Dirty Thirty

Well folks my life as I know it is over, I am 30 years old.

The joy of receiving messages and e-mails with “old fart” in the subject line is fading and I look back on what was my “lucky year” and think about what a change my life has taken in just one year. I am far happier now, I like my job better, I have possibly the perfect girlfriend.

Perfect indeed, she threw me a birthday party 2 weeks ago and the surprises never seem to stop coming. We went to the Tiger-Cats vs. Roughriders game last Saturday and who should I get to shake hands and meet? Chris Szarka, my idol fullback for the Riders that my dear Schmue and good buddy Mark arranged weeks prior. It was a trip.

(in case you weren't sure that's me on the left...yeah.. right)

He’s not so big, I wasn’t even flexing… Besides, who wants to look like that guy anyway... Note the elevation of his footwear versus mine??? I'm huge.

It was the best football experience ever; we got more autographs from Kenton Keith and the rookie running back Shermar Bracey on the sidelines.


The Ti-Cats fans were terrific, a little grumpy but for the most part they were great, the stadium was great, seats were fantastic and the whole trip was surreal.

The past few weeks have been a real eye opener as to how great my friends and family are, I am a Lucky Gapper. Can’t wait to see what I get when I turn 40!

Here are a few more shots of the day:

Shivers, I ain't talkin' thermic people!

Hey dude,

You need to blog your reaction to the Shivers’ shuffle and Barrett’s shelf life.

Den

Alrighty, here’s my take on this thing.

Seven seasons of mediocre performance by what was slated each year as being a contender for the Grey Cup. Granted the record pre-Shivers was far worse, but seven years is long enough to turn any team into a winning machine.

Shivers brought some of the best talent in the CFL to our little organization in the flatlands but the mob is fickle, dear brother; they are calling for Jim Hopson’s head on a spit and I can’t disagree.

I think the problems with this organization are far more than a stubborn GM, it’s a board of old out of date curmudgeons that like their spot on top of the food chain and the more they try to control the game side of things the less we manage to win. With Jim Hopson in any position of power we are less likely to crawl out of our funk and more likely to plunge into a darker place.

Let’s visit the timing of this, after an uplifting and convincing win (46-15) last week, we face the same team this week (which I will be attending (row 15 section E)) with…. You guessed it, off the field controversy. It happens every year and the timing is always brutal. Where does it all stem from? Do you believe the old expression “shit doesn’t flow uphill”? I think the gravity in the prairie province of Saskatchewan allows accountability to be assigned to the top positions, but stops just shy of the puppet masters (the Roughriders Board of Directors).

Danny Barrett is safe for the season; he will likely be cut next year either way. With him gone I doubt we will field a team that consists of some of their talent findings. When contracts come due Calgary is likely to sweep up most of our guys and we will be facing another rebuilding year.

I’m not saying that Roy was the answer, nor is Danny (7 seasons say so) but I can tell you that the way this thing transpired will leave a sour taste in everyone’s mouth, inside and out of the organization.

And with the rumours swirling around the possible hiring of Eric Tillman, I am a saaaaaaaaad Panda.

So look for me this weekend on the television, I will be donning green #33 and waving my Pilsner Roughrider flag atop a tent pole.

That’s hot…

So I don’t turn thirty for a little more than a week, but Saturday all my friends here put together a little get together for me. The mastermind behind it was my dear girlfriend Sue and her sneaky daughter Julie. They managed to pull the proverbial wool over my eyes for weeks as they schemed and planned. The biggest surprise of the night was the arrival of my brother and his wife Kim who made the trip from Montreal to be here.

The next biggest surprise was the Saskatchewan Roughrider theme and the appearance of the finest of the Trailblazers:
I still get flashbacks to the “Simply Irresistible” music video.
Yeah, pretty hot stuff. I was shocked; I hope this doesn’t mean I’ll have to dress up like the cast of Rockstar for my lady! Thanks Stace for the pic.

I got gifts (way too many) that tell a lot about my personality.
A ring /horseshoe style yard game (way too much fun when drinking – which I do occasionally)
A Money clip that can hold a single bill snugly (because I am always broke)
Rob Rainford Cook book and BBQ cook book (what has two thumbs and loves to BBQ? – This guy right here!)
A bottle of liquor (See ring toss game notes)
Tickets to the Roughriders vs. Hamilton at Ivor Wynne stadium (Because I’m wearing the cheerleader outfit next week!)
A pair of tank tops (because I’m huge)
Lotto tickets (because I’m broke and the are the 1 million dollar winners)
A bicycle (because some spineless waste of skin stole mine)
A new shiny Baseball bat (Shut up Trevor)

So it was a long Sunday as you can imagine, the night came complete with a kidnapping and another bout of “In car Wrestling” (I totally won) with Wheels.

So look for me on CBC’s football coverage next week, I’ll be there with a few of my cheerleader friends and maybe I can convince them to garb up for the occasion and get us on TV… Nah, nobody wants to see that twice in a lifetime.

Shits and Giggles

Here's a joke that was forwarded to me via e-mail with a reply with the Happy Gapper spin...


I have a dog & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting "The Purina Diet" again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but That I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two Every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me. I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack as he staggered out the door laughing!!

HG SAYS:

In light of this revelation I must advise you that Purina is generally compiled of sawdust and livestock horns with a saucy blend of Chicken remains (generally the stuff even McDonalds wouldn't try to pass off as food). I must also advise you that the reason you found it necessary to "lick your balls" was to dispel the taste that is left from the pellets which are slightly more offensive than said balls.

Please reconsider your decisions to both consume the pellets for weight control and lick yourself in public.

Cheers

Let's play a game

Okay, at my own peril I have decided to get a game going today. Here is a headline (for all of you CFL or NFL fans), I'll give you a real news headline and you can make whatever comments you like in the comments section below.

We all know Ricky Williams' affinity for the "herbal" smoky oxygen, so... what do you make of this?

WILLIAMS TURNS TO OXYGEN TANK TO HEAL ARM

Now to get you started:

Doctors also believe that by allowing a hash brownie during each session will reduce Ricky's boredom 75% while increasing long lasting paranoia by 80%.

A whale sized pain in the @$$

Call it a summer vacation, call it a temporary lapse in intelligence. I personally would call it the sudden alignment of Family responsibility, extra curricular activities and the simultaneous break down of my dictation plank (keyboard)… I have been neglecting my brainchild, I apologize.

So now I need a new computer, any donations can be forwarded directly to me, otherwise please bare with me while I limp through getting whatever time I can to write a blurb.

So recently I went to Marine Land, it was a good experience… once… prices are ridiculous and there is really only one show worth the time it takes. The rides are for the strong stomached and fearless. Ellie Mae would roll her eyes and laugh at me.

One thing that I noticed was that the population of this park in Niagara Falls was less like a community and more of a crayon box of origins cultures and languages. I was the minority – but so was every one else. It was interesting to watch a pair on Mennonite ladies in full dress ripping along on the “Dragon” roller coaster at top speed. It was even funnier to see (or not see) a 40 pound 4 foot tall child on the same ride. Her head was barely visible.

Of course I have to mention Ontario driving abilities here. Barrelling down the 402, 401 and 403 sandwiched by the masses in anything from a BMW to a 1981 Topaz all going 145 kilometres per… lane changes catch you by surprise like the absence of that last step as you climb a set of stairs in the dark.

As I made my innocuous manoeuvres along the way it became obvious to me that no ride at marine land gets my stress levels and heart-rate up like a romp along the highway side by side with the ignorance that comes with a fast car, or a car that you simply don’t care about, or a car with “Dale Earnhardt Junior” decals all over it. Oddly enough it is the minivan that I fear most, because they have all the characteristics of a race car: The above mentioned decals, a large motor, and manoeuvrability (somewhat anyway). Most importantly the pilot of this road rocket is a middle aged man with children screaming in the back that has lost his will to live, thus the lack of self preservation instinct that most of us still cling to.

I finally arrived home, knuckles white and back aching head drowsy because of a 1 and ¾ hour detour into the worst traffic in the area (my fault… ahem). Man is it nice to be at work today, maybe later I will beat my head against a wall so that I may relive the entire Marine Land experience, and save 250 bucks.