All Apologies

Although many of these items I'm going to list still crack me up as much as when I first did them, I feel a somewhat moral obligation to at least feign an apology. Here for your amusement and my own soul cleansing, are items I'm not so proud of in no particular order.

1) In my college years while taking a “study break” with Mr. Playstation 2, I noticed my friends cat preparing to launch himself from the floor to the window sill where he likes to perch and watch foot traffic go by. Without thinking I swung around in my chair and full out Dikembe Mutumbo style swatted him mid-air sending him sprawling back on the floor. I then taunted him, sorry.

2) Mags, after you finally entrusted me with the operation of your boat, I promptly decided to begin what I defined as "miami vice turns", little did I know that these maneuvers would nearly flip and kill/maim us all. I'd like to blame Don Johnson, but truth is I'm just really really irresponsible, sorry.

3) Sutter, although petite, spunky, and equally drunk as myself, body slamming you onto the hood of a stranger's car outside of the bar a la the Hulk Hogan was probably in ill taste. You took it like a champ though, sorry.

4) Jr. sorry about that ill fated suplex that should have resulted in a cushy respite on your bed, but instead ended with glass raining down upon us as your foot shattered the glass light fixture on the ceiling. You were a little young and impressionable so you took the brunt of blame. For that I apologize.

5) The children of E.B. and surrounding area. Sorry that we got drunk and drove around town taking turns with baseball bats hate criming your snowmen. Some of them must have taken a lot of work, and those only felt more satisfying as we emulated Sammy Sosa and knocked their cute buttons and bike helmets into the next yard. Blame youth, I’m still sorry.

6) To the salamanders of BGRDE (1990), sorry we covered your slimy bodies with salt with the intention of drying you out and exterminating you. In my defence my kindergarten teacher started it by showing us it worked and supplying a box of salt. Sorry guys.

7) To my mother and Flo, It WAS me who ate the apples off her apple tree, not to be mischevious, but because she had an apple tree and I wanted an apple (or 7). Hopefully you can fully appreciate the situation. I think I may have paid for this one during childhood however, day after “green apple splatters” ensured the insolence would not be repeated. I am really sorry.

8) To the Owner Operators of A+M, while driving home to the city when I was attending school, I fueled up at your station. I went in and purchased Spits, Coke and Paid for them. 2 miles out of town I giggled as I realized I hadn’t paid for my 13 dollars of fuel. I should have returned to compensate you, but I was 2 miles down the road. My bad.

9) Principle Peanut, I may have been spinning a yarn when I told you I never meant to throw the football at your head near the sideline during a lunch break in my highschool years. You got up pretty quick for a little guy and never questionned my intentions. Thank you and, I’m sorry.

10) T-bo (tukatuka), I once snuck behind the shooter bar 5 times when I was 19 and prepared shooters (4 to be exact and Fel made me do it) for my table without being seen or caught. I owe you 20 shots sometime. Sorry... By the way, you forgot my birthday, maybe we're even after all.