He ain't heavy...

Ok kids, here's a gem that my boss came across while in a waiting room in London, ON. A full page Q+A with Pokey. I have the actual paper, but found this on the web and pasted it here. I'll be sure to share it as much as I can. Even he was surprised by this one. By the way that Pic was by the Pokey-man aswell.

Assignment: Kandahar
Canadian troops assume a dangerous combat role in Afghanistan

"Pokey" of The Canadian Press is reporting on the activities of the Canadian forces as they assume a leading role in the security campaign in Afghanistan. What's Up? asked him for a rundown on what life is like for the soldiers serving there.

Question: What are the living quarters of the Canadian troops like?

Answer: Right now they have all sorts of living quarters. Some are living in eight-person tents that are spacious enough that everybody has a private two-metre-by-two-metre space. Others are crammed into BATs (the soldiers' acronym for Big-Assed Tents) where a couple hundred of them sleep in bunk beds and have no space at all. They all have access to hot showers and flush toilets.

Q: What's the weather like?

A: The weather is very pleasant right now, reaching into the 20s during the day and just below 10 at night. It rains occasionally, creating a lot of mud on the base. In a month or two, the temperature will reach above 40 during the day.

Q: What does a soldier do in an average shift?

A: There is no average shift. There are more than 2,000 soldiers on the base and almost as many jobs. About half of them are considered front-line soldiers. Some drive armoured vehicles, others patrol the countryside on foot and many are trying to chase down insurgents. The army has many trades, including cooks, drivers, mechanics, medics, administrators, planners, engineers, doctors, nurses, lawyers, police officers and many more.

Q: Do they get time off?

A: The soldiers have a little bit of time off during your average week. They have "Sunday routine," which isn't usually an entire day off but maybe half a day off, or just a lighter workload. It's the day many soldiers use to wash clothes, go to the gym or get extra sleep. Halfway through their tour of duty the soldiers get about two weeks off. Most go home for a quick visit, while others will go on vacation in places in Asia or Europe.

Q: What's the food like?

A: The food is good and bad. At the main base at Kandahar airfield, the food is supplied by a giant American company that serves many deep-fried foods and vegetables that aren't very good. At Camp Nathan Smith where a smaller group of Canadian soldiers are living, the food is cooked by Canadian soldiers. It's much better. The soldiers had poutine the other day, but they always have many healthy choices too. But at least the soldiers on the base have hot fresh food. The soldiers who are out in the hills eat meals like macaroni and cheese and stew right out of tin foil packets.

Q. How do you think most soldiers would describe the assignment? Boring? Scary? Challenging?

A: It depends. It's challenging for most of them. It's probably most scary for the soldiers who spend most of the time off base, such as the infantry troops. However most of those soldiers say they are happy to use their training. More than half of the soldiers never leave the base during their tour. Some of them do get pretty bored after a while.

Q: What are some of the biggest challenges they face?

A: For the soldiers who go on patrols the challenge is pretty obvious: to stay safe from attackers while doing their jobs. It's not easy. Many other soldiers have major projects, like building places for the soldiers to stay, that must be completed very rapidly. Almost all of the soldiers work very long hours, so staying healthy and well-rested is difficult for them.

Q. Do the troops mix much with local residents?

A: Because of the danger in southern Afghanistan, only a small number of the troops mix with local residents. The army's provincial reconstruction team in Kandahar probably mixes the most, working on projects to help rebuild the city.

Q: How do Afghans treat the Canadians?

A: The reception is very mixed. A small number of Afghans are trying to kill Canadians. Among the average people on the streets, some people smile and are friendly. Others throw rocks.

Q: Can soldiers keep in contact with families and friends in Canada?

A: The soldiers can send mail home. They can also get on the Internet to send e-mails or chat online and they can also use the telephone to speak with their family members.

Q: Are most of them looking forward to going home?

A: Yes. Even though they've barely started their mission, most soldiers miss home and their families.

Q: Do the Canadian soldiers do anything to make the base seem more like home?

A: They have a big tent they call "Canada House" where they can drink coffee, play foosball, borrow videos and watch TV. They also have a big cement pad where they play ball hockey. There is another big tent run by the American army where soldiers can play Xbox and eat free snacks 24 hours a day. They can also go shopping at an American store called a PX that has almost everything, including footballs, DVD players, Game Boys and CDs.

Q: For a journalist, what is the most challenging part of this assignment?

A: The most challenging part is figuring out the safest way to get stories. It's also a challenge to work with the military. The army is a big machine with many parts and finding out what is going on is not always easy.

Bull's Eye

Amsterdam, Netherlands. A wave of international victories for Dutch darts players has prompted an increase in the number of injuries as people take up the game at home, according to the Dutch consumer safety association.

Over-eagerness caused most of the injuries, said a spokeswoman for the group, with players hurling their darts before opponents had finished retrieving their own. Poorly hung dartboards also posed problems.

"Often the board falls down on someone's foot or worse on someone's head," she added.

About 120 people are admitted to hospitals each year with injuries sustained during darts, with pierced fingers and wrists most common. Eye injuries were rare, the association said.

"Maybe it is national pride that when one of us is good at a sport, we all want a go," the spokeswoman said.

Last month, 21-year-old Dutchman Jelle Klaasen wowed audiences at the World Darts championship, with a victory over fellow Dutchman Raymond van Barneveld, to become the youngest ever world champion and a national hero.

I would like to know the extent of an "accidental" dart injury, that would prompt a visit to the doctor. Somehow I doubt the "accidental" qualifier they put on these wounds.... not with all the beer and drugs in Amsterdam.... I know I've never been injured on a dare fueled by testosterone and malt liquor... not that I remember anyway.

Is this about me?

Junior: Hi, I'm Junior and I live here in Cowtown, with my wife Maria Sharapova. [Maria slides behind Junior, as though on a conveyer belt, holding a laundry basket while on the phone.] She’s great with the kids, the house, everything. Oh, I don’t know how she does it. We’ve got a daughter Ally… [Ally slides behind Junior, holding a doll.] and twin two year old boys. [The twins slide behind him, facing the other way.] It’s not really about the kids. My parents live across the street. [Mommy and Daddy slide behind Junior – Mommy is stirring a bowl, and Daddy is shaving.] That’s right, and my brother lives with them. Now not every family would go by on a conveyer belt for you, but mine would because… [Jim slides by.]

Jim: Everybody Loves Junior.

Junior: Yea, yea, yea.

[Jim is sat at the kitchen table at Mommy’s house. There are cartons and cartons of Chinese food on the table. He is miserable. Junior enters.]

Junior: Hey.

Jim: Hey.

Junior: Is mom here?

Jim: She’s upstairs hitting my speed bag. How’s the team?

Junior: Oh, well, we really missed you out there, Jim…

Jim: Oh?

Junior: Yea. Yea, you wanna come back.

Jim: You guys want me back?

Junior: Yea, sure, come on, you’re the best player out there. We need you.

Jim: So, you’re asking me to be captain?

Junior: [sits down] No, no. I’m still gonna be captain.

Jim: You are a piece of work.

Junior: Look, come on, don’t you see? It’s still in the family. It’s just like you’re captain, only I’m captain.

Jim: Won’t that be cosy.

Junior: Look, just think about it. You come back and you help us win the championship. The whole team will be happy. And you won’t be mad anymore, so ma’ll be happy. And you can help me. You can help me with some of the lesser captaining responsibilities, and I can spend more time with my family. Then they’ll be happy.

Jim: So, once again, you get everything.

Junior: No, no, it’s not everything. That’s like.... four things.

Jim: Well, thanks for thinking of me Junior, but I’m just gonna have to pass.

Junior: What, pass? You can’t pass Jim. We can’t do it without you. Come on. You’re the missing link.

Jim: I’ve heard that before.

Junior: I’ll tell you what. Just come back. Come back for the playoffs and next year I’ll make sure you’re captain. I promise.

Jim: Well, I appreciate it, but I’m just gonna have to pursue another option.

Junior: Another option? With who?

Jim: Wo Hop’s Chinese takeout. [indicates the Chinese food] They put a very lovely offer on the table. Kung pao.

Jim is happy with a moral victory over Junior, who seems to get everything while Jim is left with the spoils.

The characters and incidents portrayed and the names used herein are fictitious and any resemblance to the names, character, or history of any person is coincidental and unintentional.

Rest assured, I was a very happy and loved child. Junior's just a freak.

I agree

This movie was actually playing on my satelite dish the day of the Academy awards.

What a movie. This is by far the best movie I have seen this year, maybe ever. Absolutely rivetting (to use a critics riff). I would recomend this movie.

Now I can't say Brokeback Mountain wasn't good, but I can tell you that I am far less likely to watch a movie about cowboys that fall in love. This in my eyes ranks below a chick flick, mostly because my hopes of seeing a little t&a in a chick flick are dashed by the fact that two dudes fall in love. Just not my bag I guess.... did I really just say that?

How to reply to jokes

I would like to point out that sending this to someone, who may be seen as somewhat of a serial bush pisser, was in poor taste. My sphincter will be a month returning to form.

Jim


Original message:

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand.
There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."

"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?"

Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium.

Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!" "So, I go
and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through
the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "O.K., good luck!

By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up"....

Poppycock, thy name is Marty

I read this guys articles regularly as he is monikered as some sort of sports clairvoyant. A week ago, the crystal ball told us Cujo would be moving in 48 hours to either the Oilers or Canucks.... Guess what...

He also prophesized the coming of Tracy Ham to the Roughriders
:I hear the Saskatchewan Roughriders are set to hire former CFL quarterback Tracy Ham as offensive co-ordinator and maybe even sign Jeff Garcia as QB ...

Ummm, no.

One thing he does do however is illustrate my point about our Olympic hockey team to a T.

"You can’t win with Gretzky’s Rolodex
Players likely to be traded by the NHL’s March 9 deadline:
Forwards Keith Tkachuk, Ollie Jokinen and Mark Recchi of St. Louis, Florida and Pittsburgh, respectively, goaltenders Curtis Joseph and Dwayne Roloson of Phoenix and Minnesota, respectively, and defenceman Sergei Gonchar of Pittsburgh.

• Allow me one more rant about the Canadian men’s hockey team. During our national navel gaze over its failure to bring home an Olympic medal, did anyone ask this question: why did it take eight people to select Team Canada?

Wayne Gretzky, Kevin Lowe, Steve Tambellini, Bob Nicholson, Pat Quinn, Wayne Fleming, Jacques Martin and Ken Hitchcock — all recognized as good hockey minds — banded together to select a team that a couple of hockey fans could have selected over beers at their local Hooters.
There were 18 players back from Salt Lake City in 2002, and even though it was four years later, most of them had missed a complete season and few were among the leaders in NHL scoring.

Meanwhile, more than a dozen players, who had performed splendidly during the first 21/2 months of this NHL season were left off the team because, well, because why?

Eric Staal, Marc Savard, Patrick Marleau, Alex Tanguay, Sidney Crosby, Jason Spezza, Jonathan Cheechoo, Shawn Horcoff, Paul Kariya, Jason Arnott, Cory Stillman, Jarret Stoll, Brendan Shanahan and Dion Phaneuf have all had better seasons than Todd Bertuzzi, Vinny Lecavalier, Ryan Smyth, Jarome Iginla, Marty St. Louis, Shane Doan and Kris Draper.

Granted, every team needs checkers, but the Canadian team had four lines of checkers. This team was shut out three times and scored in only one of its final 12 periods.

Don’t blame the players. They played exactly the way they played all season. Not one player — with the possible exception of Joe Thornton who, of course, didn’t play on his regular line with Marleau and Cheechoo in Turin — did anything that we really didn’t expect."

Well, he got that one right... weeks after the fact.

The bravest Gapper (ex-pat) I know

This is my brother Pokey. This is my brother Pokey in his attire in Afghanistan.

My brother is a news reporter, and a very good one. His current assignment finds him in the thick of things where he is actually close enough to hear explosions and the like. This past week, if you read the headlines, makes for a tired group of reporters all bunkered down in a camp where wedding gunfire (as is their custom) is sprayed into the air in celebration. I would guess that's like painting a series of rings on your chest and yelling I'm right here!

The sound of gunfire alone would keep me in a corner grabbing my heels crying, but hearing a suicide bomb go off resulting in injury to a Canadian soldier and having to cover the story in a cool proffesional manner, would be beyond my realm of comfort.

This is my brother Pokey. This is my brother pokey as I look forward to seeing him very soon. Safe in the company of loved ones, far from the people who would do him and his peers harm.

I know this is usually a comedic blog, but I am proud of this SOB (which makes me a SOB), and I look forward to pubbing in downtown Montreal soon listening as he recounts yet another formidable tale of adventure abroad. Good on ya man!

No slaughter is a good slaughter

Pwease suh, put dat cwub down.

The rich and famous are protesting the seal hunt. Who will defend the fish from the seals though? Who will defend the hunters against restrictions on their livelyhoods (fishing), because of depleted fish stocks (due in part to the shear numbers of hungry lil fellas like fluffy up there).

Now, I don't agree with skinning live seals, dragging them on a hook across the ice while they struggle for their lives. Clubbing is likely a bad idea, but at the time it was likely the most advanced technology available to some people, and some purists likely would argue that it's the principal of the conservation of their heritage (see Simpsosns episode 79 Prod. code 9F18 "whacking day"). The poeple of Canada are 60% in favor of this hunt. I'll bet that further East the number is well above 80.

Honestly I'm on the fence on this one, but I know when deer and moose season starts, that Mr. McCartney and spouse won't be flying over the prairie land trying to save these creatures.

Maybe I'm wrong though, maybe somewhere Angelina Jolie is devising a plot to eliminate the wildlife hunt in Texas... Yeah, good luck with that.

***Update***

It seems that by landing them 5 whirly birds on the ice near the pups may endanger them AND the seals.

"I'd be a bit leery about landing a heavy machine like that loaded with people on ice that should be a bit thicker in terms of safety," Frank Ring, spokesman for the federal Fisheries Department told The Canadian Press Wednesday.
McCartney will also have to avoid getting too close to the animals because federal regulations prohibit people from disturbing marine mammals "unless authorized to do so under a valid licence."

Regulations prohibit people from disturbing marine mammals.... Barbarians! Somehow I am convinced that Paul may look the tool on this venture. Given his opposition, I'd say it's a big deal... b'y.

YOU can bring a knife to school

As far as I can tell, a weapon under a shirt is still a weapon. I believe in tolerance for a religion, but what of the snake handlers?

I love the part where they say:
"There are many objects in schools that could be used to commit violent acts and that are much more easily obtained by students, such as scissors, pencils and baseball bats."

The same could be said of box cutters, no? And toenail clippers, not on an airplane my friends. Symbolic or not a knife is a little more scary when brandished than a HB 0.7 clicky pencil.

Kudos

So the Swedes won our medals. I say our medals because in 4 years, the Swedish team will be wearing something less prestigeous. I mean good for Mats Sundin and Daniel Alfredson, but that's it for you guys. We just had a lot going on this year, that's why we lost.