And I was shocked

I am watching the Eskimo's lose to the Ti-Cats at Eeyore's. Damn, looks like the Rider's will be tied for #2 tommorow night... Believe people, we are almost there...


Amen...

Over the Top

That's my boy Chris Szarka flying over those West coast Kitties.

Big game for my Riders tommorow night, win or lose we have played some serious ball in the past month. So gather up Saturday at 10 PM EST, to watch the Green and White, clip the Columbian kitties. I sound like Jay Onrait from TSN. Sunday is my first game of the year (Hockey) hopefully I'll be back monday with my groin still intact to brag about our big win.

AMEN!

Game on

The challenge is on. The Gapper family men are entering a battle of Hockey knowledge.

We are entering a pool the 5 of us. We each get 10 players. And count points through the season.

The Last place guy supplies a 2 litre jug of whiskey,
4th place supplies 24 beer
3rd supplies a small bottle of tequila (or other shoot-able beverage (get it? Shootable??))
2nd supplies salty snacks
1st gets to laugh at Boner, Pokey Jr and Streak as he consumes it all (with their help) for free!

I expect there to be an abundance of smack talk, so I will include only the finest exchanges on my site... Such as:

Jr wrote:

not in this to cheat
im in this to take ur booze
the real honest way

that's haiku biotch

To which Pokey replied:

Jeff writes poetry
And in his earthly casket
Emerson cries out.

Should be a war of wits, at least until Jr rips off a few good Farrely Brothers' movies and shocks us all again!

Sumo over

Well, that was the funnest office games thing I have ever seen.

Superintendants beating on Admin staff, 4ft tall men being "handled" by 6ft women. Flip slams, body slams, 69 slams (imagine). I got to be the 4th guy in a suit and was so lucky to get to marinade in the gravy left behind by previous competitors. People placed bets and money went to charity. Great fun!

It's Go time

SUMO log:
9:05 Tension mounts as Jim discovers opponent swap... Will be facing the deadly Eeyore... Was supposed to match up with Wife... Prospects for victory fading... Jim remains optimistic...

9:06 Jim discovers Eeyore has had big breakfast... Advantage Eyore...

9:20 Jim helps Diaper Dave (another combatant) unload suits... Jim concern shifts swiftly to lack of sanitation... Imagines hockey equipment Streak wore in 70's and left soaked in sweat for 20 years in hot attic... Slight gag...

9:31 Jim writes blog in hopes that if this is last message, family will carry out request for Bellegarde Funeral and ham sandwiches (made by the loaf with only margarine and white bread) at hall for after "party". Always liked those.

Results to be posted later today... If I make it...

Funny picture, presidents pee too!

Nothing says funny like a president asking permission to go to the can!

















U.S. President George W. Bush writes a note to Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice during a Security Council meeting at the 2005 World Summit and 60th General Assembly of the United Nations in New York September 14, 2005. World leaders are exploring ways to revitalize the United Nations at a summit on Wednesday but their blueprint falls short of Secretary-General Kofi Annan's vision of freedom from want, persecution and war. REUTERS/Rick Wilking

Chillin"

Hey all, writing live from "wheels's'" place, Kids are asleep, Wheels and me are drinkin a Canadian and watchin NFL. By the way Roughriders totally dominated and took it to the Argo's. As for the Bills, well lets just say Eeyore had his way with Polo at the supper table.

Next up... The globalisation of the Canadian economy and the toxic sludge taking over New Orleans, or the sale thereof to the Canadian people as a natural resource.

This message was approved by the Wheels foundation and may not be reproduced... Bah, my finger's broke, type more later.

What the Hell??

I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it for myself.

My final drafts for Bulwer Lytton

Here are two Entries I am sending into the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest: Give me your thoughts.

#1 - Captain Jack was helplessly pinned to the back of his pilot seat spiraling downward, like the tusk of a narwhal, or, like the flight path of an aircraft that had lost its wing while flying too close to the control tower in an attempt to haze the rookie controller with a "fly-by"… unfortunately an inadequate circle check was to blame for his predicament.

#2 - With the shade drawn Bruce reflected to when the sun was welcome, and the purpose of freon was to cool meat and perishables… jingling of keys at the door quickly redirected his focus… he hurriedly returned to the bathroom window and climbed out… the air conditioner he had uninstalled would not submit to the forceful pulling and would be left behind… he leaned inside and stole all the buttons and dials from the unit and forcefully removed the cord and walked away from the mortuary, satisfied that his former co-workers would be slightly uncomfortable; if not for the heat, then for the stench that rose from it.

IF anyone else would like to share some warped prose here, please indulge me!

Meet my cousin

Hey everyone, I have been waiting for the headshots to appear on his team site.
Remember Uncle D?

Well, this is his Baby boy!

Kinda like lookin into the eye of a serial killer, just what you don't want to look up at when crossing center with your head down. Really though he's a pussy cat. 6 foot 200 pound pussy cat.

Rumours or fact?

I just heard that gas prices in Ontario have reached $1.79 CAD FOR A LITRE! I am going to get in line after work to fuel up. Honey, if you read this, aparently I will be in a line up until work tommorow. This would be a good time to conjur up some spam/Balogna/cheap anything caserole for the next few weeks, while the yankees raise our price to met the supply shortage we'll have after the next 5 or six storms (which have been happening since Eden) brush by.

Sumo Wrestling, Rider Pride and Birthdays

Broad topic huh?

I have been signed up by S.O.L. to do a charity thing next week where we dress in inflatable sumo costumes and battle it out with co-workers. It seems I am slated as some sort of a clown or something. I will not be beaten.

My boys won a big game Sundey evening to keep them in the hunt for a home playoff game for the fist time since 1988, keep your fingers crossed people, the season end is always exiting unless you're a Bomber fan...

My wife's birthday is coming soon (yes I know the exact date) thinking of a trip to London on Saturday for some Vietnamese and a Movie, and oh so many innocent misunderstandings... (I'm gonna try cop a feel! Jokes).

Nice quiet week, Baseball over, hockey not started yet, and mating patterns are dormant til spring. Good thing there's football!

Lost the league...

But won the night!

This is the story of what happens when a team that holds 3rd in their softball league loses 7 consecutive games in the playoffs.

I knew Saturday would be an interesting one when the first beer was cracked at 9:00 AM. We were playing our first game of the day against the team that seems to win every year. The usual team has 10 players, we were counting on 9 showing up (not bad)... 7 made an appearance. You need a minimum of 8 to play, so we could have lost by default, but the kids were good enough to lend us a catcher and play on anyways.

We were leading after 4 innings, but then the youngsters woke up and got to batting. We lost, but not as badly as we should have. Our next game was at 11:00 so we set up camp near the pavillion and started into the free beer the beer fund had bought us.

11:00 we make our way to the diamond to meed the hated "Jail" team. This team possesses one of the most obnoxious cigar smoking old men you would ever meet, and since we only had seven players he decided they would take the win, even though it didn't matter to them in the playoffs since they were already out. Gutless. This got Polo, Bish and a few others really pissed, and the verbal chatter started. My favorite was: "Hope you choke on your cigar you old @#$% sucker!"

We packed up our things and headed back to "Camp" and started back into the beer. Around 3:30 it was time to stumble home for a shower and get ready for the banquet that follows the tournament each year where the usual things happen. The trophy is awarded; Each team names an MVP; Eeyore slow dances with Cookie; Wheels eats 13 cabbage rolls (with mashed potatoes, roast beef, bread and salad) and Jim cuts a rug with anyone and everyone.

But first, the shower. I was finished showering and my wife was going to drop me at Steve-o's where some of the team was going to gather, she was supposed to work, so she woudn't be attending, except that, 10 gallons of scalding hot water shot straight from a hole in the wall where the "H" labelled faucet used to be, until Jim slipped and took it down. Jim's back served as a bit of a shield however, but didn't stop the water from covering the bathroom floor. Naked as a newborn Jim streaked down the stairs into the basement where he tried frantically to find the hot water shutoff. Succeeding only to find the water main, Jim had it under control.

Jim joggeed his soggy naked ass back upstairs to where Wife was on all fours soaking up the pool into every towell we owned. Wife was not going to work tonight.

The damage was more severe than Jim knew to fix, so he called landlord for advice, not mentionning that Jims naked drunk self was the cause of the broken fixture. "Get a plumber and send me the bill." I love my new landlord.

Plumber comes right over and after 20 minutes has a temporary fix. Wife drives me to buddy's house where we all gather have one quick one and head out. Wife will join us later after she is ready (has to have a shower).

We get to banquet and have supper and usual visiting. the dance starts and Wife arrives, ready to have some fun now. We dance we drink, having a great time. The party winds down and as usual, we decide to go to overtime. Off to the bar we go. A quick drink and that's it, Jim is done. I wobble outside and make my way to the truck back at the hall to wait for Wife to drive us home. I fall asleep in the back of the truck.

Next vivid memory; it's 4:00 AM and we're moving. Later find out that Vicki was unable to drive (I never noticed she was drunk, that's how bad I was), and actually took a cab home with Wheels and his wife (yet to be niknamed), thinking I went home. The house was locked and guess who had the keys? That's right the fat mess in the back of the X-Terra. Wheels scales the wall to the second storey and makes it through a window. Jim obviously not here, so Vicki calls Eeyore to see if maybe I was there and let them know she was going to see if maybe I was at the truck.

S.O.L. graciously offers to drive Vicki instead of make her cab it and sure enough there I am sound asleep. We all go home and sleep until late morning.

All said, it was a magical evening... I even managed to disapear! Waka waka!

Can't wait til Haloween party!

Pondering Retirement

How long will I be a slave to "The Man" before I get to retire? Can I accelerate it? I'm almost 30 now and I am waiting to retire; golf, grandkids, and world travel... Yup the retired life is for me.

Years of service = 3 years,

Required Years of service for pension = minimum 30 if 55 years or older

So, I started at 25, I will be 55 when I have my full pension (if I manage to continue to work during winter layoffs).

Ugh, long way to go yet isn't it? I guess the best way to gauge one's success in life isn't to see who can cross the "Gold Watch" line first, but to look back once you near the line and see if anything you did while earning your living was worth the time you put in. Family, friends and fun are the most important things to me. But I am still at a very simple version of each.

My family consists of my Wife, Parents, Brothers, Uncles, Aunts, cousins, nephews, Nieces, GodDaughters and Sons (in laws included). Pretty simple stuff. Friends consist of local buddies, their wives, families and all my cronies from youth who I still keep in touch with. Fun is playing baseball games, eating wings at the bar with family and friends, and social events with them all. Still a very simple map.

My father told me recently that he will likely retire soon. I think of his life. Family Friends and fun. Mom and Dad's is much like mine, exept they get into Grandchildren, Nephews, Nieces, Cousins, all numbered exponentially larger than mine. Friends are from far stretches of the world because of work, travels and aquaintances made otherwise. Fun is having the kids and grandkids home, visiting theim, golf, Sports Saturdays and the Bulwer Lytton contest each year, pickling, canning and garden harvest have grown in my father's interest while Mom looks forward to it less and less. She prefers flower beds and as of late; work, only because "they" make her, right mom?

I think of the other things my mother and father used to do like Baseball weekends, Hockey, Coaching, Tennis, Marathon Running, Child Raising, Farming, Mining, Psyche nursing, nursing, Potato hauling, phone pole climbing, and world travelling... I have an awful lot to do before I earn the right to think of retiring.

For now I'm content to wake up mornings (sometimes with a bit of a hangover from Monday night Ball), drag my butt to work and put in my 8, keeping in mind that there is a lot of good stuff to look forward to before I get to call it a career.

Then I'll sit back and enjoy all of the things I did outside and inside of work that made my life worth taking my retirement to enjoy, like kids, grandkids, my wife, friends family and fun.

Looking back on my mere 3 years of service would only take a few minutes, Ma N Pa are going to need the time off to absorb theirs.

Onwards and Upwards

I have made a few modifications to my site to help my readers keep on top of my drivel. A few srolls down and you'll see a subscription service I added to help you stay on top of things. it just sends you a notice when I update, or add a post. I'm sure you were all dying to find out what happened to J-RAG's poop bet, and you'd want to be first to know and all! Hopefully JRAG can answer us, but I assume he won the bet, he's kinda retentive anyways.

Son now by publishing this I should get an alert in my e-mail that I have posted a new blog, htank god for that, now I'll be able to read this at work!!

YAHOO!

Sweet deal, If you go to Yahoo.com and search HappyGapper, or Happy Gapper, or bonnie and clyde pitures.com, you get a link to my little corner of the web universe... Sweet, I exist!

Also, I have noticed a slight bump in my visitor amounts per day, Nice! So how can I hook you people out there and make you come back every few hours?

Hard-core nudity!!!






















So there you have it folks, hope I tickled your fancy!! More in a bit!

We lose again!

2 games last night and we lost both of them. that's 6 in a row, we have 4 playoff games left and in the opinions of some of our players, we have only 4 games to worry about. Downtrodden tired and aching I spoke with YankeeDoodle, Eeyore and Wheels trying to convey the message that; we are not going to give this thing up without a fight.

We lost a slim one last night (1 run with 2 outs bottom of last inning), and the one before that we just failed to produce decent defence on a few occasions allowing them to get the upper hand. We have much tougher opponents to play Friday and Saturday, but we should be able to pull out a few wins, or at the very least finish with some self respect.

In either case we will definitely see Cookie slow dance with Eeyore and Wheels eat about 12 cabbage rolls at the end of year banquet. Hell I might even drink the gravy again this year!

Something stinks in Cowtown

My "friend" in Calgary just informed me of a bet he has taken with his Roomies.

It's common knowledge that after a weekend of drinking that your "system" needs time to recuperate. My "friend" let's call him J-RAG, bet his room mate that he will not poop until 5 today. This is since breakfast yesterday. J-RAG stands to win 50 dollars for this feat. I am however somewhat concerned with the verification methods, to ensure J-RAG didn't "go" while away from him.

The easiest and most obvious verification method would be the streak test; checking the briefs for the racing stripes usually left after improperly wiping one's ass, which I am positive he does, bu failing that, I would like some suggestions to bulletproof this thing so Roomy, doesn't get took for 50.00.

If my concern seems misplaced; it is only because I hate to see a guy lose money over some stupid SHIT! Wakka Wakka.

Poor poor showing, by the boys of Preffered Towing

Brutal, just plain nasty.

I entered our Slow-Pitch team in a tournament for the weekend that just passed. There were 15 teams and it was a double knock out style. We got knocked out.

The first game was brutal. The team we played were obviously good. This was decided as we watched select players put on the tape. Taping ankles an wrists. These boys were here to play ball. I think they stopped trying after their 40th run. We managed 6. The second game wouldn't be until 5, so we returned to our campsite for some eats and a few beer. At 5 we took to the field against a put together team of Native Canadians. In my experience these are always tough teams to play because there is no quit in their play or their mouths.

It was a heated battle and some good ball was played on both sides, but in the end we failed to make up the 4 run deficit with our last at bat. It was a good game though.

Egos bruised and some players walking off injuries (Sidenote: Eeyore sprained an ankle the night before in a non-baseball related tumble down a ditch near our campsite, alcohol may have been a factor), we generally felt we had beaten ourselves... again.

Looking forward... Tonight we start round robin play for our Men's service league playoffs. With the Preferred towing team looking for revenge after losing 4 in a row recently (including weekend debacle). Our first game is against a team we have lost to twice, but really really should not have. The "A" game is also expected to make an appearance.

Choices

Mr. Voice: Hello everyone and welcome to the show that takes every day life and breaks into ups n downs so the guests and you at home can make "Choices".

#1. Today we have our guest Jim. Jim has been offered a 6 1/2 month extension at his current posting through the winter which would ensure him employment through his usual layoff period.

#2. In a week Jim is also supposed to return to his post where he is a factor in the devellopment of a new Coast Guard Notices to Shipping program, which he has contributed to since its inception.

#3. Recently Jim went through a recruitment process for a position that he used to hold that pays well, but is only 9 (pensionable) months of the year, leaving him without employment for three winter months.

Host (Bob): Well Jim, I have to say I don't feel sorry for you at all, these all sound like great oppertunities to better yourself, or adevance in your carreer!

Jim: Well Bob, You are correct in that statement but if you read the first paragraph, I'm not on the show to gain pity, but use your audience in their infinite wisdom as a tool for decision making.

Bob: Ok Jim, you're right. Let's get started!

\\\applause erupts and a giant whiteboard drops from the rafters of the studio///

Bob: Ok Jim let's mark some pros and cons down here and help our viewers see more clearly what "Choices" you have.

Now, Extension in current job, what do you like here Jim?

Jim: Well, The fact that I am expanding my horizons and learning more and more are great reasons to stay, money is good and advancement oppertunities exist ito upper echelons (eventually).

Bob: Whoa, whoa there fella, let's not go nuts, just the facts please!

Jim: Ok Money is better, year round work and chance to move up. But work is a little hum-drum.

Bob: Ok and the second one?

Jim: Software devellopment experience, possibility of spearheading program implementation across Canada as the standard in Coast Guard. But, this project will only last for so long and the money is bad, and this is seasonal work most of the years.

Bob: Ok Jim, what about #3? Too much money and job security? Not enough toilet paper rolls in the handicapped stall? (Bob is smirking at crown and cameras... Jim is getting upset).

Jim: No Bob, This job is very rewarding, it is an operational position instead of Clerical/computer involved. The money is great. But, the year is 9 months, the possibility of advancement is (very very) slim at best and there are some questions about the future of the program. Not to mention attending training (away from home) for 6 months and forfeiting salary for living allowance (not a lot of living allowance).

Bob: (Still egging Jim on) Ok so you have;
#1 Lots of money and oppertunity, but you're bored;
#2 you can get a sense of accomplishment and appear in the credits for a computer program, but the money and seasonality suck;
#3 a job you like (as far as you know) more money, better holidays, but only seasonal work starting from scratch, and you'll be there forever.

Have I got it all?

Jim: Yes Bob.

Bob: Well listen to Mr. Boohoo I want a job with everything waaa, my career is making me choose between good and better, guffaw!

///In the studio silence falls on the audience and Jim gets up and lunges at Bob, the network quickly cuts to commercial and after several minutes of test pattern the gameshow returns with Bob (appearing to be in some discomfort) and Jim with a look of satisfaction.\\\

Bob (meekly): Well audience and you all at home it's time to help Jim out, please enter your choices and we'll see at the end of the show which Jim will choose as his path. Audience... Vote Now.

///Bob rubs his left jaw as the camera wipes into the audience now making their selections.\\
Mr. Voice: That's right Bob, and our home viewers can make their selections by visiting the HappyGapper web-site and making their selections there, If you would like to post a comment please do so in the comments section under this contest's post and include your number selection there.

Back to you Bob!

Members of our audience will receive coupons from Uncle McHallett's Haggis and cabbage, get your fill at Gordy's McGrill!
Also each member will receive a free consultation at the Dr. Kevorkian clinic. Satisfaction the first time is their guarantee, or your money back!

Barry's Blunder

It was finally time for Barry’s revenge… those bastards were about to pay, he laced the team water cooler with a sedative powerful enough to sedate a 175 pound man, such as he was… Soon they’ll all be too sleepy to play in the “Big Game”… “Keep me from playing football will they”… He slinked into the shadows to watch his plan unfold… It was very soon after the first one dropped that Barry realized that, over the past 21 years, since he had been an aspiring “Mite-E-Titan”… that he himself had matured and grown, but the peewee football team had not…

All Apologies

Although many of these items I'm going to list still crack me up as much as when I first did them, I feel a somewhat moral obligation to at least feign an apology. Here for your amusement and my own soul cleansing, are items I'm not so proud of in no particular order.

1) In my college years while taking a “study break” with Mr. Playstation 2, I noticed my friends cat preparing to launch himself from the floor to the window sill where he likes to perch and watch foot traffic go by. Without thinking I swung around in my chair and full out Dikembe Mutumbo style swatted him mid-air sending him sprawling back on the floor. I then taunted him, sorry.

2) Mags, after you finally entrusted me with the operation of your boat, I promptly decided to begin what I defined as "miami vice turns", little did I know that these maneuvers would nearly flip and kill/maim us all. I'd like to blame Don Johnson, but truth is I'm just really really irresponsible, sorry.

3) Sutter, although petite, spunky, and equally drunk as myself, body slamming you onto the hood of a stranger's car outside of the bar a la the Hulk Hogan was probably in ill taste. You took it like a champ though, sorry.

4) Jr. sorry about that ill fated suplex that should have resulted in a cushy respite on your bed, but instead ended with glass raining down upon us as your foot shattered the glass light fixture on the ceiling. You were a little young and impressionable so you took the brunt of blame. For that I apologize.

5) The children of E.B. and surrounding area. Sorry that we got drunk and drove around town taking turns with baseball bats hate criming your snowmen. Some of them must have taken a lot of work, and those only felt more satisfying as we emulated Sammy Sosa and knocked their cute buttons and bike helmets into the next yard. Blame youth, I’m still sorry.

6) To the salamanders of BGRDE (1990), sorry we covered your slimy bodies with salt with the intention of drying you out and exterminating you. In my defence my kindergarten teacher started it by showing us it worked and supplying a box of salt. Sorry guys.

7) To my mother and Flo, It WAS me who ate the apples off her apple tree, not to be mischevious, but because she had an apple tree and I wanted an apple (or 7). Hopefully you can fully appreciate the situation. I think I may have paid for this one during childhood however, day after “green apple splatters” ensured the insolence would not be repeated. I am really sorry.

8) To the Owner Operators of A+M, while driving home to the city when I was attending school, I fueled up at your station. I went in and purchased Spits, Coke and Paid for them. 2 miles out of town I giggled as I realized I hadn’t paid for my 13 dollars of fuel. I should have returned to compensate you, but I was 2 miles down the road. My bad.

9) Principle Peanut, I may have been spinning a yarn when I told you I never meant to throw the football at your head near the sideline during a lunch break in my highschool years. You got up pretty quick for a little guy and never questionned my intentions. Thank you and, I’m sorry.

10) T-bo (tukatuka), I once snuck behind the shooter bar 5 times when I was 19 and prepared shooters (4 to be exact and Fel made me do it) for my table without being seen or caught. I owe you 20 shots sometime. Sorry... By the way, you forgot my birthday, maybe we're even after all.

Dam Spam

Anyone read my comments on yesterdays post? I got picked up on the web somehow and the advertisements flowed in. What a pain in the arse. It seems blogging is becoming a quick way to reach people, here I thought I was the only one interested in my shit!

I think what happens is I get picked up by one of those "most recently updated Blogs" engines and people click in. Parasites and good bloggers alike. Actually I can see where they come from and where they write their stuff, so I drop in for a visit... sometimes. Not when a dude from water purification spends 2 seconds on my site and pastes a message asking me to visit his site and get pop upped to death. The stats are very impressive seing how my traffic ranges from 14 to 20 visits (much to my own shock) on any given day. But somewhere huddledx in the mass blogsphere there are good sites to check out and though I haven't found anyone I'd link to, the more visits the better for the HappyGapper!

Let's hear it for the STREAK

Happy Birthday DAD!

Today marks yet another of a large cluster of birthdays around the end of August and beginning of September, Including mine. It took me a while, but I figured out why there are so many of us who made our debut's into this world around these days of summer.

We are New Years accidents. Sure, Mommy and Daddy were happy to have us and we may even have been planned to an extent, but I'll bet that the exuberance and enthusiasm on New Year's eve (or day) was due at least in part to the consumption of mass quantities of champagne and likely a Rum or two.

So here's to us Dad, The real New Years babies. What a magical thing to be a part of... Just don't ever contemplate the act... ever... ever.