Tow No More - Jim's last day on the tow truck

Fine, but I'm going to set the tow truck on fire.

My last day on the tow-truck

I arrived at the yard just before 5 pm as usual. I had just finished a day at my regular job, and I was on call for the night. I step out of my car and one of the drivers remarked: “You’re goin long haulin!” I knew my last shift was no going to be an easy one.

Inside the office my package was ready, I was to pick up a broken down Cargo truck (a 1 ton with a box), located somewhere along the westbound highway in Michigan, and continue West to Muskegon (some 230 kilometers west of the truck’s breakdown spot), make the delivery of their cargo, take on some new cargo (for U.B.E. by the way) and return to Ontario and deliver the truck to a garage. I was not eager to leave.

I fueled up and headed for the U.S. and there near Flint Michigan was the broken down truck. I loaded and headed down the highway. My passenger; a woman who had never made this trip before, had been sitting for 4 hours before I showed up, and if you know women the same way I do, we were in need of a “pit-stop”. We drove about 60 kilometers searching for a rest area, but decided on a gas station. We pulled in and she found relief.

I started to roll out of the gas station when I hit a pothole and the truck I was towing slid out of my grasp, It was no big deal, I would need to re-adjust. Once I was pulled off to the side I evaluated the situation and started to re-load. I couldn’t help notice that I had an unwelcome spectator. The Michigan state Department of Transportation. And if you know yankee cops, they always get their man. He pulled up behind me and the lights were going. He asked why I didn’t have road flares put out to which I replied: “because I have my 4-ways on”,
“no you don’t”
“shit”

I looked at my light cord to realize there was a slight tear in my light cord. And by tear I mean the cord was severed. I turned the lights for the truck I was towing, on, and figured, that was that. Not quite.

“Sir can I have your Liscence, Registration, D.O.T. number and medical certificate?”
“Umm, medical certificate?”
“Yes sir you are driving a Commercial Motor Vehicle (CMV), and you require a Medical.”
“Umm, this is just a tow truck.”
“No sir it is a CMV.”

So I call the boss and he gives the Officer (though I had a few other names for him at this point) the necessary information.

He says:
“Ok, I’m going to turn you loose, here are some papers for your boss”
“Whew (AssHole)”
“Here is your license…. Sir you have a class “G” license, correct?”
“Yes (DickHead)”
“Sir you are not licensed to operate this vehicle”
“What (You Mother F@#$%R)”
“Sir, I am pulling you out of service, you can not operate this vehicle”
“F!@#$K”
So I call the boss and he simply says “I strongly disagree”. Wow, I feel better, so what now? He gets in his car and heads in my direction. The Colossal Prick plants his lard ass in his vehicle and starts scribbling. I decide to fix the wire and re-load for the boss who will be taking my tow for me. So I get the wire fixed and as I re-adjust my load, the Hydraulic lever goes limp. I can’t move my winch cable. Jim’s getting upset.

I am under the truck, covered in hydraulic oil (which was dripping from the manifold (warm to!)) when deputy DipShit comes over.

“Here is some info for the boss, And a fine for you. I need 100.00 US cash or I’ll take your license until you pay the fine.”
“How much?”
“Not sure sir, you’ll need to contact this number and pay the fine and we’ll send your license to you.”

Jim is not a HappyGapper, he is an AngryOntarian. I start into a list of expletives that would have made Ricky from the Trailer Park Boys blush. He says: “Have a nice day sir.” And he leaves me there covered in hydraulic oil half frozen from the 25 degree drop in temperature from 29 degrees we had the day before. I am a dirty cursing oily angry man.

So I waited for the boss to arrive and tried to clean off some of my sludge at the gas station bathroom. At about 11:30 PM Boss shows up and I inform him of the fine. Boss was not impressed. We checked the load again and he was on his way. I turned back to home.

I got home at 2:30, very tired and very grumpy. Not only did I get a fine, but, I likely won’t get paid for the tow I never did. Which is fine because as Milton said on the movie "Office Space": I'll set the building on fire". I am done driving tow truck today, and I could care less.

Luckily I had Eeyore calling me to let me know that he was home curled up on the couch with a cold beer and a loving family surrounding him. He also encouraged me to write my blog today and let the white smoke rise from the chimney of chez Jim to symbolize that a new Hapless Donkey had been elected, and truly, I was the only reasonable choice. Move over Eeyore, there’s a new Jackass in town.