yeah that guy. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Pokey's Perspective

You've seen the other "on the spot" interviews from Afghanistan, but The Happy Gapper asked these hard hitting questions for the rest of us who want to know alittle bit of the lesser knows issues when being a journalist abroad. Therefore The Happy Gapper is pleased to present this interview with Pokey the globetrotting Journalist/Superhero:

I call this segment Pokey's perspective, placing himself in precarious predicaments prompted by publishing (for the public) portraits and passages of the pursuits of people plotting to plunder our purity. And by purity I mean freedom.

So Pokey, I have a few Questions I would like you to answer... here's a towel...

Q: At what point did you realize (metaphorically) you were now in Afghanistan?
Well, it starts at the crack of dawn with the call to prayer and ends wiht the stench of the shit pond wafting into my tent every evening at about 8 p.m. But it really hit me when I was standing around like a schmo and a roadside bomb went off a few hundred feet away from me. I almost forgot to take the picture.

Q: What part of (or thing inside of) Afghanistan would you like to take with you back to Canada?
People here are ingenious. They make crap out of nothing. The other day, I was thinking if the world's electrical and oil and gas systems collapsed entirely we would be screwed but people here would just keep on going. Of course, that's not saying much given this is one of the poorest countries in the world. They're also very hospitable.

Q: Do you ever think (with racism and minority strife what it is in North America) maybe the locals are afraid of you?
No, but when I travel with baby-faced soldiers the locals sometimes think I'm the guy in charge because of my bushy beard.

Q: Did you ever consider hiding somewhere no one would find you?
Every night as I curled up in my sleeping bag on the sandy plateaus up north I imagined that's exactly what I was doing. And I slept like a baby!

Q: Are there half as many Sand castles there as I imagine there is?
Twice as many. Mostly they're made of mud tho, not sand.

Q: Is there an overpowering smell of Coppertone at the base?
No. Techincally, soldiers aren't supposed to be outside without a shirt on. But some people sneak the odd tanning session. Some of the people who work on the base for their entire tour have even built decks on their tents.

Q: What is the weirdest thing you have seen while covering any story outside of North America?
Pope-on-a-rope. Dog carrying human bone he determinedly dug out of a grave. Man-stripper-hermaphrodites entertaining local villagers, who incidentally believe female sexuality is EEEEvil. You pick.

Q: What is the absolute worst (recurring) task involved in travel abroad?
Always sit behind the guy who is 5-foot-2 but always -- ALWAYS -- feels the urgent need to put his seat all the way back for the entire flight. And packing. I dither when I pack and I always bring too much shit.

I would also like for pokey to recount for us, the most embarasing use of a foreign language he has ever experienced, maybe saying something very rude or embarassing, while thinking he is speaking clearly. C'mon poke, gotta give the people what they want!

Me in a nutshell

My horoscope says:

You're not mean-spirited -- not one tiny little bit. You can, however, be goaded -- at times -- into behavior that's beneath you. That only happens if someone shows anything less than total respect for a worthy cause or someone you love. If you've already warned them about this, or if you know they've heard about your recent dealings with someone impolite, you won't hesitate to come out with both guns blazing. And well you should.

Yup, sounds about right....

A pox!

Chambers Dictionary is looking to “delete” a few words.

Those Jobernowls plan to limit my attempts to become iogodaedalus by stating that a few seldom used words are incompossible with the more popular and frequently used words like éclair. Well my friends I promise this: supernaculum shall not exceed my attempts to preserve these treasures.

Wanna bet?

Anyone care to wager on the whereabouts of our dear Pokey?

"The operation began several days ago, but was kept under wraps for security reasons until yesterday when embedded reporters with The Canadian Press and the CBC were able to report the activities of the two companies from the Princess Patricia's Canadian Light Infantry."

Brave S.O.B.

Trade day

So the trade deadline fo rthe NHL came and went with some very small and unsurprising deals. Surprise Surprise; Toronto did nothing but ship off Klee. I would have sent McCabe, Belfour and Sundin down the pike.

Jose was the biggest news in my eyes, off to Colorado where hopefully he'll find his groove.... and his hair products.

Edmonton signed up Roloson, not a good showing last night, but hey, the guy doesn't have his custom paint yet.

Pittsburgh for some reason unloaded Recchi, one of the few standout players for the organization.

I was secretly hoping that Edmonton would make a run for some higher profile power forwards, but they did ok considering.

Blog?

Is this thing on? Testing testing ane two....

Two days of e-mails and bitching, I get teh following e-mail from support:


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Good thing this is free, or I'd have been super-pissed!

He ain't heavy...

Ok kids, here's a gem that my boss came across while in a waiting room in London, ON. A full page Q+A with Pokey. I have the actual paper, but found this on the web and pasted it here. I'll be sure to share it as much as I can. Even he was surprised by this one. By the way that Pic was by the Pokey-man aswell.

Assignment: Kandahar
Canadian troops assume a dangerous combat role in Afghanistan

"Pokey" of The Canadian Press is reporting on the activities of the Canadian forces as they assume a leading role in the security campaign in Afghanistan. What's Up? asked him for a rundown on what life is like for the soldiers serving there.

Question: What are the living quarters of the Canadian troops like?

Answer: Right now they have all sorts of living quarters. Some are living in eight-person tents that are spacious enough that everybody has a private two-metre-by-two-metre space. Others are crammed into BATs (the soldiers' acronym for Big-Assed Tents) where a couple hundred of them sleep in bunk beds and have no space at all. They all have access to hot showers and flush toilets.

Q: What's the weather like?

A: The weather is very pleasant right now, reaching into the 20s during the day and just below 10 at night. It rains occasionally, creating a lot of mud on the base. In a month or two, the temperature will reach above 40 during the day.

Q: What does a soldier do in an average shift?

A: There is no average shift. There are more than 2,000 soldiers on the base and almost as many jobs. About half of them are considered front-line soldiers. Some drive armoured vehicles, others patrol the countryside on foot and many are trying to chase down insurgents. The army has many trades, including cooks, drivers, mechanics, medics, administrators, planners, engineers, doctors, nurses, lawyers, police officers and many more.

Q: Do they get time off?

A: The soldiers have a little bit of time off during your average week. They have "Sunday routine," which isn't usually an entire day off but maybe half a day off, or just a lighter workload. It's the day many soldiers use to wash clothes, go to the gym or get extra sleep. Halfway through their tour of duty the soldiers get about two weeks off. Most go home for a quick visit, while others will go on vacation in places in Asia or Europe.

Q: What's the food like?

A: The food is good and bad. At the main base at Kandahar airfield, the food is supplied by a giant American company that serves many deep-fried foods and vegetables that aren't very good. At Camp Nathan Smith where a smaller group of Canadian soldiers are living, the food is cooked by Canadian soldiers. It's much better. The soldiers had poutine the other day, but they always have many healthy choices too. But at least the soldiers on the base have hot fresh food. The soldiers who are out in the hills eat meals like macaroni and cheese and stew right out of tin foil packets.

Q. How do you think most soldiers would describe the assignment? Boring? Scary? Challenging?

A: It depends. It's challenging for most of them. It's probably most scary for the soldiers who spend most of the time off base, such as the infantry troops. However most of those soldiers say they are happy to use their training. More than half of the soldiers never leave the base during their tour. Some of them do get pretty bored after a while.

Q: What are some of the biggest challenges they face?

A: For the soldiers who go on patrols the challenge is pretty obvious: to stay safe from attackers while doing their jobs. It's not easy. Many other soldiers have major projects, like building places for the soldiers to stay, that must be completed very rapidly. Almost all of the soldiers work very long hours, so staying healthy and well-rested is difficult for them.

Q. Do the troops mix much with local residents?

A: Because of the danger in southern Afghanistan, only a small number of the troops mix with local residents. The army's provincial reconstruction team in Kandahar probably mixes the most, working on projects to help rebuild the city.

Q: How do Afghans treat the Canadians?

A: The reception is very mixed. A small number of Afghans are trying to kill Canadians. Among the average people on the streets, some people smile and are friendly. Others throw rocks.

Q: Can soldiers keep in contact with families and friends in Canada?

A: The soldiers can send mail home. They can also get on the Internet to send e-mails or chat online and they can also use the telephone to speak with their family members.

Q: Are most of them looking forward to going home?

A: Yes. Even though they've barely started their mission, most soldiers miss home and their families.

Q: Do the Canadian soldiers do anything to make the base seem more like home?

A: They have a big tent they call "Canada House" where they can drink coffee, play foosball, borrow videos and watch TV. They also have a big cement pad where they play ball hockey. There is another big tent run by the American army where soldiers can play Xbox and eat free snacks 24 hours a day. They can also go shopping at an American store called a PX that has almost everything, including footballs, DVD players, Game Boys and CDs.

Q: For a journalist, what is the most challenging part of this assignment?

A: The most challenging part is figuring out the safest way to get stories. It's also a challenge to work with the military. The army is a big machine with many parts and finding out what is going on is not always easy.

Bull's Eye

Amsterdam, Netherlands. A wave of international victories for Dutch darts players has prompted an increase in the number of injuries as people take up the game at home, according to the Dutch consumer safety association.

Over-eagerness caused most of the injuries, said a spokeswoman for the group, with players hurling their darts before opponents had finished retrieving their own. Poorly hung dartboards also posed problems.

"Often the board falls down on someone's foot or worse on someone's head," she added.

About 120 people are admitted to hospitals each year with injuries sustained during darts, with pierced fingers and wrists most common. Eye injuries were rare, the association said.

"Maybe it is national pride that when one of us is good at a sport, we all want a go," the spokeswoman said.

Last month, 21-year-old Dutchman Jelle Klaasen wowed audiences at the World Darts championship, with a victory over fellow Dutchman Raymond van Barneveld, to become the youngest ever world champion and a national hero.

I would like to know the extent of an "accidental" dart injury, that would prompt a visit to the doctor. Somehow I doubt the "accidental" qualifier they put on these wounds.... not with all the beer and drugs in Amsterdam.... I know I've never been injured on a dare fueled by testosterone and malt liquor... not that I remember anyway.

Is this about me?

Junior: Hi, I'm Junior and I live here in Cowtown, with my wife Maria Sharapova. [Maria slides behind Junior, as though on a conveyer belt, holding a laundry basket while on the phone.] She’s great with the kids, the house, everything. Oh, I don’t know how she does it. We’ve got a daughter Ally… [Ally slides behind Junior, holding a doll.] and twin two year old boys. [The twins slide behind him, facing the other way.] It’s not really about the kids. My parents live across the street. [Mommy and Daddy slide behind Junior – Mommy is stirring a bowl, and Daddy is shaving.] That’s right, and my brother lives with them. Now not every family would go by on a conveyer belt for you, but mine would because… [Jim slides by.]

Jim: Everybody Loves Junior.

Junior: Yea, yea, yea.

[Jim is sat at the kitchen table at Mommy’s house. There are cartons and cartons of Chinese food on the table. He is miserable. Junior enters.]

Junior: Hey.

Jim: Hey.

Junior: Is mom here?

Jim: She’s upstairs hitting my speed bag. How’s the team?

Junior: Oh, well, we really missed you out there, Jim…

Jim: Oh?

Junior: Yea. Yea, you wanna come back.

Jim: You guys want me back?

Junior: Yea, sure, come on, you’re the best player out there. We need you.

Jim: So, you’re asking me to be captain?

Junior: [sits down] No, no. I’m still gonna be captain.

Jim: You are a piece of work.

Junior: Look, come on, don’t you see? It’s still in the family. It’s just like you’re captain, only I’m captain.

Jim: Won’t that be cosy.

Junior: Look, just think about it. You come back and you help us win the championship. The whole team will be happy. And you won’t be mad anymore, so ma’ll be happy. And you can help me. You can help me with some of the lesser captaining responsibilities, and I can spend more time with my family. Then they’ll be happy.

Jim: So, once again, you get everything.

Junior: No, no, it’s not everything. That’s like.... four things.

Jim: Well, thanks for thinking of me Junior, but I’m just gonna have to pass.

Junior: What, pass? You can’t pass Jim. We can’t do it without you. Come on. You’re the missing link.

Jim: I’ve heard that before.

Junior: I’ll tell you what. Just come back. Come back for the playoffs and next year I’ll make sure you’re captain. I promise.

Jim: Well, I appreciate it, but I’m just gonna have to pursue another option.

Junior: Another option? With who?

Jim: Wo Hop’s Chinese takeout. [indicates the Chinese food] They put a very lovely offer on the table. Kung pao.

Jim is happy with a moral victory over Junior, who seems to get everything while Jim is left with the spoils.

The characters and incidents portrayed and the names used herein are fictitious and any resemblance to the names, character, or history of any person is coincidental and unintentional.

Rest assured, I was a very happy and loved child. Junior's just a freak.

I agree

This movie was actually playing on my satelite dish the day of the Academy awards.

What a movie. This is by far the best movie I have seen this year, maybe ever. Absolutely rivetting (to use a critics riff). I would recomend this movie.

Now I can't say Brokeback Mountain wasn't good, but I can tell you that I am far less likely to watch a movie about cowboys that fall in love. This in my eyes ranks below a chick flick, mostly because my hopes of seeing a little t&a in a chick flick are dashed by the fact that two dudes fall in love. Just not my bag I guess.... did I really just say that?

How to reply to jokes

I would like to point out that sending this to someone, who may be seen as somewhat of a serial bush pisser, was in poor taste. My sphincter will be a month returning to form.

Jim


Original message:

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand.
There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."

"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?"

Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium.

Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!" "So, I go
and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through
the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "O.K., good luck!

By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up"....

Poppycock, thy name is Marty

I read this guys articles regularly as he is monikered as some sort of sports clairvoyant. A week ago, the crystal ball told us Cujo would be moving in 48 hours to either the Oilers or Canucks.... Guess what...

He also prophesized the coming of Tracy Ham to the Roughriders
:I hear the Saskatchewan Roughriders are set to hire former CFL quarterback Tracy Ham as offensive co-ordinator and maybe even sign Jeff Garcia as QB ...

Ummm, no.

One thing he does do however is illustrate my point about our Olympic hockey team to a T.

"You can’t win with Gretzky’s Rolodex
Players likely to be traded by the NHL’s March 9 deadline:
Forwards Keith Tkachuk, Ollie Jokinen and Mark Recchi of St. Louis, Florida and Pittsburgh, respectively, goaltenders Curtis Joseph and Dwayne Roloson of Phoenix and Minnesota, respectively, and defenceman Sergei Gonchar of Pittsburgh.

• Allow me one more rant about the Canadian men’s hockey team. During our national navel gaze over its failure to bring home an Olympic medal, did anyone ask this question: why did it take eight people to select Team Canada?

Wayne Gretzky, Kevin Lowe, Steve Tambellini, Bob Nicholson, Pat Quinn, Wayne Fleming, Jacques Martin and Ken Hitchcock — all recognized as good hockey minds — banded together to select a team that a couple of hockey fans could have selected over beers at their local Hooters.
There were 18 players back from Salt Lake City in 2002, and even though it was four years later, most of them had missed a complete season and few were among the leaders in NHL scoring.

Meanwhile, more than a dozen players, who had performed splendidly during the first 21/2 months of this NHL season were left off the team because, well, because why?

Eric Staal, Marc Savard, Patrick Marleau, Alex Tanguay, Sidney Crosby, Jason Spezza, Jonathan Cheechoo, Shawn Horcoff, Paul Kariya, Jason Arnott, Cory Stillman, Jarret Stoll, Brendan Shanahan and Dion Phaneuf have all had better seasons than Todd Bertuzzi, Vinny Lecavalier, Ryan Smyth, Jarome Iginla, Marty St. Louis, Shane Doan and Kris Draper.

Granted, every team needs checkers, but the Canadian team had four lines of checkers. This team was shut out three times and scored in only one of its final 12 periods.

Don’t blame the players. They played exactly the way they played all season. Not one player — with the possible exception of Joe Thornton who, of course, didn’t play on his regular line with Marleau and Cheechoo in Turin — did anything that we really didn’t expect."

Well, he got that one right... weeks after the fact.

The bravest Gapper (ex-pat) I know

This is my brother Pokey. This is my brother Pokey in his attire in Afghanistan.

My brother is a news reporter, and a very good one. His current assignment finds him in the thick of things where he is actually close enough to hear explosions and the like. This past week, if you read the headlines, makes for a tired group of reporters all bunkered down in a camp where wedding gunfire (as is their custom) is sprayed into the air in celebration. I would guess that's like painting a series of rings on your chest and yelling I'm right here!

The sound of gunfire alone would keep me in a corner grabbing my heels crying, but hearing a suicide bomb go off resulting in injury to a Canadian soldier and having to cover the story in a cool proffesional manner, would be beyond my realm of comfort.

This is my brother Pokey. This is my brother pokey as I look forward to seeing him very soon. Safe in the company of loved ones, far from the people who would do him and his peers harm.

I know this is usually a comedic blog, but I am proud of this SOB (which makes me a SOB), and I look forward to pubbing in downtown Montreal soon listening as he recounts yet another formidable tale of adventure abroad. Good on ya man!

No slaughter is a good slaughter

Pwease suh, put dat cwub down.

The rich and famous are protesting the seal hunt. Who will defend the fish from the seals though? Who will defend the hunters against restrictions on their livelyhoods (fishing), because of depleted fish stocks (due in part to the shear numbers of hungry lil fellas like fluffy up there).

Now, I don't agree with skinning live seals, dragging them on a hook across the ice while they struggle for their lives. Clubbing is likely a bad idea, but at the time it was likely the most advanced technology available to some people, and some purists likely would argue that it's the principal of the conservation of their heritage (see Simpsosns episode 79 Prod. code 9F18 "whacking day"). The poeple of Canada are 60% in favor of this hunt. I'll bet that further East the number is well above 80.

Honestly I'm on the fence on this one, but I know when deer and moose season starts, that Mr. McCartney and spouse won't be flying over the prairie land trying to save these creatures.

Maybe I'm wrong though, maybe somewhere Angelina Jolie is devising a plot to eliminate the wildlife hunt in Texas... Yeah, good luck with that.

***Update***

It seems that by landing them 5 whirly birds on the ice near the pups may endanger them AND the seals.

"I'd be a bit leery about landing a heavy machine like that loaded with people on ice that should be a bit thicker in terms of safety," Frank Ring, spokesman for the federal Fisheries Department told The Canadian Press Wednesday.
McCartney will also have to avoid getting too close to the animals because federal regulations prohibit people from disturbing marine mammals "unless authorized to do so under a valid licence."

Regulations prohibit people from disturbing marine mammals.... Barbarians! Somehow I am convinced that Paul may look the tool on this venture. Given his opposition, I'd say it's a big deal... b'y.

YOU can bring a knife to school

As far as I can tell, a weapon under a shirt is still a weapon. I believe in tolerance for a religion, but what of the snake handlers?

I love the part where they say:
"There are many objects in schools that could be used to commit violent acts and that are much more easily obtained by students, such as scissors, pencils and baseball bats."

The same could be said of box cutters, no? And toenail clippers, not on an airplane my friends. Symbolic or not a knife is a little more scary when brandished than a HB 0.7 clicky pencil.

Kudos

So the Swedes won our medals. I say our medals because in 4 years, the Swedish team will be wearing something less prestigeous. I mean good for Mats Sundin and Daniel Alfredson, but that's it for you guys. We just had a lot going on this year, that's why we lost.